Where are you when I need you?

  I've kept away from this journal for months.  I'm debating if I can even publish this when I am done.  But, I need to talk and this is the only way I can let out what I am thinking and feeling.

  I went to the hospital today, after having a tightness in my chest.  After about 45 minutes, I collapsed in the waiting room.  I was seen immediately by a doctor.  In no way, a ruse.

  I've tried a thousand ways to get you out of my mind.  I've lied to myself, even.  I still love you, as much as I hate what you've done.  My mind and body are constantly torn and still... I cry.  2 years and I am still broken. 

  The doctors told me that my heart is having lots of problems, though I have more tests to do over the next couple of weeks.  Even though I saw both already in Christiana, they want me to goto a specialist.  Cardiologists and a psychiatrists.  It was hard to not cry in front of them as the fear built up in me.  I could only think about being away from the kids... and I just kept imagining that you were there with me, holding my hand.  I'm scared.  I'm very scared in fact...  neither had anything good to say, but say that tests will determine more.  They wanted to admit me, but you know how I am with hospitals.  I insisted that I leave as I could not imagine being in that room alone.  It's driving me crazy...

I need to rest.  My chest still feels heavy and my head is killing me.  Where is the woman I knew?  That pagen goddess I remember?

~John