Merry Christmas.

  It 3 days away.  I've yet to feel any realistic Christmas spirit.  It's hard to do this year.  Maybe harder than last year, which was more of a surprise finding out that I wouldn't be spending it with my kids.  You went back on your promise, like all the ones you made.

  I don't want to, but I still think about you.  I still dream about you...  I want it to stop.  I want to forget you.  I want to stop crying and feeling, the emotions I've had for so long.  I want to stop loving you. 

  It's unbelievable how my heart went through hell...  and it still harbors an ounce of care for you.  It's remarkable, that you meant that much to me.  Since January 9th, 2011...  you've done absolutely everything you can to hurt me.  You have taken my life and destroyed my soul.  I have little motivation and very little faith in even myself.  I have cried more than every moment in my life, combined.  I really just wish it'd go away.  I really just wish it would stop.  Last week would have been our 6 year anniversary.  A day that I could never forget.  Asking you to marry me.  This whole week, I have been completely out of it. 

  I'm so lost.  I'm so broken.  I lost my bestfriend and I'm not over it.  I miss my children.  I love them.  I'm afraid of what other ways you plan on keeping them from me.  I still don't understand why you did it before.

  I miss Lori.  I miss Kylie.  I miss my son.  I miss holding them, smelling them, watching them grow up.  Why did you take them from me?  Why did you lie to me, deceive me and give my family away?  You must not have really loved me, if it was so easy to simply take everything and give it to someone else.  And in the manner that you did it...  wow.  How could you ever believe you're a good person?

  I hate saying it, but you've become a lot more like your father.  I don't need to know him or your mom.  A grandfather who never gave a shit about his grandchildren.  A father who never gave a shit about you.  A sister who never gave a shit about you.  A grandmother and aunt who never gave a shit about you.  You hurt the one guy, who gave every bit of a shit about you.

  I wish you'd just go.  Go away and never enter my life again.  Don't ever come back.  Don't ever say you're sorry.  Don't ever try to fix the mess you've made.  Just keep going.  I want absolutely every reason to think you never loved me.  It's the only excuse for all that you've done.

  *sigh*

  It's only because I feel miserable...  that I know you meant something to me.  If I just walked it off...  I really didn't care.  Just like you.  And despite all the similarities that both of us share... this will never be one of them.  You were my family.  I was disposable.  My life was yours for the taking.  Fairness and consideration are not in your creed.  And damnit, do I hate it.

~John

Lost? Yeah...

  I've only realized recently how lost I am.  How so far disconnected, I feel from my life.  I pass the days, without a care... when I'm in trouble in many ways.  I've lost touch of what I really want and need in my life and grown accustomed to feeling the way I do.  Lifeless.

  This is for a lot of reasons.  Of course, because of you.  But, I don't even feel like much of a father anymore.  I miss being a dad.  I miss them waking me up in the morning, with tickles on my feet.  I just miss them, so incredibly much.  I haven't been able to cry.  It would feel good to do so, but I just haven't been able to.  I've distanced myself far from the things that remind me of you.  I have to...  you're gone.  I've distanced myself from them...  just so I don't think about you.  How could I not?  They have just as many of your beautiful features as they do of me.

  Will we ever happen again?  Is there a way I could go back in time and change things?

  I think about you when I don't want to.  Even when I am trying to hide you, from my thoughts.  I could go on, in a million areas of how I miss you.  How I remember everything as frozen as the day it was over.  I'm mad at myself...  that I believed and trusted you as much as I did.  That I even tried to be with you, when it's obvious that you weren't as great as I thought.  You betrayed me so horribly...  you broke my heart and ripped out my soul.  You took what was most important to me.  And you have no regrets about it at all.  You would do it over again...  regardless if you knew how badly this has affected me.  How close I've come to just giving up on myself.   You manage to hurt the person who loved you the most.  Who went through hell with you and still walked out holding your hand.  The times you yelled at me, abused me, treated me horribly and never seemed to listen to anything I said.  You were my world...  and that didn't matter to you.

  Now, I'm lost.  I'm scared to even try with another person again.  Getting emotional and trusting them is the most difficult thing I can do.  I haven't gotten past the dating stage in 2 years.  Maybe it's why the women I am dating, give up and move on.  I understand...  I'm just not ready.  You were supposed to be it.  Supposed to be the fate, that you and I both felt.  You were my soulmate.  And I hate telling myself that there is possibly another.  I felt you were it.  I knew it.  I still do.

  But go.  Doesn't matter what memories I have... or the things I wish, believe or care about.  I don't want you back.  I don't want to see your face.  I'd sooner prefer to just say, you don't exists to me anymore.  You've destroyed my life and our childrens, just so you could have yours.  So you can justify the deceiving and lying you did to me.  But, hey... I'm sure your family is happy about the outcome as they helped you with your decision.  My love wasn't enough.  But it doesn't matter.  I'll never forgive you.  I'll just go on pretending, you mean absolutely nothing to me and see where it gets me.  It's all I got left.

~John

Always comes back around...

  I'm sitting in a basement with Mike.  He's mixing this amazing music, that I can feel just coursing through me.  My body moves as it always has, to the music.  Flowing.  And a memory hits me.  It has you of course... and I couldn't help it anymore than I could help the weather today.  We went to the Lagoon.  Stevie B. was there.  We had some drinks, danced the night away and then ended up at Melissa's Bosses house.  You and I were so adventurous back then.  We swam in the pool... and soon we were naked and couldn't get off one another.  So much passion.  So much love.

  It feels forever ago...  but only because of how far you've gone.  I remember the nights I was away from you in the Army.  It was the most time I would ever spend away from you.  And still, I needed to see you.

  Now, I can't.  I want to, but I can't.  I can't do anything that remotely comes close to the thought of what we had, what our life was and where it's all gone since then.  I'll cry and it won't stop.  So, I hope to forget.  A million memories, I slowly am erasing.  It's impossible.  It's so hard.  So fucking hard.

  I saw a glimpse of you, though I wish I didn't.  I would have been much better if your beautiful decieving face, didn't bare itself to me.  Nevertheless, I endured.  I waited.  I love talking to Kylie and Johnathan...  but truly missed talking to Alora.  Being able to for the last few months has unfortunately made this move, worth it.  And now, we're back to not talking.  I don't know why...  I don't know how...  I just hope this is temporary.

  I don't want to say it, but I'll admit that I miss you.  I find myself still talking about you from time to time.  Or, us.  I know it's gone.  It kills me to admit that.  I know...  but, still.  Despite everything, you were the most amazing person in my life.  And I miss you.

  I know you're not the old you.  Maybe that's what I miss.  This person I see now, looks miserable.  Shackled and chained down.  I don't see you believe your beliefs.  I don't see you, be you.  That amazing woman I knew.  You seem so exhausted.  I know, I wasn't worth a cent of a dime...  but was it worth it?  Do you ever miss me, like I miss you?  Probably not.

  It was worth a shot.

~John

I realized...

...  that I don't look at many pictures or videos of the kids.  Besides talking to them on the Skype...  I can't.  Whenever I do, I only end up crying.  My thoughts never leave them, as I've never forgotten that I'm a father.  And regardless of how far away they are...  they know, I will wish they were by my side.

  I've questioned a lot lately.  A lot about you.  Sure... the why's don't stop...  but moreso, who you are and who you used to be.  I've noticed a few things that have made me feel completely uncomfortable.  As if, my wishes with the kids are completely disregarded.

  When we got together...  the choices that we made to raise our children were set in stone.  Their religious beliefs were to be as open, as you and I.  You believed in your Cards, Natural Magic and some Pagen beliefs.  I was raised basically agnostic, though I have been told otherwise.  Little to no church in my life...  even still, I remain moral in many senses, without the need to involve a church or bullshit idea onto myself or those I care about.  I consider myself to be nothing less than an upstanding person.  Trustworthy, kind, generous, caring and only ask the same in return.

  It didn't dawn on me, that Johnathan recently was holding a bracelet... with crosses all on it.  More than likely given to him by his Step-Grand Parents.  And then it stuck with me more... that Kendall had talked to me before about religion on the kids.  Even telling me to take them to church.  Which just baffled me.  It went against everything we've come to know for the last 6 years... and just that quickly, you've changed. 

  Will's parents didn't like you.  Look at the mess you left behind.  Look at how you cut out our childrens father.  You weren't thinking of the children... you weren't thinking about their father.  You were thinking about yourself and that asshole you married.  I call him an asshole, because any man chasing after a woman who has a family and life...  accepting videos and "I love yous" over the internet, while you were already grounded... is something an asshole would do.  He's been aware of how the children have been taken out of my life.  Which I am sure is just as much his idea, as it is yours.  It went against every promise you ever made me.  It has made you a person, I don't know anymore.

  Whenever I get that urge to think about you...  miss you...  or try to shake the love I've held in my heart...  I think about how you've changed.  That you're not the woman I went to New York with.  You're not the woman who was open sexually.  You're not the woman who had the courage to tell the truth... but hid it, knowing how fucked up it really was.  You're not the Kendall I know.  Just some bitch, who unfortunately is in control of our childrens upbringing.  Worrying me daily.

  You and I both know, you were never much of a mother.  Passing along duties of taking care of the kids, with anyone willing to accept it for a time.  Not to mention, that I'd really prefer if my daughter wasn't raised by a whore.  No offense... but with you at the wheel... I'm afraid, she'll turn into her mother... and by 18 or 19, she'll get pregnant.  I read you're journal.  I "knew" you inside and out.  You're past, which isn't much different than mine.  But still...  I never...  never... would have done to you, what you've done to me.  And I'm positive, that karma will come back and bite you in the ass one day.

