It sounds ridiculous... I'm here at work, popped onto facebook and saw a picture of Johnathan that just made me cry. I can't believe I sat here, crying on my keyboard. Thank god, no one has come into the store. It hurts so much... that I haven't really been able to look at any pictures of them. They're getting so big without me and it's not something I had ever imagined. I just miss them so much. I'm still trying to figure out where I went wrong. My biggest mistake was keeping up a habit that was further enforced and ok-ed by the person I loved. I told her a million times, I would quit... all she had to do was tell me. And out of all those years, while we discussed how I should one day quit... she never told or asked me to. Never flat out said anything about it.
I've lost so much. I feel empty being without my children and for the last month Alora hasn't said anything to me at all. It kills my soul, that every memory I have ever had with her, I have to somehow ignore right now. She's calling a new man daddy and seems to have just forgotten about me. 6 years and being her father... and for what?
I got court papers. I was expecting them eventually anyway. I didn't want to be the one to file, even though everyone kept telling me to beat her to the punch. I felt like it was giving her a proverbial black eye. I know it's for the kids and that's it. At least that's the frame of mind I am supposed to be in. But, I can't help but try to be as nice as I can about all of this. Accommodating and understanding. I've gotten mad before... hell yeah... and why not? Look what's happened? This person I trusted everything with has proven to me, how badly she just wants to fuck me over. Withhold the kids, tell lies, just to leave unscathed... to act like I was never there.
She's filing for SOLE custody and supervised visitation. Are you kidding me? Are you seriously kidding me? Why?! Why should you go on making every decision about our children, without me? Why should I have supervised visitation when both YOU and I know, that I've always taken 110% better care of the children than you ever have. Why do I now need to change who I am, to make sure you don't continue to walk all over me? Why do I need to do this, just to go with something that should be absolutely basic in their lives?
I'm not holding back. I'm coming at you with everything I've got, since you're just trying to erase me. You'll see a side of me, that I don't even want to see. I'm going to bring up every moment with you that made me question your integrity. The times you bought acid, smoked weed and your records of drug and alcohol abuse while you were pregnant with Alora. Ohh and remember that night we went camping while you were pregnant with my son smoking the weed next to the firepit?? You'll wish you didn't do this to me. Lets get this straight... this isn't about you... This is about the kids. MY kids. Separating them from a father who WANTS everything to do with them... and one day, they will find out the truth. They'll laugh at your lies and resent you. They'll be mad, that you ever tried to do this to their father. Even Alora.
I'm sure you're lawyer will document all of this and present it in court. In the same manner that grandmom did it to you when you were with me. Do you remember how much that hurt, to hear the words and thoughts you put down in a courtroom? I'm expecting it. Nothing less. But that's fine... I've got something you have no idea I've got copies of. I've got emails about how you would forge Birth Certificates with Will's name on them, if you could get away with it. And that was only after 5 months after you left me. Claiming how he's a better father than me, when he knows NOTHING about me. I told you, I will win. I will always be their father... and no matter how much you try to extinguish me, I'll come back fighting for them. I love them. Or do you not realize that. I love them more than I love myself. I have no soul without them. You sucked it all away, just like John Gilcrest used to claim... he was absolutely right. You'll never take them away from me.
You've got nothing on me. I am clean, hardly drink except for the one night you came back to the store... which, I'm a fucking adult. I'm not even close to being an alcoholic or anything of the sort. I'll have a new apartment soon, REAL soon. A car... I have a job... pay for their insurance... I'm a hell of a lot better off than you give me credit for. And I did it all without you, under the stress you've put me under and all without seeing my children. I'll show you what I'm made of, come April 23rd. You'll regret ever fucking with me like this. Breaking every promise you ever made to me. I will come out on top. Mark my goddamn words. I will always fight for them. They deserve better than you.
~John
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