Want to be done.

  Nothing hurts, like watching the one you love... love another.  Throughout this year, I've seen my fair share of it.  It can be a torture... if you can't change your way of thinking.  If you can't put to the side, forget all the memories, forget the lives, forget the steps through life... it can eat away at your soul.  It can eat you from the inside out.  And depending on when it consumes you, depends on your inner strength.

  I've done okay.  Sometimes, I worry if I am able to make it through.  And then I remember, that I made it this far.  That there have been other women, who've done something similar in my life.  Those that have lied and eventually put me into the positions I was once in.

  Does Katrina know how tough it was for me to let go of her?  Does she know that I still harbor small feelings of remembrance?  And then I remember, how things were so very different with Kendall.  That for a long time, despite all that we had gone through... I still didn't think, the end was near.  I had honestly believed that the situation we were in, would only make us stronger together.  That we'd stick together and fight.  It was a shock to me... as most of the bullshit is that happens in my life.

  I still miss Kendall.  So many years together can make it difficult to forget.  It could have been more...  it should have, if I had done a part better.  If I had more communication and guidance as to what it was that she expected.  I still miss little things... and things everywhere remind me of her.  Walt has a bottle of her shampoo in the bathroom.  Sometimes, when I am feeling down and confused... I open it, take a breathe of it.  It reminds me of her so much, that sometimes I cry afterwards.

  But... in the end.  I am doing what I can to forget.  She's doing the same, right?  Packing away my pictures, momentos and forgetting that at one point, she loved me more than I could comprehend.

  I wish it were different.  I wish I didn't have to see her in my children.  I wish I didn't have to see her, or hear her, or even relate in any form or fashion with her.  I want to be done with the love.  I want to forget it and focus.  Get my mind set back on the proper path, whatever that is.