He standing there. We're arguing and she's packing things to take the kids away. I can feel the emotions welling up inside of me. He talks as if, he knows me... but all the things he's been told are basically lies. Lies to change who I am and who he is. A glorified hero. A glorified desperate measure to get out of the life that was so hard. She replaced me. In all the areas that she could get you to replace me. She doesn't love you anymore than she loved me. You're just the next step. A chapter... which, if you knew anything about her family... you'd know it's a short step.
I cock back my arm. I feel it so tense, like a paper could break it if the wind was strong enough. I push it forward with all of my might. I can feel the tears, waiting to come out the second there's contact with his eye and my fist. Plow. He's shook up. Good. That's how I've felt for the last 2 years of my life, while I watched this asshole take everything away from me. He talked to her more than he should... she talked back, more than she should... she couldn't just end it... leave me... be single. She had to walk into another mans arms. She's not as strong as I thought, but very weak. Very incapable of doing it on her own. No logical thought. Just selfishness. Forced the kids to move so far away. Far from those that love them. All for her selfishness.
She's in shock. I don't think she's ever seen me strike anyone like that. Ever... Never have I raised my fist to another human being in her presence... not even her. Sometimes, I should have... but I've opened my mouth before and I ruined it for her in the process. So, this time... I did it for me. I told him the things I needed to tell him as he held his eye in disbelief. "Those are my children. I love them with all my heart. Don't ever fucking forget it. You can keep her... she's only ever done me wrong, while I loved her with all my heart."
Yeah... so what. It was only a dream. A dream, I have never felt more alive from. I woke up feeling so refreshed. I literally jumped out of bed. And that NEVER happens. I feel great. Not because I punched someone, even in my proposed dream. But, that I stuck up for myself. Which I wish I could have done in real life. I was more in a state of shock when she left, the way she left. It was like I never mattered. And it's definitely like that now. All those nicknames she's calling him, she called me. All those things she tells him, she told me. I still know her better than he does. I still remember a million things about Kendall, though I wish I could flush them all down the toilet. I just want to say, how hard it is to stop loving someone. It's almost impossible.
Small victory in my dream. Thanks for giving me one...
~John
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