I still cry.

  Amongst many of the feelings I have gone through in the last almost 2 years...  I am still lost.  I'm still in shock.  I still cry, dream and think every day of my life, about you.

  Tonight was triggered thanks to Marissa.  She posted a video of your birth with Will.  And I just cried.  It felt like, Johnathan or Kylie...  seeing those emotions and almost hearing your cries as you gave me my 2 kids.  Remembering that I have never left your side in almost 6 years.  I while, we fought, I never loved you a day less than the others.  That somewhere, along the way... you lost your love for me.

  I was where, Will was and is.  And I still don't know why.  Why have you called me names, taken my children and my life.  You took my family away and still, I don't have a reason why.  I've been part of your life, through your 21st birthday and both births of our kids.  I've worked, cooked and cleaned.  I have held your hand and been a shoulder for you to rest your head on.  I've never been dishonest.  I've never hurt you, more than you've hurt me.

  Why...  did I lose?  Why did the most important thing in my life, walk out the door without a second thought or chance to fix our life.  Why didn't you ever talk to me and tell me the problems and issues in our life or your fears?  Why did you just abandon me?

  Will I ever know?

  Will you ever know, how much I loved you?  How I've missed you...  How I wish some days you would just leave my thoughts?  How I wish you were more honest to me...  You hid the truth.  You lied.  You cheated.  You broke my soul.  You made me believe we were soulmates.  You made me trust you, while you slowly took my life from me.

  I still cry.  I still get so upset and crawl into a corner to be left alone.  I still go through the thousands of memories in my mind, where you are there smiling at me... wondering... when you'll be back.  Did you know this would happen to us?  Did you know everything that would happen when you left me?  Do you regret the decision you made?  Do you miss me?  Even a little?

Arg.  Fuck.  Goodnight.

~John