It was 2 years yesterday, when my life began to fall apart. It's still an open, fresh wound... making it difficult to have motivation or happiness. I've died inside, over and over again.
I decided, that this is it. I simply can't keep coming back to you and reminding myself of everything I was ever lucky enough to do with you. Every kiss. Every fight.
The fact that I never thought about anyone else, but you. Once you were mine, you were my everything. I never wanted to be with another person. And now, no one compares. The women I date, don't last long... because they're not you. They don't have even the slightest ability to get me as excited and alive, as you made me feel. Which is why I need to stop this blog. I need to take the time, to let it go, just as I've ignored old letters, videoes, pictures and everything connected to you. It's why I've been distant with the kids, though it kills me inside. I understand I make my choices. You don't do that. I have the ability to be strong or tired. But to say that these events in my life hasn't affected me, would be simply a joke. It wouldn't be fair to say that I did this to myself. Life did this to me. The little and big decisions that I've made and others have made for me.
I haven't stopped thinking about you. I still notice you. I can't help it. I hope it goes away, just like everything else. I hope it slowly fades and becomes no more... because this is simply miserable. I have no flare. No happiness... I'm faking my smiles and choking back tears. And I'm so tired of living this way. I'm tired of "rehashing" (which you so eloquently put, just days after we ended.) I know that I made the decision to leave that night as it was unfolding, but learning about everything hurt me so unbelievable bad. I could not believe someone I loved, would hurt me this way. And it's only gotten worse since I found out.
I need to make changes, so I don't feel this way. So this is my last post about you. So I should get it out now and walk away.
You were the most amazing person I have ever come across in my life. My love was an addiction. I was proud to be with an intelligently beautiful woman. Why I wasn't as amazing in your eyes, is the most painful question to ask myself. I don't think I'll ever stop asking it. I don't know what will happen in the future between us or my children... but I wish that you were the same amazing person I once knew. I pray (to nothing specific) that our children aren't warped to thinking that their father was a bad man, as your father put in your heads. I loved them with all of my heart and you aswell. I didn't do my equal share and I lost you, losing them in the process. Had I known things were so bad, I would have done more. Had communication been better. I took on each situation to the best of my abilities. I love them and miss them very much... I always wanted to be a father and now that I am, I'm not... They are the greatest gift I have, and that I'd give up anything in my life for 5 minutes from them. I miss it all... the little things I did as a father are the things I miss the most. Bedtime specifically. I miss you singing to them, like I know you do every night. It will never be the same. I wish you the best of luck. I'm sorry for all I've done. I'll keep trying my best, but this is goodbye blog. This is goodbye emotions and memories. This is goodbye to you my love. I'm letting it go.
~John
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