  I realize, that you're just not worth it anymore.  The person I loved, was amazing.  She was the most amazing person I've ever known, as my journal has dictated.  But you're not her anymore.  Just a shell.  Just a shell.

The truth.

  My mind has been filled with a lot of social crap lately.  An election is right around the corner...  And while, I know I should... I won't vote.  But, that doesn't matter now.

  I miss the kids.  And dealing with presidential elections, everyday life and even having to hear Kendall's voice, is all motivated for that one reason.  If it wasn't because of them, I wouldn't be here.  I've come close to losing my mind, after losing my life.  I haven't had a stable ground, though I've tried...  but I fall off.  I cry for days and what feels like, I have to start over... by telling myself, it's all true.  I have to come to terms daily, where they are... and why they're not with me.  I don't particularly blame anyone.  While there are plenty of things, I can blame before... it's pointless.  It's the things after it was over, that have blown me away.  That made me believe the very thing I've asked her...  "Why do you hate me?"  When it ended, I asked this to her, over and over... in hopes of some realistic answer as to why my family was being torn.  Let-a-lone through some online affair.  But seeing the reactions of her...  her disconnection to me, taking my time from the kids and eventually my involvement altogether.  I shouldn't be here.  I shouldn't even be breathing.  I've drowned in the misery... and I simply, just shouldn't be here.

I've thought about it every morning when I woke up...  everytime I've eaten dinner...  every night before bed.  The things I would do with my kids on a typical basis... gone.  No more bedtime stories or tucking a child into bed.  No more, goodnight daddy.

You can literally cry your soul out.

A question that will never leave my mind.  Why did I think you loved me, as much as I did to you?

I miss the kids.  Just, so much waiting I have to do.  So much, trying to do the right thing.  Except pot... you got me there...  that thing, you've supported since you met me.  That conversation you never brought up, about wanting me to quit.  Yeah...  I was such a horrible man.  Completely involved in your family, as my family.  Your brothers, as mine.  My life...  the people I loved, taken from me.  All because of Will... and New Years, the videos, didn't want a 3some, I don't love you... I love Will.

  I used to pray...  I used to wish...  I used to believe, that if I wanted something bad enough, I would get it.  I believed there was a woman out there, that would make my life so fantastic.  And then I met you.  Life grew so complicated.  So troublesome... and you were always there beside me.  You loved me.  And I felt so comfortable...  I found you.  I thought you were fate...  that through my series of events in my life, I was supposed to meet you on purpose.

  I just never imagined, that I'd have to let go.  To feel these feelings, that are so hard to describe...  it's still so unbearable.  I honestly, wish I had a scream room like I thought about years ago.  A room where you can go and scream and feel better.  I would definitely cry, scream and then take a nap.  I've got to get through this.

  I've been making big strides.  I submitted my application to school and start in the Spring.  I've been working a little part-time thing.  It's tough work and not for much, but finding another job has been damn near impossible.  I've been saving for a plane ride.  So far, I'm at 46.98 and that's only after a few weeks.  I might have the money to fly out to the kids, though I have also been considering a Christmas in July.  I don't really know...  just trying to prepare myself a little.

  I asked a woman out on a date.  It's been almost 11 months since I have been with any woman.  Beth was the last and only 2, since Kendall.  I would count Trish, but honestly, I don't remember much from that night.  I'm afraid to even consider another relationship.  I honestly don't really feel, I need another woman, after investing everything into Kendall.  And now, I'm just a man with baggage.

  Her name is Jess.  I've known her for a long long time.  She's got a great, open and exciting personality and she's sorta dealing with the same situation from her ex.  He got another woman pregnant and doesn't really want anything to do with his son.  Which, personally... I just can't understand.  Literally, if Kendall called me right now and said "Cut off your leg and you can have the kids... "  They would be in the mail the next day.  I'd probably send both... just in case one gets lost in the process.

The truth is.  I'm trying to make so many changes in my life.  Motivation is tough, when you don't feel like there's much to shoot for.  I still think about you.  I still think about the 1000 things that would amaze me.  The 1000 memories I was lucky enough to have with you.  I think about everything I've gained in my life, because of you.  I truly believed myself to be extraordinarily lucky and special to have had you... but, I can never go back.  I've cried more than I could imagine someone crying.  I begged you.  I've dealt with all the blows you've given me and still strive for the same thing.  To be a father...  maybe not the best, but better than most.  I didn't and don't deserve all that is the way it is.  I got fucked over, by the one person who shouldn't have.  And there's nothing I am going to do about it, than to love my kids and to do the best I can to be me.

Want to be done.

  Nothing hurts, like watching the one you love... love another.  Throughout this year, I've seen my fair share of it.  It can be a torture... if you can't change your way of thinking.  If you can't put to the side, forget all the memories, forget the lives, forget the steps through life... it can eat away at your soul.  It can eat you from the inside out.  And depending on when it consumes you, depends on your inner strength.

  I've done okay.  Sometimes, I worry if I am able to make it through.  And then I remember, that I made it this far.  That there have been other women, who've done something similar in my life.  Those that have lied and eventually put me into the positions I was once in.

  Does Katrina know how tough it was for me to let go of her?  Does she know that I still harbor small feelings of remembrance?  And then I remember, how things were so very different with Kendall.  That for a long time, despite all that we had gone through... I still didn't think, the end was near.  I had honestly believed that the situation we were in, would only make us stronger together.  That we'd stick together and fight.  It was a shock to me... as most of the bullshit is that happens in my life.

  I still miss Kendall.  So many years together can make it difficult to forget.  It could have been more...  it should have, if I had done a part better.  If I had more communication and guidance as to what it was that she expected.  I still miss little things... and things everywhere remind me of her.  Walt has a bottle of her shampoo in the bathroom.  Sometimes, when I am feeling down and confused... I open it, take a breathe of it.  It reminds me of her so much, that sometimes I cry afterwards.

  But... in the end.  I am doing what I can to forget.  She's doing the same, right?  Packing away my pictures, momentos and forgetting that at one point, she loved me more than I could comprehend.

  I wish it were different.  I wish I didn't have to see her in my children.  I wish I didn't have to see her, or hear her, or even relate in any form or fashion with her.  I want to be done with the love.  I want to forget it and focus.  Get my mind set back on the proper path, whatever that is.

No Title

Normally, I know the title of what I want to talk about, before I talk about it.  I put it up first, almost always...  but tonight, I am stumped on a title.

I didn't really think I would be typing at this time in the morning.  I should be in bed.  I'm tired enough to be in bed, so why can't I sleep...  Well... the answer is why I am writing in my journal at 4 something in the morning.

You.

After a year and half of a living hell...  I still playback everything you've said.  Before... and after all of this.  I think about everything before it was over.  When you were all I knew in my world.  Our family.  I think about all the things you ever told me.  Soulmates.  Getting old together.  I can honestly say, that there was never a second or time... when I questioned, if I wanted to be with you.  I knew it from the moment I met you, that you were something special.  Something I needed in my life.  I play back the births of our children, when I held your hand as your brought them into my world.  I cry, when I think about it... because with those moments in my life, I never imagined that you'd be gone today.

I must have been horrible.  I must have made you disappointed in me.  I must have been the scum of the earth, for you to fall out of love with me.  For you to hold that knowledge from me, until you filled your heart with someone elses love.  I must have been a disgusting human being, for you to deny me, time with our children.  To keep Alora from me, any means necessary.  You must have hated me, wanting to cut me out of my own life.  Wanting to change their birth certificates, so Will was their father.  Encouraging them to call him "daddy".  You must have dispised me, flaunting Will in my face while I brokedown.  "He knows Russian"  "I gave him anal."  You must have wanted to hurt me, if you broke every promise you ever made to me.  If you took me, out of our family.  Cast me away and claim, I'm unfit as a father.

When did you love me?  When was the last time you needed me to tell you, I love you... or can you remember?  Do you sleep sound at night, knowing?  Do you think of me at all... or am I Mike?

God Kendall...  I never saw it coming.  I knew it was hard on us.  I knew life, had this way of constantly kicking us in the teeth.  But never, did I equate that it would be connected to how you felt about me.  I stuck through it with you, dealing with the hard too and I never felt any different.  I never needed someone else.  I needed you.  It's the only thing I thought I would ever need... and sometimes, despite everything to this point...  I still feel that way.  How am I going to make it the rest of my life, without the person I love with all my heart.  The only person I've ever asked to marry me, had children with and considered closer family than a single family member of my own.  I still know you, better than you know yourself.  Sometimes, I wish I didn't... and other times, I'm glad I do.  It reminds me, how much I loved you... to want to know every little thing about you.  To know how intelligent and persistent you are.

I never knew, you weren't in love with me.  I didn't know, until you told me in the bathroom...  3 days before you left me.  3 days, before I woke up at 2 in the morning with you no longer in bed and a message on your phone to a guy, you'd never met... 9 days after you sent him videos of yourself, that you sent to him from my parents house... while I slept in bed with our children.  You hid it from me, knowing what laid in store.  A letter, where he would secretly come and meet you, by plane.  He loved you... and you loved him.  And I was just there, to watch it all fall apart.

