I can't believe what I've had to do to get through the last devastating year of my life. How I've had to rebuild my confidence, work my ass off, change and start my life back over. The rollercoaster I've had to ride and trust me... I never want to ride it again. I've changed much, but I'm not certain it's all for the best. I loved me. Well, the personality I had. I've had to change, to deal with this life. I don't have the humor I did. I don't have the optimism... I don't have a motivation, while my children little by little forgeting the man that loved them before they were even here. I used to rub her belly, awaiting the day to hold them. Now, I'm counting the days before I can see them again. And every day more, I feel further from them. I miss them so much. Alora still isn't speaking to me... and there's been a handful of times it's brought me to tears. I feel pathetic sometimes, because I cannot gather my emotions when I am faced with the fact that everything was absolutely taken from me. I've been crushed under the thumb of my former best-friend/soulmate (of which I truly believe I am the only one who ever believed her and I were fate). I've been through hell... and still going through it. What I would give just to hug her. To tell her I am sorry that I wasn't good enough. I tried 1,000 times and it should have been 1,001.
I've seen others go through something similar... unfortunately, no one has yet to compare to the degree of me. Forced to see and deal with the things I have. To watch her belly grow with a new child. The first time I noticed a new ring on her finger. It happened so fast. Too fast for me. She left me for someone else. Left me in tears and sorrys. She took, knowing what was important to me. It didn't matter a single bit to her. She hates me. She's hated me since the first day... and I knew it even then. When my words didn't matter. I see others go through it. It reminds me of the phases, I went through. How many nights I cried, laid restless thinking thoughts until I would cry myself to sleep. How many meals I skipped knowing, I wouldn't be staring at the face I had fallen in love with all those years. Does she know? Will she ever know? No. And with my friends going through their own... they will learn the painful truth as I have. It's a lie. It's a facade. It's a joke that plays on for years. I'm not her one and only... I never was. She gave up on me, easier than anyone could have. She kept secrets. She lied. Betrayed by the person I never had any reason to suspect would lie to me. And here I am now, fighting for the one thing I should never have to fight over.
She's got our pictures. She's still got my things. She's still got me, lingering in a fashion or another... but not physically. I've got them. It's all I have. It's what makes me a father. That want and need to spend everyday in my childrens lives. For them to count on me. She's begun taking that away and in no way, have let up. She's taken Lori from me. All those years... wiped away, like I'm a stain on the counter. What lies will she tell them? She obviously won't be honest about how this all happened. She hasn't been yet... She'll blame me. It's her only justification for all of this. I'm not perfect. But, it's bullshit. It's complete bullshit of this picture she's painted of me. It's not me. It never was. I was in every bit of a way, flawed as she was. But, I would have never done this. I never would have dreamed of this. I would have never hurt her, in the way she's hurt me. The kids will only grow up knowing lies, as she had heard about her mother. Lies she was almost made to believe, until she read court documents for herself. And then, she realized the kind of man her father really was.
But one day... when the cloud of bullshit clears. They will find out the truth. They can weigh both sides. They will talk to aunts and uncles to hear a completely different tale, than the web she's been spinning. It may be too late. They may grow up to be like her and that scares me. So reckless... even with other peoples hearts. That's not something I want them to do or be like. I want them to be honest and careful with others emotions. Understanding, loving and everything in the middle. Things their father is, has always been and always will be.
I see my friends go through the emotions. I can hear it in their voice. They are me. They are screaming for chances to keep their family. They are afraid of what's to come... and they should be. The lengths a person will go to, to prove they no longer love you anymore. That you're as easily replaced as a paper towel roll. They are crying, not sleeping, dreaming only of the one they care about. They aren't the best people in the world... but no one is perfect and everyone deserves a chance to change. To prove something to the world and not cower. I haven't cowered... I gave up my dignity and tried to fight for her. And forever... it'll haunt me, just as it does to them now.
I pray for them. I don't really ever pray. But, I pray for them now. I pray that they do fix it and work it out and get back together. I pray that they don't have to go through 2 minutes of my life. I've been on suicide watch for a few days now. No one has to tell me... no one is asking... I have been there. I have thought about those thoughts... and got through it alone. I want them to get through this too. I'll continue to pray. They will need all the help they can get, going through some of the emotions I, myself was faced with. I will talk to them and keep them on a good moral path, to doing the right thing as I have been trying to do since day one. I pray their life flips around in a way, that mine didn't. I pray that... the person they love so much, loves them too... and takes the steps to prove it.
~John
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