I miss you so.

  I've spent more time lately, living with pain than being happy.  Remember, thousands of moments that I'd gladly give a bodypart to live over again.  Many things I seem to forget, but others I remember as if they happened yesterday.  It's difficult to stay motivated about anything, when I can't remember what I want to stay motivated for.  It's a slow process to take this all to court.  I know why.  It's me.

  It's not that I don't want to see the kids.  I miss them so horribly much, it causes me to cry some night after I get off the phone with them.  I haven't talked to Lori for a month and I cannot for anything figure why.  I miss her, but still have connection with the kids.  I know I could end all of this, by fighting...  but I can't.  People don't seem to understand how it is, to fight against someone I NEVER dreamed, I would have to.  I never thought I would be in the shoes I am in now.  That my children would be knowing Will as daddy or anything else that's going on in my life, that's slowly taking away any life I have left.

  I never imagined... even as all this was falling apart in my hands, that this is what I would be left with.  Anger would be my only motivation for all of this.  Love for my children is... don't get me wrong... but that's not who I'm up against.  It's the woman I made this family with.  And while there's still love... it won't in any way drive me to get this done.  It'll break me down.  It'll destroy my integrity, like it destroyed my dignity.  It's so very hard, to say to myself that I will go against you.

  How do I do it?

  Why do you make me do it?

~John