My mind has been filled with a lot of social crap lately. An election is right around the corner... And while, I know I should... I won't vote. But, that doesn't matter now.
I miss the kids. And dealing with presidential elections, everyday life and even having to hear Kendall's voice, is all motivated for that one reason. If it wasn't because of them, I wouldn't be here. I've come close to losing my mind, after losing my life. I haven't had a stable ground, though I've tried... but I fall off. I cry for days and what feels like, I have to start over... by telling myself, it's all true. I have to come to terms daily, where they are... and why they're not with me. I don't particularly blame anyone. While there are plenty of things, I can blame before... it's pointless. It's the things after it was over, that have blown me away. That made me believe the very thing I've asked her... "Why do you hate me?" When it ended, I asked this to her, over and over... in hopes of some realistic answer as to why my family was being torn. Let-a-lone through some online affair. But seeing the reactions of her... her disconnection to me, taking my time from the kids and eventually my involvement altogether. I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't even be breathing. I've drowned in the misery... and I simply, just shouldn't be here.
I've thought about it every morning when I woke up... everytime I've eaten dinner... every night before bed. The things I would do with my kids on a typical basis... gone. No more bedtime stories or tucking a child into bed. No more, goodnight daddy.
You can literally cry your soul out.
A question that will never leave my mind. Why did I think you loved me, as much as I did to you?
I miss the kids. Just, so much waiting I have to do. So much, trying to do the right thing. Except pot... you got me there... that thing, you've supported since you met me. That conversation you never brought up, about wanting me to quit. Yeah... I was such a horrible man. Completely involved in your family, as my family. Your brothers, as mine. My life... the people I loved, taken from me. All because of Will... and New Years, the videos, didn't want a 3some, I don't love you... I love Will.
I used to pray... I used to wish... I used to believe, that if I wanted something bad enough, I would get it. I believed there was a woman out there, that would make my life so fantastic. And then I met you. Life grew so complicated. So troublesome... and you were always there beside me. You loved me. And I felt so comfortable... I found you. I thought you were fate... that through my series of events in my life, I was supposed to meet you on purpose.
I just never imagined, that I'd have to let go. To feel these feelings, that are so hard to describe... it's still so unbearable. I honestly, wish I had a scream room like I thought about years ago. A room where you can go and scream and feel better. I would definitely cry, scream and then take a nap. I've got to get through this.
I've been making big strides. I submitted my application to school and start in the Spring. I've been working a little part-time thing. It's tough work and not for much, but finding another job has been damn near impossible. I've been saving for a plane ride. So far, I'm at 46.98 and that's only after a few weeks. I might have the money to fly out to the kids, though I have also been considering a Christmas in July. I don't really know... just trying to prepare myself a little.
I asked a woman out on a date. It's been almost 11 months since I have been with any woman. Beth was the last and only 2, since Kendall. I would count Trish, but honestly, I don't remember much from that night. I'm afraid to even consider another relationship. I honestly don't really feel, I need another woman, after investing everything into Kendall. And now, I'm just a man with baggage.
Her name is Jess. I've known her for a long long time. She's got a great, open and exciting personality and she's sorta dealing with the same situation from her ex. He got another woman pregnant and doesn't really want anything to do with his son. Which, personally... I just can't understand. Literally, if Kendall called me right now and said "Cut off your leg and you can have the kids... " They would be in the mail the next day. I'd probably send both... just in case one gets lost in the process.
The truth is. I'm trying to make so many changes in my life. Motivation is tough, when you don't feel like there's much to shoot for. I still think about you. I still think about the 1000 things that would amaze me. The 1000 memories I was lucky enough to have with you. I think about everything I've gained in my life, because of you. I truly believed myself to be extraordinarily lucky and special to have had you... but, I can never go back. I've cried more than I could imagine someone crying. I begged you. I've dealt with all the blows you've given me and still strive for the same thing. To be a father... maybe not the best, but better than most. I didn't and don't deserve all that is the way it is. I got fucked over, by the one person who shouldn't have. And there's nothing I am going to do about it, than to love my kids and to do the best I can to be me.
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