The bad...

  It's taken me a long time to accept what has gone on.  Things that I haven't seen or just surprised me.  I'm often reminded, why my life has become what it has become.  Someone else made you smile, in a time I made you cry.  What has followed has only been something that has made me cry everyday of my life in some degree or another.  I forgot, exactly what it is, I loved so much about you.  Why...?

Why?  Because, I've been accustomed to replacing that love, with things that have only hurt me.  The bad...  You're slutty ways.  I read it in your journal.  One, of which I hold in my possession, when you left this town with literally nothing but our children.  Journals that hold all the secrets of you.  You're words, spoken on paper, which I read, shortly after you left... as Dave and I were leaving the home you just about grew up in.  Grew up with me in.  You were messing around with other guys.  When you brought Will to my home, like it was no big deal.

Was I insecure?  Yes.  Absolutely.  You brought a man, that you claim to love over the internet and hardly in person... to the place where we raised our children.  Where you began initiating this "daddy" complex with.  The beginning of this journal. 

But, that's not the bad.  The bad, is how I have begun to see you.  I no longer see you in the same light as I once used to.  The same love and admiration, I spent years building for you... which wasn't the same in your eyes.  Somehow... just the opposite.  I begin to speak lately, as if you are the bain of my existance.  I didn't realize until today, that this is how I have begun to speak on your behalf  and in no way, do I like it.  I miss loving you...  but it seems the only way to get through this properly is to begin hating you.  To purposely forget, everything that was so fantastic about you.  This is in turn, exactly what you did to me.  You got to a point where you ridiculed me.  You laughed at me from the background as you took everything I loved away... because, well... you didn't love me anymore.  I have no other way.  You won't allow me to talk to you like an adult.  Like the friend you thought I would be when you ended this...  you won't give me an ounce of lee-way as you took everything from my life, including our kids... including Alora.  Which seems, that you cannot stop the way she sees me.  I am her father, blood or not... and it must burn you up inside to see that you still considers me as such.  In a time, when you constantly encouraged it to the point of belief.  In her eyes and in your own.  Does it bother you that I want a relationship with her?  That I loved to you to such a degree that, I took something that soley came from you and made it mine too...  I did raise her.  I did love her no different... no little, no more than my own.  I love her, like I love them.  She is mine... and the way she talks to me, even after 9 months of not talking to me has proven, I've made a place in her heart, much the same as I once made a place in your heart.

I speak the bad.  I talk about you in a way, I am in no way proud of... but ashamed.  Very.  How could I act this way, about someone I sadly... still love.  That I would drop my life for and accept in a moment... all of the inconsistencies as I once accepted you for.  You were in no way perfect...  and neither was I.  But, I still loved you with all my heart...  and this is the only way I can rid that idea.  Stuff it away and forget.  That's what you want... isn't it?

~John