I have never been away from the kids this long. It's a 1/3 of a year... and I haven't seen a single picture of them. Something that I would hope would come nature for a mother to send a father. I sent her pictures everytime, everyday they spent with me. Videos and pictures sometimes.
Over the last 2 weeks, things have gotten shadier than I would have anticipated. Another assuming attempt to slowly erase me. I'm sure she's thrown away the pictures, denied memories and anything else that remotely ties the children back to me. Phone calls have become dramatically sparse, as I've called everyday in the last 2 weeks and maybe had the kids on the phone 3 times in 14 days. Alora still isn't speaking to me as I have been told that she won't be coming to visit me any longer, even when Johnathan and Kylie do come. It's discouraging to hear... very. The thought alone makes me sob, remembering every moment I spent with Alora. Everything I have ever done with her, I've been her daddy... her father. The man she saw since she was 2 months old. I've been involved in every aspect of her life. Down to the most recent with her schooling.
It's amazing what I gave to Kendall. I gave her a man, who loved her completely... flaws and all. Someone who loved a child that didn't come from me. I treated and loved her no different for the last 6 years of my life. Kendall and I would be celebrating our 6th year, this week. I miss her... but I've grown to get used to that. I cannot get used to missing the kids like this. It's affected me in so many ways, it's difficult to even mention how. It broke my relationship with Beth. It's affected my work, as Paul has noted plenty of times. It's hindered my motivation. I've gained more weight, which in no way am I happy with. I'm lost without my kids. I need the 3 of them in my life, as they always were. I need them to know who their father is... and that I did nothing wrong for them to disappear from my life. I gave Kendall everything I had. I loved her to a degree, I've never loved anyone... and it still sadly shows today.
I'm so angry. I'm so frustrated... that I trusted her. Even something as simple as doing the right thing... has been something she's proven to me, she can't do. She's taught the kids that Will is their daddy, instead of the daddy who wants to spend every day with them. She's told them lies... which is apparent if Alora is still 2 months later, refusing to speak to me. She's broken promises and welched on the contract that she made me sign and agree to at the beginning of last year. She's given another man the promise she's made to me since the beginning... Making Alora, legally my daughter. She's taken all she can away from me. She's tarnished my name with lies and now is trying to take what's left of me, in court.
This isn't the woman I knew. This isn't even close to the wonderful, intelligent, adventurous woman I loved. I don't know why or when she changed to become this... but I know, I very much hate who she's become. I don't hate her. I hate what is has/is doing to me.
It's been 4 months... And it's been hell. I can't wait to hug them... but know that they're going to give me the same look I got from Alora once... "Who is this man?" My children are going to look at me like a stranger. *sigh*
Why... on God's earth... did you do this to me? How could someone as special and important in my life, end up being so cruel in such a short time period... all in the meanwhile of justifying all of it, with lies and bullshit. Did you ever love me? You tell me when that was... and I'll make a time machine and go back to that time period, because I can't ever believe you did. I can't ever believe this is where you would have put me in my life, as I struggle to fight against you in something some simple. No longer is it about you and me. Now, it's about them and me... and you're denying me that in every way possible.
You've destroyed my life. Yet, I'm to blame. I didn't love you enough. I didn't show you enough. I never did anything, that was good enough for you... when you know, all you had to do was to talk to me. To give me an opportunity to change and make a difference. You've destroyed my soul. One that was happily reserved for you. You were my soul mate. I was your burden. One of us has been lying throughout the years... but it hasn't been me. And you've grown quite good at it.
4 months... and still 1 more to go, before I am forced to face you and watch you in plain sight, continue to lie and force me from my own family and life.
Karma will come back. It always does... and while I know I won't have anything to do with it... But, I pray I am around to watch you go through, what you're putting me through.
~John
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