Every moment I ever spent with you.  Every thought and memory.  Every word you've said, throughout all the years... feels like it was for nothing.  I said it before...  It's felt like you died, when you left me.  But you're not dead.  Making it so much harder than grieving over a loved one would provide.  You've removed yourself from every aspect of my life.  And I've been forced to watch you move on, instantly... with someone new.  Replacing me.  Getting pregnant.  Get married.  Take the kids slowly from me.  Have your new baby.  To talk to me through a lawyer.  It has been... the most impossible thing in my life to deal with.  Something, not even others have gone through before...  so I have no one to talk to or relate.  Most people can't even believe it.  I can't.

I knew you better than anyone... and even while I know the bad...  I never considered it that.  I loved you.  I took the bad.  I accepted it, just as I did the day I met you.  That's what you do, when you love someone.  You accept it.  I saw all the great in you, as I wish you had done for me.  I saw your intelligence.  I adored you because of it.  I saw your love for me, which didn't really seem to go away like you said.  Christmas as Nana's was the first time you pushed me away, ever... and even then... there was still a night when all of us, sat in the living room and I held you for a while.  I never stopped loving you.  I don't know if I ever will... and I don't think that replacing it with hate, would change it.

I don't know if I ever want anyone else again.  I gave you all I had.  Every ounce of me.  I never held back.  I've tried...  but, I just don't think I can do it again.  I'm so lonely... and still so crushed.  I don't want to propose to anyone else.  I built up so much to do it to you.  I still remember it so clearly.  Was Will as surprising and special with his proposal?  Did he ask your dad's permission?

It's rhetorical.  It doesn't matter.  I just sometimes wonder...  did I ever do anything right?  Do you ever think about me?  Is there any ounce of you, that still loves me?  Tell me that NYC, was as amazing to you... as it was for me.  Tell me something... anything.  Please.  Please, just stop my crying.  Hurt me more, if you have to... just so I don't feel this way.  This completely lost feeling.  I am completely lost without you.  I miss you so much.  I don't want to do this anymore.  I don't want to cry and think and ... anything.  It's just so fucking hard.

I sound so pathetic.  The tears build up, roll down my cheek and I think of everything I wish I could ask you, in front of me.  I wish I could put my hands on your shoulders, pull you in tight for a hug and kiss you with the passion that's been burning away in my heart.  I wish I could show you, how wrong you are... for believing and telling me, that I didn't love you enough or at all.  I wish you had given me a second chance to prove how different I could have made our lives, rather than giving up on me... the one and only time.

I wish I had a picture of you, where I don't breakdown in tears and sob for hours over.  I wish I could tuck my children into bed, stand beside you and sing goodnight songs.  I want to hear the "Dark Song".  I want to hold your hand.  I want you back, so badly...  that I'd amputate my legs, if I knew it would happen, knowing  I would never walk again.  I would gouge out my eyes and be blind, if it meant I could reach my hands up to your face and feel your lips love me.  I wish...  I wish, I wish, I wish...  I had 1 more hour with you.  I'd give my entire world for it.  I've given so many tears... I wish they amounted to something.  But you'll never read this with the pair of eyes you once had.  You'll cast off with disbelief and maintain your ground.  I never loved you... right?  And that's why you never loved me.  That's gotta be the answer.  Right? 

I don't know if I'll ever get the answers.  I don't know how much more of this, I can take.  Waiting... for you.

So until then, I'll keep writing...  and crying.

~John

My Vault

  Is essence, that's what it is.  It's just a storage unit, but still...  it houses my treasures.  I have to goto it today.  For the last year, I've avoided anything having to do with it, because it has everything from Kendall.  And as things progressively got worse and worse, I wanted to see it less and less.  A lot of things are from the move out of Dave's.  Which had a lot of her pictures, memorabilia, mother's things and a bunch more odds and ends.  Things that people would want to keep.  When it ended... which I don't know any other way to explain...  I felt responsible for trying to keep some integrity and do the right thing.  I was crazy over losing Kendall, especially the way I did... but thought we'd always remain somewhat close.  We always were tied to one another with the kids.

  Now they are gone and she is gone.  And I'm left with a unit full memories, I'm unsure if I could handle right now.  I just can't believe how this has all happened.  I can't believe I lost someone so important to me.  I still miss her so much.  And I wish I didn't.  I'm honestly, tired of crying.  I'm tired of questioning, was she my "one"?  Because, I knew the answer...  I knew I would love her and she would one day, stop loving me.  It was a fear.  And as, we grew together... that fear grew.  Losing her...  losing her and the kids.  Losing everything I loved.  I thought about it a few times.  If her and the kids were driving and would get into an accident.  I would call, just to know they were okay.  Or ask for updates, so I would know if something took longer than it should.  I knew, how it would feel... to lose my family.  But, I didn't know it would be like this...  I didn't know that it would be so much harder than  I ever imagined. 

  I never considered us soulmates.  She would say it all the time and I would believe it... but I could never say that I gave her my soul.  I sold my soul to have Kendall.  Someone who would brighten up every ounce in my day.  She was my greatest.  And so are the things she gave to me.  But, in the end... it would never be the thing I asked for.  She thought gifts were the way to my heart... but it was always the little things.  She bought me flowers a few times.  She'd do something special.  We'd spend our lives together and smile, while surrounded with the kids. 

  And all of these memories, sleep in that vault.  I haven't been able to keep a straight face with this letter.  I'm isolated, just so I can comfortably cry.  I felt the need yesterday in the car, just knowing that I'd have to go through clothes, pictures and memories.  The kids, already are so big.  They've grown so much... that I wonder... why am I still crying?  When will I stop?  I miss the kids...  I really miss my kids.

~John

 

So I punched him in his eye.

  He standing there.  We're arguing and she's packing things to take the kids away.  I can feel the emotions welling up inside of me.  He talks as if, he knows me... but all the things he's been told are basically lies.  Lies to change who I am and who he is.  A glorified hero.  A glorified desperate measure to get out of the life that was so hard.  She replaced me.  In all the areas that she could get you to replace me.  She doesn't love you anymore than she loved me.  You're just the next step.  A chapter... which, if you knew anything about her family... you'd know it's a short step.

  I cock back my arm.  I feel it so tense, like a paper could break it if the wind was strong enough.  I push it forward with all of my might.  I can feel the tears, waiting to come out the second there's contact with his eye and my fist.  Plow.  He's shook up.  Good.  That's how I've felt for the last 2 years of my life, while I watched this asshole take everything away from me.  He talked to her more than he should... she talked back, more than she should...  she couldn't just end it... leave me... be single.  She had to walk into another mans arms.  She's not as strong as I thought, but very weak.  Very incapable of doing it on her own.  No logical thought.  Just selfishness.  Forced the kids to move so far away.  Far from those that love them.  All for her selfishness.

  She's in shock.  I don't think she's ever seen me strike anyone like that.  Ever...  Never have I raised my fist to another human being in her presence...  not even her.  Sometimes, I should have...  but I've opened my mouth before and I ruined it for her in the process.  So, this time... I did it for me.  I told him the things I needed to tell him as he held his eye in disbelief.  "Those are my children.  I love them with all my heart.  Don't ever fucking forget it.  You can keep her... she's only ever done me wrong, while I loved her with all my heart."

  Yeah... so what.  It was only a dream.  A dream, I have never felt more alive from.  I woke up feeling so refreshed.  I literally jumped out of bed.  And that NEVER happens.  I feel great.  Not because I punched someone, even in my proposed dream.  But, that I stuck up for myself.  Which I wish I could have done in real life.  I was more in a state of shock when she left, the way she left.  It was like I never mattered.  And it's definitely like that now.  All those nicknames she's calling him, she called me.  All those things she tells him, she told me.  I still know her better than he does.  I still remember a million things about Kendall, though I wish I could flush them all down the toilet.  I just want to say, how hard it is to stop loving someone.  It's almost impossible.

  Small victory in my dream.  Thanks for giving me one...

~John

Too much sometimes...

  Nothing has been constant in my life for a while now.  It's been such a mess...  And I'm getting exhausted.  I still play back the entire situation, over and over in my mind.  I try to block it out, because of the mood it puts me into.  Sometimes, I still want to cry... sometimes I just want to be left alone.  I've stopped reaching to friends.  It's not gone.  I swallow hard and just tell myself to get through another day.

  I spent 6 years.  6 years, by your side every day.  And, waking up to another day not by your side is depressing.  I play back every moment together and regret little.  Baltimore wasn't easy on us, but never did I question you're love for me.  Especially not after NYC.  I felt closer to you.  We weren't relying on anyone... it was just us.  I never thought or knew you weren't in love with me anymore...  and I definitely had no idea about Will.

  I read the letter that night and just shook.  I couldn't handle it, finding out that you were loving someone else and I had no idea about it.  How could you not know, I loved you?  I was by your side, every step of the way. 

  It shocked me so painfully, I haven't snapped out of it.  I still wish you were with me.  I still miss you with every ounce of my soul.  I don't know if I could ever be with you again... but, I would have given anything to not have this happen and to still be by your side.  Pregnant... Married...  Were you over me that quickly?  Did I mean that little to you...  or did you honestly believe that you meant that little to me?

  So many questions.  So many things I wish I could say.  How, could you hurt me this way?  How can you hurt someone who loved you with every breathe...?

