I'm writing in my journal much more lately than have been over the last year. There's just so much on my mind and sometimes this is the only way I can let it go. I can't tell friends anymore. I'm tired of their responses and getting into debates of what's happened since then. I'm tired of their disapproval. I pretend everything is alright... and honestly, besides dealing with this every day of my life... I am alright. I've come so far. I've surprised myself.
I remember the night well. It was a year and a half ago and I still remember that feeling. My heart racing 1000 miles a minute when you uttered to me, that you love him. That you fell in love with a man you had never met.
I woke up. It was 2 in the morning and I was sleeping with Johnathan in our bed. You weren't there and right away that scared me. In 5 years, I had never woken up that way. You were always there. I stepped into the girls room to find you sleeping on Kylie's bed. You will still dressed. I had noticed you haven't left your phone alone for the last few days and had a real bad feeling that something was going on. I picked it up, unlocked it and immediately open was the email back and forth from you to Will. He was flying in on Jan. 14th. He was excited to be able to meet you and you both replied with "I love you's".
I began to shake as I stood in the bathroom trying to make sense of things. I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't stop anything at all. I wanted to scream. We weren't broken up... we weren't seperated... we had talked about spending a few days apart, to gain some space... but had I known this is what you had in mind, I would have been against it.
I wiped my tears, walked into the bedroom and woke you. I didn't want to. I wanted to go back to bed and keep it to myself. But, I just had to know...
I wish today, that I just went back to bed. I woke you and asked to talk. "What the hell is going on?"
You followed me still half asleep. You wouldn't look at me in the eye. You sat in the hallway, along the left wall, knees to your chest and spilled the beans.
I cried. I couldn't stop crying... I felt so betrayed and lied to. I just couldn't believe it... My brain was telling me to run. If you could hurt me this way, all behind my back... why should I stay? Why should I leave my children? The children I raised, while you were at work making a relationship with someone 2000 miles away. The children, I played with, fed, bathed, clothed and took care of for months while you became more and more scarce and distant from not just them, but me too.
I woke them up and told them to pack. I hated telling them to do this. But no way, could I leave them with a mother who would do this to their father, lie to him, hold the truth... no way. I don't want them to think that that's right or even the kind of acceptable behavior between one human being to another. Especially to someone you're supposed to love. Things had gone so downhill, but never did I imagine this. I knew we'd make it out together... make our changes and be better off with a set of new challenges ahead of us.
You called your sister. I felt like I was being attacked, so I called my mom. You called Dave. We fought and argued, while the tears kept falling from my face. I couldn't think straight and often moved between rooms because I couldn't make up my mind on exactly what I was doing. I packed the kids things and prepared to leave. You called the cops. Wow...
After more arguing and issues, I continued to pack their things until the police arrived. I went downstairs and went outside. There were 8 of them. 6 men, 2 women. I stood outside with 5 of them, while the other 3 watched you and the kids. I told them the story and couldn't hold back a single tear. I cried, once even on a female police officers shoulder.
I was trapped in that house every day. Every day for months, fighting with contractors, fixing up our home myself and still managing to take care of the kids all day long until you returned home. I made you dinners and left them for you in the microwave... in the morning I made you coffee everyday. I made sure you had clean cloths and ironed shirts for work in the morning and sometimes, I stayed awake all night to paint the house. I was worn, constantly. But you didn't care. It was always about money.
The cops soon left. They told me that I could take the children and soon you agreed. My mother came, not long later... she was in a bitchy mood and that made it more difficult on me. I just wanted to leave. I couldn't be around you. Not after what you were doing to me. You fought with me over taking Alora. Telling me... "She's not your daughter!" But she is. She always has been. At least, until recently.
I went out to put the carseats in the car. As I walked back in, I could hear you screaming... "You're not taking my babies!" I had no fucking clue what had happened... you told me that my mother told you that you would never see them... and it doesn't matter what she would say. You were squeezing Johnathan tight and it looked like it was hurting him. I reached in to grab him and take him carefully, but you fought me. I talked calmly with you, reasoning that I would never allow that. And I never would. It's a shame I can't say the same for you. You are withholding them now... you don't want me in their lives.
My mother takes off in the car, leaving me stranded. I feel so alone. I feel so fucking alone. I have no one. You did this to me. You brought us to Baltimore. You risked our lives. I followed you and supported your every decision. I raised our children from a hotel. You failed us. I did everything you ever asked from me, with no fail.
I fall to the floor, pounding my fists on it. I just can't believe it. I cannot believe what you've done to me.
I get up and run... I run down the street, in which it's been snowing... I run till I can't breathe and fall to the ground. I walk slowly back to the house, when the cops show up again. The tell me I cannot go back inside and that I need to leave, without the kids. Because of your screaming and my mother fighting... the cops were called again. And I am blamed for dealing with a situation you created, every step of the way. I call my mother, whose ignoring me in the worst sense. Who do I call? I'm so alone. I'm alone in all of this, while you have your family supporting your decision to leave me. I don't care what my family would tell me, because I knew I loved you... and often fought with them because of it.
Finally my mom returns and causes issues with the cops. I say my goodbye to the kids, while police officers watch my every move. I leave crying. And almost every day since then, I've been crying. Crying as little by little, I have everything taken from my life... while I watch you walk away unscathed. It was nothing for you to leave me... you made it seem so easy. Didn't phase you one bit, what you've done to me. That hurts worse than you saying you don't love me anymore... because you're openly proving it to me.
Since that night... I've heard everything. I've heard you tell me that we would still have sex, we'd be civil, you'd work with me and help me... all a load of bullshit, when Will put his 2 cents in. I've heard you promise me things that never came true, including your biggest promise. "John, you're not losing your family." "John... I would never withhold the kids from you".
You haven't been the woman I loved since that night. It's been a frantic foolish act trying to get that person back. It's hurtful to even look into your eyes anymore and see coldness and ignorance. How can someone so intelligent, be so foolish with someone elses heart and still remain heartless.
I plead with you. I begged. I did what someone in love with someone else, does. You did nothing. You scoffed at me, laughing because you could just open your legs to someone else and instantly replace me in every sense. Women have that power, well, most. And everything I have ever been through with you, has been a waste.
I regret few things in my life. You and I both know what they are. It's not that different from you. We were the same 95% of the time. Our tempers, our way of thinking... but I would never have done this. I never would have put you through, everything that you've put me through. I never would have believed this, years prior. If someone would have told me this, the night before I asked you to marry me... I would have just left. I wouldn't have said goodbye... I would have left immediately and you never would have heard of me again. I would have spared my children from seeing their father, from the look on his face for the last year. I would have saved them from being manipulated and lied to. Convinced that this new man is not whom mommy says he is. But you're good at that.
I can't believe it. Even still, I feel like I need to pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming... and I really wish I was. I wish this was all a dream and I would wake up right now, with your arms wrapped around me. But, I won't wake up. This is it... the last year of my life... all stuck in these words. The frustration, the pain, the heartache... I just want it to stop. There's no release. There's no bouncing back. There's the small strides I've taken to keep myself stable... but still I spend some part of my day in tears. Asking the same question. Why?
God... why?
~John
No comments:
Post a Comment