It's been a while now since I woke up... but I had a dream that I can't really get out of my mind. And if I don't write it down, I'll never understand it later.
In my dream, it takes place close to now and it was very vivid. It was long, but details stick out clear.
I walk into some large large party. It's outside in a big hilly field. I stream my body through a crowd of people I know, but no longer consider me family. I get sneers and stares, but no one stops me. I step in front of you. Will isn't there. The kids aren't there. Despite a thousand people, it still feels like I am alone in a room with you. I can't help but cry, though I'm choking back. I don't come close and I can't look you into the eye. I tell you how much all of this is killing me inside. Being away from the kids mostly. I lost you. You're gone and never coming back. I can't decide if it's your fault or mine. Probably both. I skip past us... and get right to the kids. I miss them and my heart is beating a million miles a minute, hoping they will pop out from behind some tree or them in the house... either way, I am waiting impatiently for just a glimpse. To see how big they've grown. Anything.
I get to the point. I cut to the chase and tell you that, the only thing I want is to be a father to my children. That's the only thing I want. It's always been the only thing. I mean, I wanted to be your husband. But that decision takes 2 of us. This just takes me. I wanted nothing less than to be a daddy my whole life... Since I was 17, I knew I wanted to be a father. And I wanted my wife to give that to me. I asked you to marry me, because I wanted you to give me children one day. I have them now and I can't see them. I can only take every uncomfortable step after the next to get to them. Mainly, fighting against you, the woman who I watched, give them to me. I'm crying, but still trying not to. You just stand there, arms crossed... I know I'm the last person you want to see, but I still can't get it through my thick head, why. Why, do you shun me so? Why am I the bain of your life, when I can't really think of any reason why or how I could be. I remember a time before Baltimore and it never seemed like I would have to stop loving you. I believed we would have been forever. Why shouldn't I have? We argued... but sometimes, that was just us. It didn't change how I felt. Never. At the end of every night, I told you I loved you. And I did. I'm trying to convince you of something you're ears are closed to. You get closer, for reasons I have no clue about. I just know it makes me feel uncomfortable. You touch my arm and I just break down. I can't breathe, I can't think... I feel like I am going to collapse. You say something, but its not loud enough. You say a little louder that you can't breathe and you pass out. I catch you, ignoring how I currently feel.
I run through a field, through a crowd of people and a house. It's not one I've ever seen before. I lay you down in a bed, when someone tells me that a doctor is on the way. I don't know what to do, so I leave a picture I keep in my wallet. A picture of Alora. Her spring pictures, that I've kept in here for years. I leave.
I woke up. And for some reason, I have no been able to get it out of my mind. Why? Is there a message in all of this? I just don't know. It's so clear, it feels like it happened. I thought I should write it down, in case life takes a twist. I'm not sure what form it'll come in. It could be, because I am unable to get her out of my mind, all starting with a picture I unpacked a few days ago... it was at the Believe It or Not museum in NYC. We were happy that day. Extraordinarily happy. It'll be 2 years ago, in a month. Been going through storage lately, going to clear it out. Then the other night, I caught the end of "Ever After"... reciting in my head, Kendall telling me the first time she saw that movie. It was with her mom. Who she claims, would have loved me as a son. I almost wish I didn't see them. Just reminds me of the person I was madly in love with... and now this new person I almost know nothing about. It's a facade I'm sure, with lying and untruths. Whatever it takes to show everyone the kind of man I never was. Emotional, sure... a pothead, definitely... abusive, never. Forcefully sexual... farthest thing from the truth. Too submission in my view. But it's who she is now. Maybe I was lied to, the same way. But this magical person I had come to know, was really playing tricks on me until the next audience member came around.
I miss the kids. I think about them constantly, almost 1,000 times a day. It's so hard to be without them. I call every night, despite the possibility of listening to her voicemail in which she hyphenates her name with Will's. It's kind of funny, considering she was willing to take my last name completely... and hasn't done so with his. But, it still hurts, because after her name, I always hoped to hear mine. It's gotten to the point where, I hang up before then. I know the kids will call back. I've considered seeing a therapist. Some people think I should. Others, don't think I need one. Maybe a therapist would find something wrong with me to explain, why my life turned this way. Why I still think about her all the time... or what I can do to minimize this pain.
I've changed much over this year... in some ways, I can't believe that I have. I've grown a hell of a beard. It's as big as the one from Christmas 2 years ago. I've gained some weight. 35lbs. Probably due to quitting pot last year. I want to lose it. I'm sure it's depression weight. I signed up for a gym, but haven't had the time to go, with all the new court things, my trip coming up and other things that have kept me so busy. Visiting storage, looking for a house. (I found a 3 bedroom, for 600!) (not buying, renting) And a car, which I am scheduled to buy in the first 2 weeks of April from Travis. I wish the depression worked the same way, when she first left. I couldn't eat anything. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't do anything. I lost 20lbs when Kendall left. And gained 55 since. Some say that I have grown into a comfortable weight, but I don't think so. I've been dating a lot, but have been shallow, non-invested and distant. Wren was a great girl... and I slowly made myself drift away. Beth is gone. Has been for months. Now I am talking to Erica, who is very beautiful and my kind of woman... but still, I find it difficult to fall into or trust. I'm on eggshells, with all women I meet. I'm just scared I guess. Scared to get involved and for them to just walk out as easily as Kendall.
I want to do school this year, but can I get my head straight enough to start that?
*sigh* Well, I went through what was on my mind. That dream was weird and too clear. I hate remembering details. I don't know when I'll read this again to decipher it, but maybe one day I'll understand. I stopped reading my posts a few months ago. It keeps the tears out of my eyes. I've had to do that with a lot of things. Just stay away, so I don't cry or tip over.
I often wonder... the day we both depart from this world. Would you seek me out in the afterlife? Was I really your soulmate...? It'll be a long long time from now, hopefully when we are old and gray.
~John
No comments:
Post a Comment