  I miss the kids.  I miss them so much, I get sick thinking about them.  How I can't hug them or be their "daddy".  I can't see my daughter on her first day of school... and unless I plan something special, I probably won't be there for my sons 3rd Birthday.  HOW?  How am I the one losing, when I've been morally right, this whole time.  I've reacted.  You left.  I reacted.  You took the kids.  I reacted.  You kept the kids from me.  I reacted.  You moved away.  I reacted.  You made all the decisions that went against every promise you made to me.  You've lied to people about me.  You've lied to yourself.  You turned me into someone else, just so you could hate me.  I never laid my hands on you in any manner that was abusive.  I loved you... why the hell would I do that?  Even after the times, you've stepped over the line.  When you would physically hurt me?  Punched me dead in the face and I did little.  I still remember that day.  You punched me.  I walked out.  By midnight that night, you were calling, crying and apologizing.  I loved you and almost instantly forgave you.  Sometimes, that was us.  We're both too much alike.  But, I would have never done this to you.  I always imagined you in my life, getting old with me.  You were my fate.

  Now, you're the only reason I cry.  You're the only reason, I feel empty, insecure, tired and worthless.  You're the reason, I have such heartache and pain.  You're the reason I have 200 memories, I wish I didn't have.  You're the reason I hold in, not saying "I love you" anymore, when I do.  You're the reason the kids are far away from their father...  missing him horribly.  Or can you not see that?

  I still... just don't know what to do.  It's so hard to see you.  To see pictures of you.  I opened a video game case and found a photo from "Believe It or Not".  We're both sitting on beams with hardhats and kissing.  I just fell to pieces.  I couldn't keep it together and cried for 1/2 an hour.  It wasn't even that long before you left me.  7 months and you were gone.  How?...  How??

  I never ask God for anything...  sometimes, I could completely careless about him as I assume he does to me.  But, if there's anything I would ask him...  it's that I can stop feeling this way.  To stop crying and wishing for something, that'll never happen, never come true.  To let go of this feeling that only I have ever had, since the first day I met you.  Since you gave birth to my daughter, as I watched her grow in your belly.  Since you gave birth to my son... and again, I watched him grow and was filled with so much joy.  I have the videos of them.  I have the pictures.  I have the clothes.  I have their life or what it once was.  I was a great father...  I know I was.

~John

I still cry.

  Amongst many of the feelings I have gone through in the last almost 2 years...  I am still lost.  I'm still in shock.  I still cry, dream and think every day of my life, about you.

  Tonight was triggered thanks to Marissa.  She posted a video of your birth with Will.  And I just cried.  It felt like, Johnathan or Kylie...  seeing those emotions and almost hearing your cries as you gave me my 2 kids.  Remembering that I have never left your side in almost 6 years.  I while, we fought, I never loved you a day less than the others.  That somewhere, along the way... you lost your love for me.

  I was where, Will was and is.  And I still don't know why.  Why have you called me names, taken my children and my life.  You took my family away and still, I don't have a reason why.  I've been part of your life, through your 21st birthday and both births of our kids.  I've worked, cooked and cleaned.  I have held your hand and been a shoulder for you to rest your head on.  I've never been dishonest.  I've never hurt you, more than you've hurt me.

  Why...  did I lose?  Why did the most important thing in my life, walk out the door without a second thought or chance to fix our life.  Why didn't you ever talk to me and tell me the problems and issues in our life or your fears?  Why did you just abandon me?

  Will I ever know?

  Will you ever know, how much I loved you?  How I've missed you...  How I wish some days you would just leave my thoughts?  How I wish you were more honest to me...  You hid the truth.  You lied.  You cheated.  You broke my soul.  You made me believe we were soulmates.  You made me trust you, while you slowly took my life from me.

  I still cry.  I still get so upset and crawl into a corner to be left alone.  I still go through the thousands of memories in my mind, where you are there smiling at me... wondering... when you'll be back.  Did you know this would happen to us?  Did you know everything that would happen when you left me?  Do you regret the decision you made?  Do you miss me?  Even a little?

Arg.  Fuck.  Goodnight.

~John

The bad...

  It's taken me a long time to accept what has gone on.  Things that I haven't seen or just surprised me.  I'm often reminded, why my life has become what it has become.  Someone else made you smile, in a time I made you cry.  What has followed has only been something that has made me cry everyday of my life in some degree or another.  I forgot, exactly what it is, I loved so much about you.  Why...?

Why?  Because, I've been accustomed to replacing that love, with things that have only hurt me.  The bad...  You're slutty ways.  I read it in your journal.  One, of which I hold in my possession, when you left this town with literally nothing but our children.  Journals that hold all the secrets of you.  You're words, spoken on paper, which I read, shortly after you left... as Dave and I were leaving the home you just about grew up in.  Grew up with me in.  You were messing around with other guys.  When you brought Will to my home, like it was no big deal.

Was I insecure?  Yes.  Absolutely.  You brought a man, that you claim to love over the internet and hardly in person... to the place where we raised our children.  Where you began initiating this "daddy" complex with.  The beginning of this journal. 

But, that's not the bad.  The bad, is how I have begun to see you.  I no longer see you in the same light as I once used to.  The same love and admiration, I spent years building for you... which wasn't the same in your eyes.  Somehow... just the opposite.  I begin to speak lately, as if you are the bain of my existance.  I didn't realize until today, that this is how I have begun to speak on your behalf  and in no way, do I like it.  I miss loving you...  but it seems the only way to get through this properly is to begin hating you.  To purposely forget, everything that was so fantastic about you.  This is in turn, exactly what you did to me.  You got to a point where you ridiculed me.  You laughed at me from the background as you took everything I loved away... because, well... you didn't love me anymore.  I have no other way.  You won't allow me to talk to you like an adult.  Like the friend you thought I would be when you ended this...  you won't give me an ounce of lee-way as you took everything from my life, including our kids... including Alora.  Which seems, that you cannot stop the way she sees me.  I am her father, blood or not... and it must burn you up inside to see that you still considers me as such.  In a time, when you constantly encouraged it to the point of belief.  In her eyes and in your own.  Does it bother you that I want a relationship with her?  That I loved to you to such a degree that, I took something that soley came from you and made it mine too...  I did raise her.  I did love her no different... no little, no more than my own.  I love her, like I love them.  She is mine... and the way she talks to me, even after 9 months of not talking to me has proven, I've made a place in her heart, much the same as I once made a place in your heart.

I speak the bad.  I talk about you in a way, I am in no way proud of... but ashamed.  Very.  How could I act this way, about someone I sadly... still love.  That I would drop my life for and accept in a moment... all of the inconsistencies as I once accepted you for.  You were in no way perfect...  and neither was I.  But, I still loved you with all my heart...  and this is the only way I can rid that idea.  Stuff it away and forget.  That's what you want... isn't it?

~John

Can't sleep... clowns will eat me.

  I'm laying here in bed, my mind racing a million miles a minute.  So give me a second to catch you up to speed.  It's been an exhausting day and still...  I can't sleep.

  The kids are probably almost in Seattle.  I could break down and cry...  I want to...  but what good would it do.  Honestly, people would just continue to see me as weak, as I've shown that throughout most of this situation.  I'm weak in the fact, I have no family.  My kids are 4,000 miles away and the person I loved with all my heart, I am slowly starting to hate.  Hate from hurt, pain, intention, ignorance, lying, selfishness.  There's nothing left of what I once was, other than photos.  I want to wrap my arms around them.  Sing them to sleep.  Dance them to bed.  And I can't because she lied, cheated and stole my life away from me.  Someone I trusted everything, included my heart...  took everything.  I see her in pictures and sob in the worst way.  The night I proposed, I remember crystal clear...  I still can't bare to look at those pictures anymore.  I would feel so empty, if I didn't feel so alive from the tears.

  Something as little as talking to them on the phone, is an excuse.  It's a lie.  It's something to lead me along, while she furthers her actions to keep the kids from me as much as possible.  I tried to call...  but am told that they are driving and therefore cannot talk on the phone.  A bullshit reason, knowing full well, they are capable...  We've done it before on long trips.

  I'm talking to Lori again... with no more effort than is required, thanks to the agreement in court which was the only condition to them moving to Seattle.  She can move if I can have a relationship with Alora.... whom I've raised and see as my daughter.  I sacrificed, just for her.  Kendall didn't like it... but her want to move, was much more important than trying to withhold me from talking to Alora.  It took some time for Lori to warm up, but eventually starting coming around.  Took a few calls.  I still have no real reason as to why we stopped.  I really don't believe there is a real reason.  I believe she was lied to, just as I was.

  It's true...  I never traveled and demanded.  I never got the police involved.  I never got a lawyer.  I never fought...

  I never wanted to fight.  Not against someone I loved, who demanded me to put up my fist and fight her for something that should be natural.  Something that should be blood, love and caring.  A mutual respect...  which was anything but.  Kendall openly took everything away from me.  She openly lied.  She openly destroyed my life.  Gave me little chance for memories or to be a father.  To correct and raise my children, other than in the beginning.  She changed my entire perspective of her.  Even in my posts, am I still amorous about her.  I was still in love with her and everything she ever was.  At least, the person I knew when we were family...  I believed her to be intelligent and admired everything about her... for a long time.  I fell in love with her many times throughout our relationship.  A newfound love.  NYC was a time, I loved her the most.  An amazing weekend... and still she hasn't looked as beautiful, sexy and amazing as she did on those nights when we spent time in the most amazing city in the world.  It was 8 months after NYC and she was gone.

  It's taken time to come around and realize, exactly the kind of woman she is.  How quickly everything in my life changed and I was made to feel the problem... when the problem was pretty straight forward.  She cheated.  She lied.  She was talking to Will before we ended.  She was sending videos to Will.  (Personal Videos)  Before we ended...  if anything, finding out about that going on is eventually what ended it.  Learning of their secret affair behind my back, while I raised the children.  Secretly meeting...  asking me for a 3some with her, before it was over.

