Is essence, that's what it is. It's just a storage unit, but still... it houses my treasures. I have to goto it today. For the last year, I've avoided anything having to do with it, because it has everything from Kendall. And as things progressively got worse and worse, I wanted to see it less and less. A lot of things are from the move out of Dave's. Which had a lot of her pictures, memorabilia, mother's things and a bunch more odds and ends. Things that people would want to keep. When it ended... which I don't know any other way to explain... I felt responsible for trying to keep some integrity and do the right thing. I was crazy over losing Kendall, especially the way I did... but thought we'd always remain somewhat close. We always were tied to one another with the kids.
Now they are gone and she is gone. And I'm left with a unit full memories, I'm unsure if I could handle right now. I just can't believe how this has all happened. I can't believe I lost someone so important to me. I still miss her so much. And I wish I didn't. I'm honestly, tired of crying. I'm tired of questioning, was she my "one"? Because, I knew the answer... I knew I would love her and she would one day, stop loving me. It was a fear. And as, we grew together... that fear grew. Losing her... losing her and the kids. Losing everything I loved. I thought about it a few times. If her and the kids were driving and would get into an accident. I would call, just to know they were okay. Or ask for updates, so I would know if something took longer than it should. I knew, how it would feel... to lose my family. But, I didn't know it would be like this... I didn't know that it would be so much harder than I ever imagined.
I never considered us soulmates. She would say it all the time and I would believe it... but I could never say that I gave her my soul. I sold my soul to have Kendall. Someone who would brighten up every ounce in my day. She was my greatest. And so are the things she gave to me. But, in the end... it would never be the thing I asked for. She thought gifts were the way to my heart... but it was always the little things. She bought me flowers a few times. She'd do something special. We'd spend our lives together and smile, while surrounded with the kids.
And all of these memories, sleep in that vault. I haven't been able to keep a straight face with this letter. I'm isolated, just so I can comfortably cry. I felt the need yesterday in the car, just knowing that I'd have to go through clothes, pictures and memories. The kids, already are so big. They've grown so much... that I wonder... why am I still crying? When will I stop? I miss the kids... I really miss my kids.
~John
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