Is what I need. It's been too long and I know it. 500 days. Roughly, no ones counting. I've been without you this long. I've been without your smile. I haven't held your hand. You haven't said you love me.
I don't know if I am waiting for some day, for you to magically reappear in my life. I really don't know what to think. I know that you're fighting me and fighting me hard, to walk away with my kids. To leave me behind and all of our memories. You've been taking those steps for a little over a year. Something that has crushed my soul. This all has killed me, without killing me. It would have been easier for you to just put a bullet into me and walk away. I'm still grieving, you being gone.
I loved you. I loved you more than I have to anyone in my whole life. I never saw this. I never saw the things you said to me. I never saw the end coming. I still cannot believe what you've done to "our" life. I still cannot believe your efforts to take and keep my children from me. How could you take Alora away, knowing that I see her no differently than Kylie or Johnathan. I raised her the same. With the same love. The same tone of voice. The same caring, fatherly love... I've had for years. You never questioned it before... and yet, you question it now.
The only happy part of my life is being with the kids. It might only be 2/3, but still I smile and remember how great they are. It reminds me all of the times I tucked them into bed, sang songs and was the best father that I could be. My problem with weed. Not even much of a problem, but one you are claiming now, makes me a bad father. You encouraged it at one point, even telling me I should sell it. *shrugs* I don't know. I feel like I never really knew you. I feel like you lied to me all those years and never enjoyed a moment of our life together.
NYC was amazing. You were amazing. You were jawdroppingly amazing. I loved parading around NYC with my "wife". Seeing the world with you. Seeing and doing new things, as we have always done.
I don't see that now. I see you, trying to normalize a situation that was created this way. I see you running away because I didn't have enough money. You ran to someone with money. And now you're happier because of it. You've taught our children to call him daddy. You've alienated me, with our children and my oldest. You've lied about me, even trying to lie to me, as if I somehow forgot all the wrongs you did to me over the years. You held scissors up to my throat. You punched me, square in the face. Are these the lies I tell others? I just don't know you anymore. And I wish I did. The woman I knew, blew my mind away. She dazed me every day of my life for over 2000 days. 48000 hours. I miss you. More than I've ever missed someone who passed away. I miss you.
I'm tired of crying. And just hope that the next person in my life who tells me they love me, loves me more than I ever loved you. That's the only way I can get over it. It's the only way, I could even imagine the idea to move on. But, even then... I know I can't. You were/are my soulmate. I may never get you again, but my soulmate won't change, because you left. I really don't want anyone else. I'm only trying, to say I did... I never wanted anyone else. I wanted you. I want you. I can't have you. I accept that. But, I want you.
I hope you're happy with the way things have worked out. I hope your truly happy. I honestly, hope your happy. In no way sarcastic, though times I get so upset, I'm mad. I really hope your happy. I'm sorry it wasn't with me. I'd pay anything, just to see you smile again happily.
I've thought about it, 1000 times today. I cried while mowing the grass. I had a dream of you and loved it. I woke up and had have to relive it all over again. I want them to stop, because life is just flaunting you to me, over and over and over and over again.
I'm sorry I love you. I wish I could stop it.
~John
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