  She's the one who was completely wrong...  and I still lost.  Alone...  with nothing, but me.

  What the court has set for me.
  What I am "allowed".
 
  I can't get these words out of my head...
  You're just a sperm donor.
  It's all your fault.
  If I could put you on the kids birth certificates, I would.  But I know John would take it to court.
  You're more of a father than John ever was.
 
  How does someone who loved you, talk this way about you when you are gone...?
  I couldn't do it.  I haven't done it.  I just don't say it.  I don't tell the world your secrets and talk shit behind your back.  I don't plan how to fuck up your life.  The only life you get.  I actually cared.  I actually loved...  to the point it took almost 2 years, just to get you off my mind and the tears out of my eyes.  That was long enough for you to get pregnant with another mans baby, married and run away with my kids.  To erase me.

  I fought a lot this past year.  I fought a lot internally.  I fought the feelings of despair.  I fought the ideas of loving you anymore.  I fought them every day as I remembered everything I loved about you for the last 650 days.  You alone destroyed my whole life.  You took it all...  and now I can't sleep.

  In 3 1/2 hours, I leave to goto a cabin for the weekend.  I'm going with Amanda (the girl you were so insecure over) her boyfriend Mike, Nathan and Jason.  I will think about you when I don't want to.  I will dream about you and awake, used to you not being here.  I will toss and turn...  I will go on another damn day.  Trying to make myself mad, instead of sad.  Trying to lift my soul, which feels like I am dragging a wounded body through mud.  I will imagine you with me.  It will fade.

I will live...
Right?


Alora.  I am so excited that you are back in my life...  I won't take advantage of a moment of it.  I am not your dad by blood.  But, I wish I was... and I wish he could have known just how amazing you've truly turned out to be.  If you ever want to know...  just ask.  Kylie...  you mean the absolute world to me.  You're my little monkey.  You've got a lot of dad in you.  You're silliness, your adventure, your curiosity.  I cannot wait until I can see you again and hug you with all my might.  Johnathan...  I never wanted to call you that.  But, now I wouldn't have it any other way.  You are my son and I love you with all of my heart.  I am not a perfect man, but strong in the heart, honest and intelligent.  I want to guide you through life to being a better man one day.  There's no one else in your life who will teach you that.  I've been through your lives every step of the way.  You are the reasons I wake up every morning...  to get one day closer to seeing yous and being your father, daddy, dad...  I would never do yous wrong... and I would never do your mother wrong.  But if in the future...  we're not getting along...  you know my perspective and why.  We don't lie to those we love.  We are honest, accept the changes or consequences of our actions and face the truth.  Lying hurts those you love most.

~John

Goodbye my love.

There are few moments that come by, where I am able to get clarity.  I somehow, end up taking a deep breathe, while counting to ten, when answers of the universe collide with my brain.  Or... I just realize. 

There are questions I will never have answered.  There will still be nights where I tear up when I think about you.  There will be regrets.  Perhaps I didn't do enough to keep you with me.  It will scar.  It will hurt.  My appearance has changed much since the beginning of this.  I don't blame anyone, but a different path I really didn't want to take.  I've gained weight.  Almost 50 lbs.  I am not happy about it and actually going to a gym and exercising daily to work it off.  I am doing the best I can, to change the things in my life around.  To gain some control and not let this situation destroy my integrity.  To keep missing someone, who is gone.  It will happen.

Now, I need to let some out.  I miss you.  I miss you more than words can say.  I'm so confused on why you've treated me this way.  I fight the truth, hoping your still right there.  I dream of you, but living you was like a dream.  A dream I wish I could have a thousand times more.  You were my friend.  You were my lover.  You were my fiance.  And I was yours.  But, I know it'll be a long time before I see it.  You were absolutely the world to me.

Now... I have to get over you.

I'd kiss your forehead, but that was long ago.

  When things were ending, I wrote something.  It's in a blackbook, safe in the storage shed, along with almost everything that reminds me of you.  At the time, I was so alive, though it wasn't a feeling of alive as it should have been.  I lost you.  In the days that followed, I had remembered every moment I spent with you and some I did not.  I was up late.  Most of the time, you had fallen asleep with my baby on you.  I cried, seeing the woman I loved in bed with my child.  I never told you.  It was mine... my little secret.  Moments like that made me mushy all the time, but this was one time I never took for granted.  I always got up from my seat.  I always walked over.  I always whispered in your ear, how much I love you and I kissed you on your forehead.

  Regardless of what you thought, it was the truth.  Though some times were rough with us, I loved you with all my heart.  You could be so stubborn and regardless of the how the day went, this is how it ended.  I was the biggest, laziest, totally in love with my kids father, I knew.  I made you mad at me sometimes and things escalated at times, to a place they never should have gone.  But, still I loved you with all my heart.

  It's been so long.  And while there's a new pile to deal with and a new perspective I look at you, I still feel exactly the same.  I've said it before...  I hate who you've become.  I honestly, don't even know where it came from.  I remember a million great moments with you.  I cannot imagine going through another million without you.

  Now, I'm on the verge of losing it.  My son and my daughter are being raised, encouraged and pushed to call a new man daddy.  It hasn't stopped one day, as many times as I have tried to talk to you about it.  And with their absence from my life, it's all they know.  Will is daddy.  The man who began all of this.  Who you cheated on me with, held him as a secret and managed to replace me in every possible area.  This year, I have seen my children 35 hours, not including drivetime.  It's July.  I haven't seen them for another 7 weeks.  And everytime I talk to my son, he thinks I am your husband.

  Most people care little.  Some don't care at all.  This just isn't their life.  This is mine and I literally have nothing of it left.  I have the pictures, videos and thoughts in my head, that tell me you were real.  You were really the love of my life.  My children were amazing and I am a lucky father.  At least I was.  I miss Alora.  I miss her so much that sometimes, I just cry staring at her yellow puppy.  I fall to pieces that you have taken her out of my life so easily.  How did you do it?  Did you lie?  Did you tell stories?  How did you convince her to never want to talk to her father?  How could you do it?

  Johnathan...  I love you with all my heart and soul.  The day I found out you were a boy, I cried.  I still have your ultrasound.  You've brought a joy to my life that I simply cannot explain.  I am lucky to have you as a son and to carry on my name.  I hope the world treats you better than it did to me.

  Kylie...  your beauty waking me up for the last 5 years has been truly a gift.  There is so much of me in you and I find that to be amazing.  You have your fathers sense of humor.  You have my lovable personality and finally, I've been very fortunate that I was given the ability to rock you every night to sleep when you were a baby.

  Alora...  I was there for everything.  Your blessing circle, I made a promise that you can always come to me and talk to me about anything.  I don't see you any different than Kylie or Johnathan, which is why I hurt the way I do.  I am not your father, but would love to have been.  Since you were 3 months old and I began babysitting you, I had the pleasure to be with you throughout my life.  You're so intelligent and awesome.  I love you and hope, you will see me one day as you once did.

  Kendall.  I write your name and I feel like it belongs to me.  Nestled in my heart.  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry for anything I have ever done, to where I deserved this in my life.  You pushed me away before you could really find out how deeply imprinted you were in my heart.  I've heard everyone say the meanest, nastiest things... and I cannot bare to listen to them any longer.  You were my greatest accomplishment.  That someone as amazing as you, could ever love someone like me.  Even if it wasn't forever.  I wish my life didn't end up like this and I was able to still wake up with you in my arms, make you coffee and wish you a great day at work.  I won't ever understand how this came to be...  how I actually lived my fear, being abandoned... by my family.  The worst thing in the world I could have ever imagined.  It happened to me.  It's hell.  It's a hell I would never wish on anyone, especially you.  I don't hate you.  I still love you with all my heart.  I just cannot take it anymore.  Please, take care of our children.  Please tell them about their father and how much I loved them.  Show them the pictures of me and the stories of all the great things I ever did with them.  They mean so much to me.  It's just so unbearable to be without them.  I'm so lost.  Without you and without them.  I can't sleep.  And when  I do,  I dream of you.  I wish it would just stop, because it's such a painful agony to wake up and you're not there.  I never got to say goodbye.  And if I could, I'd pull down the moon to prove to you, everything you meant to me.  But this is what it is.

  I love you.
~John

SNAFU - Shit Normal, All Fucked Up

  I often would think about the times we spent together.  It seemed like I would be lucky enough to spend every day of my life with you.

  How things have changed.  Life has completely flipped and I am in this hell, that actually was heaven to me.  I woke up every day next to you.  Now I wake up every day thinking about how you fucked me over.

  My kids are gone.  The amazing little souls, that would climb into bed with us, snuggle with us for hours and made me feel like such an amazing man.  Now I wake up to TV's on, smoke in the air and an overall consistant feeling like I am no longer a factor in even my own life.

  I had a job daily.  I spent it raising children, making dinners, doing laundry and awaiting your return every hour of my day.  Now, I clean up after others who don't appreciate it, watch my mother snort things up her nose, flip out, talk behind peoples back, my sister act like a bitch, manipulate her fiance, lazy around while she grows fatter and dumber.  I smell my brother smoking endless amounts of pot, waste his life playing his Xbox, who has more attention and money put into it than his own son and my dad get no where.

