I wrote yesterday, I know. I just felt like I need to talk. About what, I don't know... or am unsure where to begin. I had another dream. I don't want to talk about this dream, because of the kind it was. I just know that when I woke up, I felt great. Until, I realized I wasn't in my dream anymore.
In a lot of ways, I'm not over her. I wish I was. It's stunted me, from wanting to get involved with anyone else. I'm not over what I had. Can I ever be? I had a family I loved very much. I would have done anything for. And this last year has been a painful awakening, to see it all taken away. So many promises were made and none of them kept. And now, I am fighting for the one thing I shouldn't have to be. My children. To see them. To spend time with them. For them to know their father, daddy, me. I never wanted a single second of something else... and I am regretful in having to be here and witness it, as it continues to destroy my life. And still with the pain and tears... I love the devil. I love everything I ever learned about her. Every moment I had. I'm not regretful of a single second I spent, even in times where she would hit and yell at me. I'm aching because, I'll never have that again. Not a percentage. Not at all.
And still, I am asking, what I did wrong to have all of this. To be on the complete short end of the stick, after years of things getting better. Things changing and becoming more than it ever was. When did the honesty stop? When did the love stop? It never stopped for me. Just hid sometimes behind frustration and pain.
Jeff called me last night. He's going through something with Kala. He's thinking about her every single second, over and over and over and over, until his brain melts. He loves her with all of his heart and I know, because I was there. The restlessness, the tossing, the turning, the not eating, the confusion, the tears. He's scared. He's scared to be where I am. To watch his children taken from his life and being replaced with another. He's terrified. He asked me... "John, how did you do it?"
At first, I told him I didn't know. I don't know how I got through 446 days without the person I loved. I don't know how I got through 445 nights, not being wrapped up in the arms of a person I adored. I don't know how I got here. 1 year, 2 months and 21 days... thinking about how I'll never be able to hold my children without the idea of supervision. Or make another decision in their lives. That while I can love with all my heart, hate the woman she has become.
I won't lie... some days, I didn't make it. I cried myself through those days. Some days, I prayed. Some days, I hardly got through. And days like today... I just can't get her out of my mind. No matter how hard I try. I remember everything that ever happened. Work Picnics, flying home on a Blackhawk to see her, to touch her or feel her naked skin on me. To believe I had found the one. The one I've shared my biggest adventures with, is gone. Rollercoaster parks, nightclubs, skinnydipping, NYC comedy clubs, sex museums, hospitals, our kids... everything. The nervous day I decided that I wanted to propose to her. The night I did, the rain that fell and the people who watched me do the craziest thing I have ever done... the memory of seeing that ring on her finger for years and remembering how I wish I had that chance to see her standing in a wedding dress, her hand in mine. I remember every lucky second I ever had with her. In a month, I have to face her. I have to sit in the same room while I listen to someone tell me, how I'm not a great father and don't deserve to be involved in the lives I've created. That I didn't do a fantastic job as a father, raising them. I didn't teach them their alphabet, numbers, adding, subtracting, how the world works, their manners, cooking, cleaning and everything in between. I'll have to hear about how I didn't bathe them, play with them or love them. I'll have to listen to someone instill every fear I've ever had with my family. And have the eyes of those trying to take them away from me, be the same person in my memories.
Was this the plan all along? Did these thoughts exist 446 days ago? And now I'm stuck. Stuck between what I want, who I am and why... why like this? Why does everyone else who remotely even close to this situation, have it easier than I do. Why was I forced upon everything, including the remote possibility that I could loose my oldest daughter? Every second I ever spent with Alora. Father's Day, 2006, Rose Garden along the Brandywine, Christmas's and Birthday's, I'm supposed to forget. I was there her first day of school. I watched her march as a fairy in a parade. I love her. I miss her. And no one cares but me.
This just isn't fair. This is killing my soul... and I'm so afraid that it's far from over. I want to beg and plea... but I'll never get an answer. I'll get coldness. I'm forgotten memories. I'm not her soulmate, while I still feel like she was mine.
The fact is, Jeff... some days I can't handle it. I'm going crazy... and I can't speak about it, because I'm not well... or need help... or am not stable, when honestly, I am just constantly brought right back to being heartbroken, destroyed and often reminded that the one I loved, never seemingly loved me enough. I loose all interest, motivation or even some of my mind. I'm being accused of things that are downright so blatantly messed up, that I feel like I am listening about someone else. Jeff, I cry. I cry more than any man should. I'm full of an eternal sadness that only they could complete. It's painful to see this before my eyes... and my friend, I pray within every ounce of my soul... that you will never have to see this.
I'm stuck. Stuck on what to do next. Stuck on them. Stuck on her. I miss her, back when I knew her.
~John
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