... Today, I spent my day off work. Not usual for a Sunday. Normally, I am there every Sunday. I took off today to goto a funeral for my aunt Ronnie. Someone very close to me. Family that's very close to me. I saw cousins that I haven't seen in years and recalled memories. I had wished the kids were there with me. I had also wished Kendall was too. A time like that, I could have used her holding my hand, smiling her life into me.
Drama ensued, as expected... but not in the way I had pictured. Uncle Steve did some drinking. Not much at first. I understand why... but also am mature enough to know that there's another time and another place for it. Not there... not today. After leaving abruptly after a confrontation with Shane (Ronnie's oldest) he left. To where... no one knew. Coming close to the end of the day, I got a phone call. It was Mark McIntire for Cabinets To Go. He's a co-owner I guess? He was assessing our location when today, literally today... he got the call. Close our location. Effective immediately.
I was being let go, along with Paul. Happily with a severance pay... but nevertheless... WTF.
And to call at that point in time. At a funeral. On top of April 1st. April Fools Day. Are you kidding me?!
What about my kids insurance? What about the security of my job... which while I stuck my neck out for them, I feel I'm owed a little in return. *sigh*
Steve returned. Drunker. I took the keys, got him into the car and drove the hour drive home. He complained, he whined... he almost had me to the point, where I would have pulled over and kicked his ass. I was in no way nice to him. To me, this was a slap in the face to her children, who had to witness this. He wanted me to get him more. It never would have happened.
I talked to the kids today. While it was before anything could go wrong... it still lifted my day. Kylie acted as if she didn't want to get off the phone with me. She talked to Kendall about coming to visit me soon, which shocked me and made me feel good, because it was all on her. I said nothing about it and she outright came out with it. She misses me. I know she does... I wonder if Lori does. I miss her. I miss them all so much. All I could do today, was walk around showing off my kids pictures and videos. They were all saddened to hear about why they weren't beside me or their mother for that matter. I confessed honestly, that despite everything... I still wanted to be with her, but quickly got off the subject when I realized that I was thinking about it more than I should.
I have court coming up this month and am in no way prepared. Looking for an attourney has proven to suck ass. I can't believe it. I've looked in Delaware and haven't found really any able to work in NJ. I called the courthouse in NJ, only to be told the waiting list is in May. Which is too late. And once I get there, what am I to do? Fight her with crossfire of her wrong-doings over the years...? I really don't want to do that. I don't. I really really don't. Can I make that clearer? But, apparently, I have to. I have to, to have any real shot with my children. To have a part in their lives, instead of looking like a fuck-up. And don't get me wrong... I am not perfect... I am an excellent father and was a pretty good husband, when we weren't arguing. I always thought of them... I always thought of her. Even in the last moments, I truly remember with her... I laid by her side, checking her temperature throughout the night. She was seemingly deathly sick, from something she had gotten from the kids. I had it, but only I could take care of me in Baltimore. I took care of her for 2 straight days, with soup and teas. Checking temperatures and taking care of babies... and even at her worst, I loved her.
I don't want to lose my kids. I DON'T want to lose MY KIDS. I don't want to fight this is court. I don't want to be replaced as a father... I don't want to be replaced as a daddy... I DON'T want to be replaced as love. But it's all happened. Will this happen too? I'm scared. And now, with the lingering sense of no job... I'm more afraid.
Why must my life have so many twists and turns? Why can it not stay constant? Why can't I spend 5 minutes, holding your hand and looking into your eyes and knowing you love me with everything in your soul.
So much is unanswered. Some, I'll never get answers to. But, I know I don't want to change. And I don't want the world to change me. I've become a strong strong man, even before my life fell apart. I've help pull friends through the tragedy that I myself, feared to face.
I need to get off this. Off this rant... but I need to say one thing.
It'll stick with me, the rest of my life. I would have done anything for you. I did do anything. And I'd do it again, just to be next to you. You were my everything. You gave me what was most important in my life, as I stood there holding your hand. How can this be so easy for you and so hard for me?
~John
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