  I fight to be a father to my children, when I was all that my children had.  I struggle to make ends meet...  how can I provide for them?  I'm fighting unemployment for the first time in my life that I've ever had to collect.  I argue with people who say the most hurtful things they can think of.  I just want to cry.  I have no support, no love, no consideration. 

  2 years ago, you were everything.  They were everything.  Then you changed my life.  I never saw it coming.  I trusted you, though I shouldn't have.  Your track record definitely speaks for itself.  And still... all I want is them.  My son, doesn't even know me as his daddy.  He confuses me for Will and it kills my soul everytime I am forced to hear it.  I've tried so hard.  I've fought so long and I'm just growing so weary...  I cannot lie and say, that there have been a thousand times that I haven't thought about just ending it all.  About giving up completely and not giving the world another chance to do this to me further.  Slam me with every possible cruel, fucked up thing that I couldn't have even imagined.  I am really unsure if I can keep going.  I keep telling myself, just one more day.  Things will get better.  One day closer to see them.  One day closer until they find out the truth.  One day closer for me to sit around and marvel at karma, coming back and getting every person who's wronged me, for their own self-preservation.  So I can sit, laugh and feel the same feelings that you feel now.  Ha.  You sure got me.  You sure fucked my life up, so badly that I don't even know where to begin.

  I don't stick around for that though.  I don't sit and wait to see the fate of the world and wonder how long, just to see you assholes, get exactly what you deserve in the end.  Instead, I wait.  Wait to be a father.  Wait to be loved as I once thought I was.  Wait to see the silver lining.  Will I win a 1,000,000 dollars?  Will the world know my name?  Who the hell knows.  Who the hell knows.

  Still...  with all this brewing.  This pain, stewing.  I think of you.  I think of you, when you were most beautiful in my eyes.  I think of you, when you were the amazing woman I once knew.  I block out the nonsense.  I block out the bullshit people tell me daily.  I ignore them.  You were not capable of hurting a fly.  You once loved me with all your heart.  You made me what I was.  Who I am.  How you've changed...  how you have most certainly have changed.

Tears stream... down your face... when you loose something you cannot replace...

  I would listen to the lyrics on this song, a thousand times.  I cried more than I have in my entire life.  I hear the song once in a while and it reminds me, how this got me through losing you.  The greatest person in my life, who slowly tore my world apart.  I just can't believe how much time has gone by.  You've forgotten everything about me and forced yourself to get rid of every memory with me.

  It's so painful somedays to see you and not be able to hold you like I used to.  To tell you I love you.  Which even after all this time, I still do.  I hate the things you have done to me... and I loose momentum to fighting against you because of it, but I still ache.  I still can't sleep.  Sometimes I can't eat... and other times I can't stop.  I'm a slug without you.

  I don't want to go into this.  Not now.  Not ever again, if I can do that.  I miss you and you're gone.  And never coming back.  I'm sorry.  I'd give anything to be with you.  I wish you knew, how you gave my life light.  How I can never let go, though I'll stay quiet.  You are my soulmate, even if you do not believe any longer that I am yours.  You and I are too much of the same, that magically mashed together and made a family.

  Whatever wrongs I did, I wish you could forgive me for.  Whatever imperfections I had, I wish you could see past and know... just know... that I would have done anything you needed me to do.

  I wish this wasn't my life, but you were my life again.  I wish on every star at night.  I dream of it.  I need more time.

A mind eraser...

  Is what I need.  It's been too long and I know it.  500 days.  Roughly, no ones counting.  I've been without you this long.  I've been without your smile.  I haven't held your hand.  You haven't said you love me.

  I don't know if I am waiting for some day, for you to magically reappear in my life.  I really don't know what to think.  I know that you're fighting me and fighting me hard, to walk away with my kids.  To leave me behind and all of our memories.  You've been taking those steps for a little over a year.  Something that has crushed my soul.  This all has killed me, without killing me.  It would have been easier for you to just put a bullet into me and walk away.  I'm still grieving, you being gone.

  I loved you.  I loved you more than I have to anyone in my whole life.  I never saw this.  I never saw the things you said to me.  I never saw the end coming.  I still cannot believe what you've done to "our" life.  I still cannot believe your efforts to take and keep my children from me.  How could you take Alora away, knowing that I see her no differently than Kylie or Johnathan.  I raised her the same.  With the same love.  The same tone of voice.  The same caring, fatherly love... I've had for years.  You never questioned it before... and yet, you question it now.

  The only happy part of my life is being with the kids.  It might only be 2/3, but still I smile and remember how great they are.  It reminds me all of the times I tucked them into bed, sang songs and was the best father that I could be.  My problem with weed.  Not even much of a problem, but one you are claiming now, makes me a bad father.  You encouraged it at one point, even telling me I should sell it.  *shrugs*  I don't know.  I feel like I never really knew you.  I feel like you lied to me all those years and never enjoyed a moment of our life together.

  NYC was amazing.  You were amazing.  You were jawdroppingly amazing.  I loved parading around NYC with my "wife".  Seeing the world with you.  Seeing and doing new things, as we have always done.

  I don't see that now.  I see you, trying to normalize a situation that was created this way.  I see you running away because I didn't have enough money.  You ran to someone with money.  And now you're happier because of it.  You've taught our children to call him daddy.  You've alienated me, with our children and my oldest.  You've lied about me, even trying to lie to me, as if I somehow forgot all the wrongs you did to me over the years.  You held scissors up to my throat.  You punched me, square in the face.  Are these the lies I tell others?  I just don't know you anymore.  And I wish I did.  The woman I knew, blew my mind away.  She dazed me every day of my life for over 2000 days.  48000 hours.  I miss you.  More than I've ever missed someone who passed away.  I miss you.

  I'm tired of crying.  And just hope that the next person in my life who tells me they love me, loves me more than I ever loved you.  That's the only way I can get over it.  It's the only way, I could even imagine the idea to move on.  But, even then...  I know I can't.  You were/are my soulmate.  I may never get you again, but my soulmate won't change, because you left.  I really don't want anyone else.  I'm only trying, to say I did...  I never wanted anyone else.  I wanted you.  I want you.  I can't have you.  I accept that.  But, I want you.

  I hope you're happy with the way things have worked out.  I hope your truly happy.  I honestly, hope your happy.  In no way sarcastic, though times I get so upset, I'm mad.  I really hope your happy.  I'm sorry it wasn't with me.  I'd pay anything, just to see you smile again happily.

  I've thought about it, 1000 times today.  I cried while mowing the grass.  I had a dream of you and loved it.  I woke up and had have to relive it all over again.  I want them to stop, because life is just flaunting you to me, over and over and over and over again.

  I'm sorry I love you.  I wish I could stop it.
~John

Sometimes...

Sometimes I think of nothing more.
I cannot get you off my mind.
Sometimes I feel completely lost.
As there's nothing I need to find.

Sometimes my stomach still aches.
Sometimes I wish this was new.
Than these feelings I've grown used to.
Before my days turned so blue.

Sometimes I miss your face.
Sometimes I miss your hands.
Sometimes I miss your touch.
Sometimes you don't understand.

Sometimes I wish I was different.
So you would fall in love with me again.
I know that is farthest from the truth.
After seeing how you've been.

Sometimes I wonder if,
I really knew who you are.
If I knew it all these years,
why our distance is so far.

Do you realize?
How you meant the world to me?
Do you realize?
How much you betrayed me.

I don't feel like me.
I don't feel you anymore.
I cry so hard.
Pounding my fists on the floor.

You've taken it all.
You've taken my life.
You've taken my heart.
You were my wife.

You've destroyed all...
I ever felt for you.
Sometimes I think nothing at all...
Sometimes I am through.

Sometimes I swear...
I'll throw it all away.
Sometimes I want to pull you close...
Whisper and say.
I love you.  I love you so.  I miss you.  I miss you so.  You were the great.  You were the greatest so...
At some point, I need to let go.
It's not that easy.  I wish I could.  Sometimes...  I just wish you would.

Almost there...

  It's a few short days away.  I haven't accomplished much, than to enjoy my vacation, which I'm doubting if I should have taken... but definitely needed.  If not from the rut of my family, with whom I'm spending more time with than I can handle, after Aunt Ronnie's death.  I have been steadily looking for work, every day, even while in Miami.  But, still having little luck.

  I think I should remark, that this part of my blog begins a quiet era.  I need to write.  It vents what I think and dream.  Regardless of how silly...  it has been something I've used for years to talk to and vent out frustrations.  I might have mentioned this all before.  "Her (who shall remain nameless)" lawyer sent me a summons, stating I had to take my blog down from public view.  Honestly, as far as I am aware of...  not many people read it.  Let-a-lone did I expect her to.  I mean, sometimes I write as if I'm asking questions...  but, I really don't expect an answer or even a glace.  Kelley reads this blog and talks to me on bad days.  She's been there to listen to my cries, since the beginning.  She's known "us" since the beginning and cares about what I am going through.  From other perspectives, I can understand they don't see it that way.  But I do.  She's helped me through the beginning of all of this.

  So...  lets talk.

  Miami was amazing.  It was hell getting down there and I used some savings that I had put to the side, specifically for the trip, back in December.  I took care of the hotel.  It was awesome.

  Sunday we arrive.  Unpack, Hook up prospective computers, find a place for dinner.  BLAM.  We land in a German Restaurant.  Pretty authentic and a lot of fun.  We have Easter dinner, which was delicious...  and the atmosphere was great.  But, I glanced around a lot noticing families in each of the booths.  It made me wonder what it would have been like to be surrounded by the kids.  I only get a few times, where I can openly talk about the kids on the vacation without annoying anyone.  So, I smiled and made jokes or anything that could take my mind off it.

