Right on time...

  I think about them and her every day of my life.  But mostly the kids.  In everything I do, it brings back some sort of memory with them, to the point where I talk about them to everyone... everywhere.  I'm proud to have them.  But the last few days have been tough enough to take my mind off of it for a little while.

  My aunt Ronnie passed.  She was in bad shape the last time I saw her.  Bill her husband, had just died.  And soon her.  I heard more details about it than I'd rather get into, but basically she hadn't been found for a few days and an open wound, became a much bigger one.  My cousin Shane found her like this.  Her oldest and probably the oldest cousin in the family.  Ryan his brother and then me.  The were a bit of bullies when we were kids, but grew up to be seemingly alright guys.  I don't know if I am being cruel.  I'm trying not to think about my aunt Ronnie's death.  I just feel like I have to say that.  That, I can't even begin to think about it.  It's there and I know that...  I've known her all my life and loved her though she often fell off the track.  She had a good heart.  But, it's very difficult for me to think about it right now.

  On top of that, I've been visiting my mom a lot more lately.  My brother has been calling me along with my dad, to ask me to check on her on a normal basis.  It's hard to handle, because she's so far beyond saying some of the most cruel and tough things to hear...  To all of us.  She's frail, shell of a woman I knew as my mom.  She's loud and in constant pain.  It's hard to listen.  She's on a lot of medication and depressed about a lot of things.  Not seeing the kids is one of them and I know this, because I hear it once or twice a week.  Sometimes I don't want to talk about it, because it helps me keep the tears in...  sometimes I vent a little and she's there to take it in, even though our opinions are different.  I'm scared.  It's a lot to bare right now, on top of so much.  My only wish is that I can walk away a better, stronger person.  I call her too, to make sure she's alright and ask Shawn or Che-rea or Dad, how she's doing.

  Kendall used to tell me that death's come in 3's... and then a birth.  I don't know if I believe that superstition...  but I'll admit...  it has me wondering the truth to it.  My aunt, quite possibly my mom, if it keeps going the way it has been.  Who else?  I dunno.  Not jumping to any conclusions, but I just don't know.  Kendall could have told me anything and I would have believed it.  I don't know if I was just naive...  or ...  lol, I don't know.  I listened to every word she ever said and believed it.  She was smarter than me, which I think is a hard thing to do.  I mean, I'm still human and don't know everything... duh...  but I'd like to think that I am fairly intelligent as an individual.  She was good at getting me to believe.  And in no way an insult.

  So, yeah, I haven't been able to cry about anything the last few days.  Even forgot to call the kids, while dealing with things here.  I hate not calling them to ask them about their day.  Johnathan is constantly saying more.  I miss them so much.  Not talking to Alora also get upset, when I know what's being done, behind the scenes.  Dealing with this stuff with my mom.  Maybe I should wait a few days, just to get my feet on the ground.  

  But right now, I am doing everything I can to proceed to the next step.  To get through this funeral on Sunday, take care of my mom and still get through the next month and I think April is literally going to make me or break me.  The next 30 days will determine a lot of my future life.  Mentally and physically.  And I'm sure I'll know by my 31st birthday, what kind of life that will be.  Starting with a funeral.

~John