Too much sometimes...

  Nothing has been constant in my life for a while now.  It's been such a mess...  And I'm getting exhausted.  I still play back the entire situation, over and over in my mind.  I try to block it out, because of the mood it puts me into.  Sometimes, I still want to cry... sometimes I just want to be left alone.  I've stopped reaching to friends.  It's not gone.  I swallow hard and just tell myself to get through another day.

  I spent 6 years.  6 years, by your side every day.  And, waking up to another day not by your side is depressing.  I play back every moment together and regret little.  Baltimore wasn't easy on us, but never did I question you're love for me.  Especially not after NYC.  I felt closer to you.  We weren't relying on anyone... it was just us.  I never thought or knew you weren't in love with me anymore...  and I definitely had no idea about Will.

  I read the letter that night and just shook.  I couldn't handle it, finding out that you were loving someone else and I had no idea about it.  How could you not know, I loved you?  I was by your side, every step of the way. 

  It shocked me so painfully, I haven't snapped out of it.  I still wish you were with me.  I still miss you with every ounce of my soul.  I don't know if I could ever be with you again... but, I would have given anything to not have this happen and to still be by your side.  Pregnant... Married...  Were you over me that quickly?  Did I mean that little to you...  or did you honestly believe that you meant that little to me?

  So many questions.  So many things I wish I could say.  How, could you hurt me this way?  How can you hurt someone who loved you with every breathe...?

  I miss the kids.  I miss them so much, I get sick thinking about them.  How I can't hug them or be their "daddy".  I can't see my daughter on her first day of school... and unless I plan something special, I probably won't be there for my sons 3rd Birthday.  HOW?  How am I the one losing, when I've been morally right, this whole time.  I've reacted.  You left.  I reacted.  You took the kids.  I reacted.  You kept the kids from me.  I reacted.  You moved away.  I reacted.  You made all the decisions that went against every promise you made to me.  You've lied to people about me.  You've lied to yourself.  You turned me into someone else, just so you could hate me.  I never laid my hands on you in any manner that was abusive.  I loved you... why the hell would I do that?  Even after the times, you've stepped over the line.  When you would physically hurt me?  Punched me dead in the face and I did little.  I still remember that day.  You punched me.  I walked out.  By midnight that night, you were calling, crying and apologizing.  I loved you and almost instantly forgave you.  Sometimes, that was us.  We're both too much alike.  But, I would have never done this to you.  I always imagined you in my life, getting old with me.  You were my fate.

  Now, you're the only reason I cry.  You're the only reason, I feel empty, insecure, tired and worthless.  You're the reason, I have such heartache and pain.  You're the reason I have 200 memories, I wish I didn't have.  You're the reason I hold in, not saying "I love you" anymore, when I do.  You're the reason the kids are far away from their father...  missing him horribly.  Or can you not see that?

  I still... just don't know what to do.  It's so hard to see you.  To see pictures of you.  I opened a video game case and found a photo from "Believe It or Not".  We're both sitting on beams with hardhats and kissing.  I just fell to pieces.  I couldn't keep it together and cried for 1/2 an hour.  It wasn't even that long before you left me.  7 months and you were gone.  How?...  How??

  I never ask God for anything...  sometimes, I could completely careless about him as I assume he does to me.  But, if there's anything I would ask him...  it's that I can stop feeling this way.  To stop crying and wishing for something, that'll never happen, never come true.  To let go of this feeling that only I have ever had, since the first day I met you.  Since you gave birth to my daughter, as I watched her grow in your belly.  Since you gave birth to my son... and again, I watched him grow and was filled with so much joy.  I have the videos of them.  I have the pictures.  I have the clothes.  I have their life or what it once was.  I was a great father...  I know I was.

~John