  We stopped into Ft. Lauderdale.  The water was amazing.  The moon had the most incredibly shimmer across the water.  It really sunk in, how I really needed to take this trip.  We step into a bar.  I order a typical beer, because Tom and Joe were already talking about going to the bar next door.  Joy...  I know I'm not going to sit and relax.  And I don't.  We move to a Big Kahuna knockoff or something, get the free drink because of our wristbands.  We listen to some karaoke.  I sing a song and then back to the car and off to the hotel for bed.   I called the kids, but never got through.  I called a few times actually.  It hurt.  Year number 2 with no Easter.

  On Monday, we went out to a sportsbar.  Honestly, the last thing I wanted to do on my vacation was sit and drink.  I was saving that for the club.  Which, I'll get to.  Decked out in Phillies Gear, we sit and watch the game.  And little by little, watch them lose.  Not a great game.  We spent  a little time on the beach, which I walked away a little red.  I got ahold of Scooby and Jay.  Both of my cousins from when I was little.  Both are real straight edge good guys.  Far from the antics of the alcoholics and shit in my family.  They both turned out pretty good.  We caught up.  I felt like I was rambling at times, but I guess everything was cool.  They are family.  We spent a couple house catching up, grabbing a quick bite to eat.  And then talking some more.  We spoke like old men.

  Tuesday was a great day.  We woke up and left right away for the Marina in Ft. Lauderdale.  He had yet to really goto Miami... but that was just fine.  We get there on time.  Tom had set everything while we were all sleeping.  We were to take a ride on the Party Boat.  Which really wasn't really a "party" boat, but a fun boat.  Had a slide off the back, a water trampoline, an amazing view anywhere on the boat.  It was rocking.  Probably because of the kids and parents and type of crowd, it wasn't at it's true making, but hell... I had a ton of fun, just being a big kid for a little while.

  Tuesday night, we go back to the hotel.  We all shower, dress and get ready for a night on the town in Miami.  We pull into Miami.  We're all excited, dressed in our best.  Each doused in flavors of colognes and perfumes.  We pack and feed the meter 4 hours worth of quarters.  We get to the club.  We're redirected and have to walk through a group of promoters who are just annoying as shit.  We make our way to this new club.  BIG guys in tuxedos guard the doors and grope just about every area you've got.  25$ cover charge.  The most I have EVER paid.  14$ drinks.  Unbelievable.  But, undoubtedly, amazingly...  the best, dance floor I have ever danced on.  The second would be Lagoo... when Stevie B. was there, but it was because of the company.

  Tom fled the club down the beach.  He was drunk, but Joe, Sam and I were completely sober.  It was pretty funny actually.  He crashed on the beach, on him butt.  He was excited, shouting about how we were actually on Miami beach.  He rambled...  and started talking about our friendship and how long we've known one another and then talked about "her".  I didn't, only because I had already thought about her and dealt with that, early in the day.  I didn't want to get back into it.  I got him up and we moved him the 2 blocks back to car.  We drove back to the hotel.  On the ride back, Tom puked... which was an accomplishment... because honestly, no one had ever seen Tom puke.  He's passed out... and thanks to some pirate gear, we tagged him for that one.

  Wednesday, no one wanted to leave, though Joe was in a rush all day to get back on the road.  We traveled back down to Miami.  We pulled into the city and walked around getting pictures of a lot of different things.  I realized, how much weight I've gained, once I looked at those pictures.  I don't really like it.  I don't really know how I got it.  I didn't think my eating increased or moving around decreased.  I do know, I want to lose it.  I said that before... We head back to the beach and rent some bikes for an hour.  I talk to Kylie and Johnathan.  Still no Lori.  I don't know how to cope with that.  Sometimes, when I am done talking to K and J and the phone hangs up, I still tear up.  It still really bothers me.  It will for a long long time.  We leave... sun still in the sky.  It was a great trip.  I haven't smiled like that in a few years.

  We drive home.

I'm RICH! April Fools!!

...  Today, I spent my day off work.  Not usual for a Sunday.  Normally, I am there every Sunday.  I took off today to goto a funeral for my aunt Ronnie.  Someone very close to me.  Family that's very close to me.  I saw cousins that I haven't seen in years and recalled memories.  I had wished the kids were there with me.  I had also wished Kendall was too.  A time like that, I could have used her holding my hand, smiling her life into me.

  Drama ensued, as expected... but not in the way I had pictured.  Uncle Steve did some drinking.  Not much at first.  I understand why... but also am mature enough to know that there's another time and another place for it.  Not there... not today.  After leaving abruptly after a confrontation with Shane (Ronnie's oldest) he left.  To where... no one knew.  Coming close to the end of the day, I got a phone call.  It was Mark McIntire for Cabinets To Go.  He's a co-owner I guess?  He was assessing our location when today, literally today... he got the call.  Close our location.  Effective immediately.

  I was being let go, along with Paul.  Happily with a severance pay... but nevertheless... WTF.

  And to call at that point in time.  At a funeral.  On top of April 1st.  April Fools Day.  Are you kidding me?!

  What about my kids insurance?  What about the security of my job... which while I stuck my neck out for them, I feel I'm owed a little in return.  *sigh*

  Steve returned.  Drunker.  I took the keys, got him into the car and drove the hour drive home.  He complained, he whined... he almost had me to the point, where I would have pulled over and kicked his ass.  I was in no way nice to him.  To me, this was a slap in the face to her children, who had to witness this.  He wanted me to get him more.  It never would have happened.

  I talked to the kids today.  While it was before anything could go wrong...  it still lifted my day.  Kylie acted as if she didn't want to get off the phone with me.  She talked to Kendall about coming to visit me soon, which shocked me and made me feel good, because it was all on her.  I said nothing about it and she outright came out with it.  She misses me.  I know she does...  I wonder if Lori does.  I miss her.  I miss them all so much.  All I could do today, was walk around showing off my kids pictures and videos.  They were all saddened to hear about why they weren't beside me or their mother for that matter.  I confessed honestly, that despite everything... I still wanted to be with her, but quickly got off the subject when I realized that I was thinking about it more than I should.

  I have court coming up this month and am in no way prepared.  Looking for an attourney has proven to suck ass.  I can't believe it.  I've looked in Delaware and haven't found really any able to work in NJ.  I called the courthouse in NJ, only to be told the waiting list is in May.  Which is too late.  And once I get there, what am I to do?  Fight her with crossfire of her wrong-doings over the years...?  I really don't want to do that.  I don't.  I really really don't.  Can I make that clearer?  But, apparently, I have to.  I have to, to have any real shot with my children.  To have a part in their lives, instead of looking like a fuck-up.  And don't get me wrong... I am not perfect...  I am an excellent father and was a pretty good husband, when we weren't arguing.  I always thought of them... I always thought of her.  Even in the last moments, I truly remember with her... I laid by her side, checking her temperature throughout the night.  She was seemingly deathly sick, from something she had gotten from the kids.  I had it, but only I could take care of me in Baltimore.  I took care of her for 2 straight days, with soup and teas.  Checking temperatures and taking care of babies...  and even at her worst, I loved her.

  I don't want to lose my kids.  I DON'T want to lose MY KIDS.  I don't want to fight this is court.  I don't want to be replaced as a father... I don't want to be replaced as a daddy... I DON'T want to be replaced as love.  But it's all happened.  Will this happen too?  I'm scared.  And now, with the lingering sense of no job... I'm more afraid.

  Why must my life have so many twists and turns?  Why can it not stay constant?  Why can't I spend 5 minutes, holding your hand and looking into your eyes and knowing you love me with everything in your soul.

  So much is unanswered.  Some, I'll never get answers to.  But, I know I don't want to change.  And I don't want the world to change me.  I've become a strong strong man, even before my life fell apart.  I've help pull friends through the tragedy that I myself, feared to face.

  I need to get off this.  Off this rant...  but I need to say one thing.

  It'll stick with me, the rest of my life.  I would have done anything for you.  I did do anything.  And I'd do it again, just to be next to you.  You were my everything.  You gave me what was most important in my life, as I stood there holding your hand.  How can this be so easy for you and so hard for me?

  ~John

Right on time...

  I think about them and her every day of my life.  But mostly the kids.  In everything I do, it brings back some sort of memory with them, to the point where I talk about them to everyone... everywhere.  I'm proud to have them.  But the last few days have been tough enough to take my mind off of it for a little while.

  My aunt Ronnie passed.  She was in bad shape the last time I saw her.  Bill her husband, had just died.  And soon her.  I heard more details about it than I'd rather get into, but basically she hadn't been found for a few days and an open wound, became a much bigger one.  My cousin Shane found her like this.  Her oldest and probably the oldest cousin in the family.  Ryan his brother and then me.  The were a bit of bullies when we were kids, but grew up to be seemingly alright guys.  I don't know if I am being cruel.  I'm trying not to think about my aunt Ronnie's death.  I just feel like I have to say that.  That, I can't even begin to think about it.  It's there and I know that...  I've known her all my life and loved her though she often fell off the track.  She had a good heart.  But, it's very difficult for me to think about it right now.

