... that I don't look at many pictures or videos of the kids. Besides talking to them on the Skype... I can't. Whenever I do, I only end up crying. My thoughts never leave them, as I've never forgotten that I'm a father. And regardless of how far away they are... they know, I will wish they were by my side.
I've questioned a lot lately. A lot about you. Sure... the why's don't stop... but moreso, who you are and who you used to be. I've noticed a few things that have made me feel completely uncomfortable. As if, my wishes with the kids are completely disregarded.
When we got together... the choices that we made to raise our children were set in stone. Their religious beliefs were to be as open, as you and I. You believed in your Cards, Natural Magic and some Pagen beliefs. I was raised basically agnostic, though I have been told otherwise. Little to no church in my life... even still, I remain moral in many senses, without the need to involve a church or bullshit idea onto myself or those I care about. I consider myself to be nothing less than an upstanding person. Trustworthy, kind, generous, caring and only ask the same in return.
It didn't dawn on me, that Johnathan recently was holding a bracelet... with crosses all on it. More than likely given to him by his Step-Grand Parents. And then it stuck with me more... that Kendall had talked to me before about religion on the kids. Even telling me to take them to church. Which just baffled me. It went against everything we've come to know for the last 6 years... and just that quickly, you've changed.
Will's parents didn't like you. Look at the mess you left behind. Look at how you cut out our childrens father. You weren't thinking of the children... you weren't thinking about their father. You were thinking about yourself and that asshole you married. I call him an asshole, because any man chasing after a woman who has a family and life... accepting videos and "I love yous" over the internet, while you were already grounded... is something an asshole would do. He's been aware of how the children have been taken out of my life. Which I am sure is just as much his idea, as it is yours. It went against every promise you ever made me. It has made you a person, I don't know anymore.
Whenever I get that urge to think about you... miss you... or try to shake the love I've held in my heart... I think about how you've changed. That you're not the woman I went to New York with. You're not the woman who was open sexually. You're not the woman who had the courage to tell the truth... but hid it, knowing how fucked up it really was. You're not the Kendall I know. Just some bitch, who unfortunately is in control of our childrens upbringing. Worrying me daily.
You and I both know, you were never much of a mother. Passing along duties of taking care of the kids, with anyone willing to accept it for a time. Not to mention, that I'd really prefer if my daughter wasn't raised by a whore. No offense... but with you at the wheel... I'm afraid, she'll turn into her mother... and by 18 or 19, she'll get pregnant. I read you're journal. I "knew" you inside and out. You're past, which isn't much different than mine. But still... I never... never... would have done to you, what you've done to me. And I'm positive, that karma will come back and bite you in the ass one day.
I realize, that you're just not worth it anymore. The person I loved, was amazing. She was the most amazing person I've ever known, as my journal has dictated. But you're not her anymore. Just a shell. Just a shell.
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