It 3 days away. I've yet to feel any realistic Christmas spirit. It's hard to do this year. Maybe harder than last year, which was more of a surprise finding out that I wouldn't be spending it with my kids. You went back on your promise, like all the ones you made.
I don't want to, but I still think about you. I still dream about you... I want it to stop. I want to forget you. I want to stop crying and feeling, the emotions I've had for so long. I want to stop loving you.
It's unbelievable how my heart went through hell... and it still harbors an ounce of care for you. It's remarkable, that you meant that much to me. Since January 9th, 2011... you've done absolutely everything you can to hurt me. You have taken my life and destroyed my soul. I have little motivation and very little faith in even myself. I have cried more than every moment in my life, combined. I really just wish it'd go away. I really just wish it would stop. Last week would have been our 6 year anniversary. A day that I could never forget. Asking you to marry me. This whole week, I have been completely out of it.
I'm so lost. I'm so broken. I lost my bestfriend and I'm not over it. I miss my children. I love them. I'm afraid of what other ways you plan on keeping them from me. I still don't understand why you did it before.
I miss Lori. I miss Kylie. I miss my son. I miss holding them, smelling them, watching them grow up. Why did you take them from me? Why did you lie to me, deceive me and give my family away? You must not have really loved me, if it was so easy to simply take everything and give it to someone else. And in the manner that you did it... wow. How could you ever believe you're a good person?
I hate saying it, but you've become a lot more like your father. I don't need to know him or your mom. A grandfather who never gave a shit about his grandchildren. A father who never gave a shit about you. A sister who never gave a shit about you. A grandmother and aunt who never gave a shit about you. You hurt the one guy, who gave every bit of a shit about you.
I wish you'd just go. Go away and never enter my life again. Don't ever come back. Don't ever say you're sorry. Don't ever try to fix the mess you've made. Just keep going. I want absolutely every reason to think you never loved me. It's the only excuse for all that you've done.
*sigh*
It's only because I feel miserable... that I know you meant something to me. If I just walked it off... I really didn't care. Just like you. And despite all the similarities that both of us share... this will never be one of them. You were my family. I was disposable. My life was yours for the taking. Fairness and consideration are not in your creed. And damnit, do I hate it.
~John
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