  On top of that, I've been visiting my mom a lot more lately.  My brother has been calling me along with my dad, to ask me to check on her on a normal basis.  It's hard to handle, because she's so far beyond saying some of the most cruel and tough things to hear...  To all of us.  She's frail, shell of a woman I knew as my mom.  She's loud and in constant pain.  It's hard to listen.  She's on a lot of medication and depressed about a lot of things.  Not seeing the kids is one of them and I know this, because I hear it once or twice a week.  Sometimes I don't want to talk about it, because it helps me keep the tears in...  sometimes I vent a little and she's there to take it in, even though our opinions are different.  I'm scared.  It's a lot to bare right now, on top of so much.  My only wish is that I can walk away a better, stronger person.  I call her too, to make sure she's alright and ask Shawn or Che-rea or Dad, how she's doing.

  Kendall used to tell me that death's come in 3's... and then a birth.  I don't know if I believe that superstition...  but I'll admit...  it has me wondering the truth to it.  My aunt, quite possibly my mom, if it keeps going the way it has been.  Who else?  I dunno.  Not jumping to any conclusions, but I just don't know.  Kendall could have told me anything and I would have believed it.  I don't know if I was just naive...  or ...  lol, I don't know.  I listened to every word she ever said and believed it.  She was smarter than me, which I think is a hard thing to do.  I mean, I'm still human and don't know everything... duh...  but I'd like to think that I am fairly intelligent as an individual.  She was good at getting me to believe.  And in no way an insult.

  So, yeah, I haven't been able to cry about anything the last few days.  Even forgot to call the kids, while dealing with things here.  I hate not calling them to ask them about their day.  Johnathan is constantly saying more.  I miss them so much.  Not talking to Alora also get upset, when I know what's being done, behind the scenes.  Dealing with this stuff with my mom.  Maybe I should wait a few days, just to get my feet on the ground.  

  But right now, I am doing everything I can to proceed to the next step.  To get through this funeral on Sunday, take care of my mom and still get through the next month and I think April is literally going to make me or break me.  The next 30 days will determine a lot of my future life.  Mentally and physically.  And I'm sure I'll know by my 31st birthday, what kind of life that will be.  Starting with a funeral.

~John

The night my life ended.

  I'm writing in my journal much more lately than have been over the last year.  There's just so much on my mind and sometimes this is the only way I can let it go.  I can't tell friends anymore.  I'm tired of their responses and getting into debates of what's happened since then.  I'm tired of their disapproval.  I pretend everything is alright... and honestly, besides dealing with this every day of my life...  I am alright.  I've come so far.  I've surprised myself.

  I remember the night well.  It was a year and a half ago and I still remember that feeling.  My heart racing 1000 miles a minute when you uttered to me, that you love him.  That you fell in love with a man you had never met.

  I woke up.  It was 2 in the morning and I was sleeping with Johnathan in our bed.  You weren't there and right away that scared me.  In 5 years, I had never woken up that way.  You were always there.  I stepped into the girls room to find you sleeping on Kylie's bed.  You will still dressed.  I had noticed you haven't left your phone alone for the last few days and had a real bad feeling that something was going on.  I picked it up, unlocked it and immediately open was the email back and forth from you to Will.  He was flying in on Jan. 14th.  He was excited to be able to meet you and you both replied with "I love you's".

  I began to shake as I stood in the bathroom trying to make sense of things.  I couldn't stop crying.  I couldn't stop anything at all.  I wanted to scream.  We weren't broken up... we weren't seperated...  we had talked about spending a few days apart, to gain some space... but had I known this is what you had in mind, I would have been against it.

  I wiped my tears, walked into the bedroom and woke you.  I didn't want to.  I wanted to go back to bed and keep it to myself.  But, I just had to know...

  I wish today, that I just went back to bed.  I woke you and asked to talk.  "What the hell is going on?"
You followed me still half asleep.  You wouldn't look at me in the eye.  You sat in the hallway, along the left wall, knees to your chest and spilled the beans.

  I cried.  I couldn't stop crying...  I felt so betrayed and lied to.  I just couldn't believe it...  My brain was telling me to run.  If you could hurt me this way, all behind my back...  why should I stay?  Why should I leave my children?  The children I raised, while you were at work making a relationship with someone 2000 miles away.  The children, I played with, fed, bathed, clothed and took care of for months while you became more and more scarce and distant from not just them, but me too.

  I woke them up and told them to pack.  I hated telling them to do this.  But no way, could I leave them with a mother who would do this to their father, lie to him, hold the truth...  no way.  I don't want them to think that that's right or even the kind of acceptable behavior between one human being to another.  Especially to someone you're supposed to love.  Things had gone so downhill, but never did I imagine this.  I knew we'd make it out together... make our changes and be better off with a set of new challenges ahead of us.

  You called your sister.  I felt like I was being attacked, so I called my mom.  You called Dave.  We fought and argued, while the tears kept falling from my face.  I couldn't think straight and often moved between rooms because I couldn't make up my mind on exactly what I was doing.  I packed the kids things and prepared to leave.  You called the cops.  Wow...

  After more arguing and issues, I continued to pack their things until the police arrived.  I went downstairs and went outside.  There were 8 of them.  6 men, 2 women.  I stood outside with 5 of them, while the other 3 watched you and the kids.  I told them the story and couldn't hold back a single tear.  I cried, once even on a female police officers shoulder. 

  I was trapped in that house every day.  Every day for months, fighting with contractors, fixing up our home myself and still managing to take care of the kids all day long until you returned home.  I made you dinners and left them for you in the microwave... in the morning I made you coffee everyday.  I made sure you had clean cloths and ironed shirts for work in the morning and sometimes, I stayed awake all night to paint the house.  I was worn, constantly.  But you didn't care.  It was always about money.

  The cops soon left.  They told me that I could take the children and soon you agreed.  My mother came, not long later...  she was in a bitchy mood and that made it more difficult on me.  I just wanted to leave.  I couldn't be around you.  Not after what you were doing to me.  You fought with me over taking Alora.  Telling me...  "She's not your daughter!"  But she is.  She always has been.  At least, until recently.

  I went out to put the carseats in the car.  As I walked back in, I could hear you screaming...  "You're not taking my babies!"  I had no fucking clue what had happened... you told me that my mother told you that you would never see them... and it doesn't matter what she would say.  You were squeezing Johnathan tight and it looked like it was hurting him.  I reached in to grab him and take him carefully, but you fought me.  I talked calmly with you, reasoning that I would never allow that.  And I never would.  It's a shame I can't say the same for you.  You are withholding them now...  you don't want me in their lives.

  My mother takes off in the car, leaving me stranded.  I feel so alone.  I feel so fucking alone.  I have no one.  You did this to me.  You brought us to Baltimore.  You risked our lives.  I followed you and supported your every decision.  I raised our children from a hotel.  You failed us.  I did everything you ever asked from me, with no fail.

  I fall to the floor, pounding my fists on it.  I just can't believe it.  I cannot believe what you've done to me.

  I get up and run...  I run down the street, in which it's been snowing...  I run till I can't breathe and fall to the ground.  I walk slowly back to the house, when the cops show up again.  The tell me I cannot go back inside and that I need to leave, without the kids.  Because of your screaming and my mother fighting... the cops were called again.  And I am blamed for dealing with a situation you created, every step of the way.  I call my mother, whose ignoring me in the worst sense.  Who do I call?  I'm so alone.  I'm alone in all of this, while you have your family supporting your decision to leave me.  I don't care what my family would tell me, because I knew I loved you... and often fought with them because of it.

  Finally my mom returns and causes issues with the cops.  I say my goodbye to the kids, while police officers watch my every move.  I leave crying.  And almost every day since then, I've been crying.  Crying as little by little, I have everything taken from my life... while I watch you walk away unscathed.  It was nothing for you to leave me...  you made it seem so easy.  Didn't phase you one bit, what you've done to me.  That hurts worse than you saying you don't love me anymore... because you're openly proving it to me.

  Since that night... I've heard everything.  I've heard you tell me that we would still have sex, we'd be civil, you'd work with me and help me...  all a load of bullshit, when Will put his 2 cents in.  I've heard you promise me things that never came true, including your biggest promise.  "John, you're not losing your family."  "John... I would never withhold the kids from you".

  You haven't been the woman I loved since that night.  It's been a frantic foolish act trying to get that person back.  It's hurtful to even look into your eyes anymore and see coldness and ignorance.  How can someone so intelligent, be so foolish with someone elses heart and still remain heartless.

  I plead with you.  I begged.  I did what someone in love with someone else, does.  You did nothing.  You scoffed at me, laughing because you could just open your legs to someone else and instantly replace me in every sense.  Women have that power, well, most.  And everything I have ever been through with you, has been a waste.

  I regret few things in my life.  You and I both know what they are.  It's not that different from you.  We were the same 95% of the time.  Our tempers, our way of thinking...  but I would never have done this.  I never would have put you through, everything that you've put me through.  I never would have believed this, years prior.  If someone would have told me this, the night before I asked you to marry me... I would have just left.  I wouldn't have said goodbye...  I would have left immediately and you never would have heard of me again.  I would have spared my children from seeing their father, from the look on his face for the last year.  I would have saved them from being manipulated and lied to.  Convinced that this new man is not whom mommy says he is.  But you're good at that.

  I can't believe it.  Even still, I feel like I need to pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming... and I really wish I was.  I wish this was all a dream and I would wake up right now, with your arms wrapped around me.  But, I won't wake up.  This is it...  the last year of my life... all stuck in these words.  The frustration, the pain, the heartache...  I just want it to stop.  There's no release.  There's no bouncing back.  There's the small strides I've taken to keep myself stable... but still I spend some part of my day in tears.  Asking the same question.  Why?

  God...  why?

~John