When things were ending, I wrote something. It's in a blackbook, safe in the storage shed, along with almost everything that reminds me of you. At the time, I was so alive, though it wasn't a feeling of alive as it should have been. I lost you. In the days that followed, I had remembered every moment I spent with you and some I did not. I was up late. Most of the time, you had fallen asleep with my baby on you. I cried, seeing the woman I loved in bed with my child. I never told you. It was mine... my little secret. Moments like that made me mushy all the time, but this was one time I never took for granted. I always got up from my seat. I always walked over. I always whispered in your ear, how much I love you and I kissed you on your forehead.
Regardless of what you thought, it was the truth. Though some times were rough with us, I loved you with all my heart. You could be so stubborn and regardless of the how the day went, this is how it ended. I was the biggest, laziest, totally in love with my kids father, I knew. I made you mad at me sometimes and things escalated at times, to a place they never should have gone. But, still I loved you with all my heart.
It's been so long. And while there's a new pile to deal with and a new perspective I look at you, I still feel exactly the same. I've said it before... I hate who you've become. I honestly, don't even know where it came from. I remember a million great moments with you. I cannot imagine going through another million without you.
Now, I'm on the verge of losing it. My son and my daughter are being raised, encouraged and pushed to call a new man daddy. It hasn't stopped one day, as many times as I have tried to talk to you about it. And with their absence from my life, it's all they know. Will is daddy. The man who began all of this. Who you cheated on me with, held him as a secret and managed to replace me in every possible area. This year, I have seen my children 35 hours, not including drivetime. It's July. I haven't seen them for another 7 weeks. And everytime I talk to my son, he thinks I am your husband.
Most people care little. Some don't care at all. This just isn't their life. This is mine and I literally have nothing of it left. I have the pictures, videos and thoughts in my head, that tell me you were real. You were really the love of my life. My children were amazing and I am a lucky father. At least I was. I miss Alora. I miss her so much that sometimes, I just cry staring at her yellow puppy. I fall to pieces that you have taken her out of my life so easily. How did you do it? Did you lie? Did you tell stories? How did you convince her to never want to talk to her father? How could you do it?
Johnathan... I love you with all my heart and soul. The day I found out you were a boy, I cried. I still have your ultrasound. You've brought a joy to my life that I simply cannot explain. I am lucky to have you as a son and to carry on my name. I hope the world treats you better than it did to me.
Kylie... your beauty waking me up for the last 5 years has been truly a gift. There is so much of me in you and I find that to be amazing. You have your fathers sense of humor. You have my lovable personality and finally, I've been very fortunate that I was given the ability to rock you every night to sleep when you were a baby.
Alora... I was there for everything. Your blessing circle, I made a promise that you can always come to me and talk to me about anything. I don't see you any different than Kylie or Johnathan, which is why I hurt the way I do. I am not your father, but would love to have been. Since you were 3 months old and I began babysitting you, I had the pleasure to be with you throughout my life. You're so intelligent and awesome. I love you and hope, you will see me one day as you once did.
Kendall. I write your name and I feel like it belongs to me. Nestled in my heart. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for anything I have ever done, to where I deserved this in my life. You pushed me away before you could really find out how deeply imprinted you were in my heart. I've heard everyone say the meanest, nastiest things... and I cannot bare to listen to them any longer. You were my greatest accomplishment. That someone as amazing as you, could ever love someone like me. Even if it wasn't forever. I wish my life didn't end up like this and I was able to still wake up with you in my arms, make you coffee and wish you a great day at work. I won't ever understand how this came to be... how I actually lived my fear, being abandoned... by my family. The worst thing in the world I could have ever imagined. It happened to me. It's hell. It's a hell I would never wish on anyone, especially you. I don't hate you. I still love you with all my heart. I just cannot take it anymore. Please, take care of our children. Please tell them about their father and how much I loved them. Show them the pictures of me and the stories of all the great things I ever did with them. They mean so much to me. It's just so unbearable to be without them. I'm so lost. Without you and without them. I can't sleep. And when I do, I dream of you. I wish it would just stop, because it's such a painful agony to wake up and you're not there. I never got to say goodbye. And if I could, I'd pull down the moon to prove to you, everything you meant to me. But this is what it is.
I love you.
~John
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