I've only realized recently how lost I am. How so far disconnected, I feel from my life. I pass the days, without a care... when I'm in trouble in many ways. I've lost touch of what I really want and need in my life and grown accustomed to feeling the way I do. Lifeless.
This is for a lot of reasons. Of course, because of you. But, I don't even feel like much of a father anymore. I miss being a dad. I miss them waking me up in the morning, with tickles on my feet. I just miss them, so incredibly much. I haven't been able to cry. It would feel good to do so, but I just haven't been able to. I've distanced myself far from the things that remind me of you. I have to... you're gone. I've distanced myself from them... just so I don't think about you. How could I not? They have just as many of your beautiful features as they do of me.
Will we ever happen again? Is there a way I could go back in time and change things?
I think about you when I don't want to. Even when I am trying to hide you, from my thoughts. I could go on, in a million areas of how I miss you. How I remember everything as frozen as the day it was over. I'm mad at myself... that I believed and trusted you as much as I did. That I even tried to be with you, when it's obvious that you weren't as great as I thought. You betrayed me so horribly... you broke my heart and ripped out my soul. You took what was most important to me. And you have no regrets about it at all. You would do it over again... regardless if you knew how badly this has affected me. How close I've come to just giving up on myself. You manage to hurt the person who loved you the most. Who went through hell with you and still walked out holding your hand. The times you yelled at me, abused me, treated me horribly and never seemed to listen to anything I said. You were my world... and that didn't matter to you.
Now, I'm lost. I'm scared to even try with another person again. Getting emotional and trusting them is the most difficult thing I can do. I haven't gotten past the dating stage in 2 years. Maybe it's why the women I am dating, give up and move on. I understand... I'm just not ready. You were supposed to be it. Supposed to be the fate, that you and I both felt. You were my soulmate. And I hate telling myself that there is possibly another. I felt you were it. I knew it. I still do.
But go. Doesn't matter what memories I have... or the things I wish, believe or care about. I don't want you back. I don't want to see your face. I'd sooner prefer to just say, you don't exists to me anymore. You've destroyed my life and our childrens, just so you could have yours. So you can justify the deceiving and lying you did to me. But, hey... I'm sure your family is happy about the outcome as they helped you with your decision. My love wasn't enough. But it doesn't matter. I'll never forgive you. I'll just go on pretending, you mean absolutely nothing to me and see where it gets me. It's all I got left.
~John
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