I often would think about the times we spent together. It seemed like I would be lucky enough to spend every day of my life with you.
How things have changed. Life has completely flipped and I am in this hell, that actually was heaven to me. I woke up every day next to you. Now I wake up every day thinking about how you fucked me over.
My kids are gone. The amazing little souls, that would climb into bed with us, snuggle with us for hours and made me feel like such an amazing man. Now I wake up to TV's on, smoke in the air and an overall consistant feeling like I am no longer a factor in even my own life.
I had a job daily. I spent it raising children, making dinners, doing laundry and awaiting your return every hour of my day. Now, I clean up after others who don't appreciate it, watch my mother snort things up her nose, flip out, talk behind peoples back, my sister act like a bitch, manipulate her fiance, lazy around while she grows fatter and dumber. I smell my brother smoking endless amounts of pot, waste his life playing his Xbox, who has more attention and money put into it than his own son and my dad get no where.
I fight to be a father to my children, when I was all that my children had. I struggle to make ends meet... how can I provide for them? I'm fighting unemployment for the first time in my life that I've ever had to collect. I argue with people who say the most hurtful things they can think of. I just want to cry. I have no support, no love, no consideration.
2 years ago, you were everything. They were everything. Then you changed my life. I never saw it coming. I trusted you, though I shouldn't have. Your track record definitely speaks for itself. And still... all I want is them. My son, doesn't even know me as his daddy. He confuses me for Will and it kills my soul everytime I am forced to hear it. I've tried so hard. I've fought so long and I'm just growing so weary... I cannot lie and say, that there have been a thousand times that I haven't thought about just ending it all. About giving up completely and not giving the world another chance to do this to me further. Slam me with every possible cruel, fucked up thing that I couldn't have even imagined. I am really unsure if I can keep going. I keep telling myself, just one more day. Things will get better. One day closer to see them. One day closer until they find out the truth. One day closer for me to sit around and marvel at karma, coming back and getting every person who's wronged me, for their own self-preservation. So I can sit, laugh and feel the same feelings that you feel now. Ha. You sure got me. You sure fucked my life up, so badly that I don't even know where to begin.
I don't stick around for that though. I don't sit and wait to see the fate of the world and wonder how long, just to see you assholes, get exactly what you deserve in the end. Instead, I wait. Wait to be a father. Wait to be loved as I once thought I was. Wait to see the silver lining. Will I win a 1,000,000 dollars? Will the world know my name? Who the hell knows. Who the hell knows.
Still... with all this brewing. This pain, stewing. I think of you. I think of you, when you were most beautiful in my eyes. I think of you, when you were the amazing woman I once knew. I block out the nonsense. I block out the bullshit people tell me daily. I ignore them. You were not capable of hurting a fly. You once loved me with all your heart. You made me what I was. Who I am. How you've changed... how you have most certainly have changed.
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