Normally, I know the title of what I want to talk about, before I talk about it. I put it up first, almost always... but tonight, I am stumped on a title.
I didn't really think I would be typing at this time in the morning. I should be in bed. I'm tired enough to be in bed, so why can't I sleep... Well... the answer is why I am writing in my journal at 4 something in the morning.
You.
After a year and half of a living hell... I still playback everything you've said. Before... and after all of this. I think about everything before it was over. When you were all I knew in my world. Our family. I think about all the things you ever told me. Soulmates. Getting old together. I can honestly say, that there was never a second or time... when I questioned, if I wanted to be with you. I knew it from the moment I met you, that you were something special. Something I needed in my life. I play back the births of our children, when I held your hand as your brought them into my world. I cry, when I think about it... because with those moments in my life, I never imagined that you'd be gone today.
I must have been horrible. I must have made you disappointed in me. I must have been the scum of the earth, for you to fall out of love with me. For you to hold that knowledge from me, until you filled your heart with someone elses love. I must have been a disgusting human being, for you to deny me, time with our children. To keep Alora from me, any means necessary. You must have hated me, wanting to cut me out of my own life. Wanting to change their birth certificates, so Will was their father. Encouraging them to call him "daddy". You must have dispised me, flaunting Will in my face while I brokedown. "He knows Russian" "I gave him anal." You must have wanted to hurt me, if you broke every promise you ever made to me. If you took me, out of our family. Cast me away and claim, I'm unfit as a father.
When did you love me? When was the last time you needed me to tell you, I love you... or can you remember? Do you sleep sound at night, knowing? Do you think of me at all... or am I Mike?
God Kendall... I never saw it coming. I knew it was hard on us. I knew life, had this way of constantly kicking us in the teeth. But never, did I equate that it would be connected to how you felt about me. I stuck through it with you, dealing with the hard too and I never felt any different. I never needed someone else. I needed you. It's the only thing I thought I would ever need... and sometimes, despite everything to this point... I still feel that way. How am I going to make it the rest of my life, without the person I love with all my heart. The only person I've ever asked to marry me, had children with and considered closer family than a single family member of my own. I still know you, better than you know yourself. Sometimes, I wish I didn't... and other times, I'm glad I do. It reminds me, how much I loved you... to want to know every little thing about you. To know how intelligent and persistent you are.
I never knew, you weren't in love with me. I didn't know, until you told me in the bathroom... 3 days before you left me. 3 days, before I woke up at 2 in the morning with you no longer in bed and a message on your phone to a guy, you'd never met... 9 days after you sent him videos of yourself, that you sent to him from my parents house... while I slept in bed with our children. You hid it from me, knowing what laid in store. A letter, where he would secretly come and meet you, by plane. He loved you... and you loved him. And I was just there, to watch it all fall apart.
Every moment I ever spent with you. Every thought and memory. Every word you've said, throughout all the years... feels like it was for nothing. I said it before... It's felt like you died, when you left me. But you're not dead. Making it so much harder than grieving over a loved one would provide. You've removed yourself from every aspect of my life. And I've been forced to watch you move on, instantly... with someone new. Replacing me. Getting pregnant. Get married. Take the kids slowly from me. Have your new baby. To talk to me through a lawyer. It has been... the most impossible thing in my life to deal with. Something, not even others have gone through before... so I have no one to talk to or relate. Most people can't even believe it. I can't.
I knew you better than anyone... and even while I know the bad... I never considered it that. I loved you. I took the bad. I accepted it, just as I did the day I met you. That's what you do, when you love someone. You accept it. I saw all the great in you, as I wish you had done for me. I saw your intelligence. I adored you because of it. I saw your love for me, which didn't really seem to go away like you said. Christmas as Nana's was the first time you pushed me away, ever... and even then... there was still a night when all of us, sat in the living room and I held you for a while. I never stopped loving you. I don't know if I ever will... and I don't think that replacing it with hate, would change it.
I don't know if I ever want anyone else again. I gave you all I had. Every ounce of me. I never held back. I've tried... but, I just don't think I can do it again. I'm so lonely... and still so crushed. I don't want to propose to anyone else. I built up so much to do it to you. I still remember it so clearly. Was Will as surprising and special with his proposal? Did he ask your dad's permission?
It's rhetorical. It doesn't matter. I just sometimes wonder... did I ever do anything right? Do you ever think about me? Is there any ounce of you, that still loves me? Tell me that NYC, was as amazing to you... as it was for me. Tell me something... anything. Please. Please, just stop my crying. Hurt me more, if you have to... just so I don't feel this way. This completely lost feeling. I am completely lost without you. I miss you so much. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to cry and think and ... anything. It's just so fucking hard.
I sound so pathetic. The tears build up, roll down my cheek and I think of everything I wish I could ask you, in front of me. I wish I could put my hands on your shoulders, pull you in tight for a hug and kiss you with the passion that's been burning away in my heart. I wish I could show you, how wrong you are... for believing and telling me, that I didn't love you enough or at all. I wish you had given me a second chance to prove how different I could have made our lives, rather than giving up on me... the one and only time.
I wish I had a picture of you, where I don't breakdown in tears and sob for hours over. I wish I could tuck my children into bed, stand beside you and sing goodnight songs. I want to hear the "Dark Song". I want to hold your hand. I want you back, so badly... that I'd amputate my legs, if I knew it would happen, knowing I would never walk again. I would gouge out my eyes and be blind, if it meant I could reach my hands up to your face and feel your lips love me. I wish... I wish, I wish, I wish... I had 1 more hour with you. I'd give my entire world for it. I've given so many tears... I wish they amounted to something. But you'll never read this with the pair of eyes you once had. You'll cast off with disbelief and maintain your ground. I never loved you... right? And that's why you never loved me. That's gotta be the answer. Right?
I don't know if I'll ever get the answers. I don't know how much more of this, I can take. Waiting... for you.
So until then, I'll keep writing... and crying.
~John
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