It's been on my mind all morning. A dream, that I wish I never had.
Kendall is in my dream, which is usual when it comes to dreams about the kids. Even in my dream, I can't face her. I want to cry almost immediately when I see her. The kids are there. So little, as I know they're not that young anymore. In the beginning of the dream, it's me... just asking to see the kids. To spend time with the kids in anyway I can. Then time passes, months, years. Will's out of the picture somehow and it's just her.
Fighting to see the kids is impossible.
I remember the last night in Baltimore. The fight we had because of the stuff I found. Finding out that someone you love, is loving another. I felt my life needing resuscitation then. And then somehow in the dream, I have the kids. The shoe is on the other foot. Kendall is knocking and crying at my door. She's banging on it, as she pushes the door with force. But I won't let her in. I won't let her see the kids. I won't let her touch them, hold them or her tell them that she loves them.
The neighbors hear. They're big. They're watching. She's screaming and I'm being an asshole. With intentions of cutting her out. She's crying and screaming like she was in Baltimore, when I went to get Johnathan from her arms. I hate it. I hated it. It makes me well up, even thinking about it. Baltimore was different. I never had intentions of withholding the kids from her. She's their mother... how could I?
I'm pushing her out my door in the dream. I'm saying the most hurtful and hateful things I can think of. I am fighting and pushing... I know, I'm not being fair. I know it doesn't have to be this way. But, I don't care. I want my kids. I want them so badly, I have to be this way to keep them. I'm not crying... because then, it would show my weakness. And far too much, have I shown that. The croud gets bigger, helping her. Trying to reason with me through a door of arguments. The kids are upset and I'm trying to calm them down. I send them to go play or lay down, but anything and everything to stay away from this. Even outside of this dream, this is the way I wanted it. Possibly the reason I didn't fight for them. I didn't want them to see me fight. I couldn't anyway. I still loved her. I couldn't... I just couldn't. I gave up long ago, holding onto any little thing I had.
People are helping her push the door open, ready to take the kids from me. I'm fighting with all my might and I'm overwhelmed. They rush in, she takes the kids and runs with them. There's no negotiations. There's no compromise. She takes them and runs.
I was up against my biggest fight last year and no one was there. I asked for help. I had hoped, someone would be on my side as even the wrong people are on hers. I am doomed to lose them. I am doomed to lose them from the start. I did nothing wrong except want to be their daddy. To continue on being a father. I love it and miss it. No one is there to hold my hand and tell me it'll be okay. To pay my lawyer. To help fight against someone who is defenseless, weak and brokenhearted. I'm as alone as I am in my dream. The outcome is the same. My parents weren't there. And the one person who should have been there, is the person who filled my head with "soulmate". The who called me "baby boy". The one who listened to me, understood me and loved me once greater than herself.
This dream made me wake in tears. Ones that won't stop from falling. I've never been more alone. I guess I should have seen it coming. It would have happened one way or another. And the memories, love and nobility to try and do the right thing, didn't make a single difference. Promises that were quickly broken and how easily I was forgotten and made to feel like I was the real problem.
Despite what can be blamed... I didn't cheat. I didn't lie. I loved, up until the last moment I could. I didn't mistreat. I wasn't disrespectful. I didn't steal my family away from someone else who felt it was just as important to them as it was to me. I didn't give it to someone else so easily. I just finally gave up from losing. I finally threw in my towel, because she absolutely wanted me out of her life completely. Because, I fought too much to keep her, it only made her run more. I had never loved someone this way. To this degree of never giving up. But I did... cause I don't want to anymore. I don't want to even think about what's been done. I could never imagine doing this to someone I love or once loved. It's not in me. It's not possible, even if my dream says so.
I went to the Cardiologists yesterday. My heart is only getting worse and they're a little worried about it. He says the stress has been getting to me and that I need some medication. I refuse. I have this thing about pills I don't like... so I'm not going to take them. My release has been writing and crying. The only 2 things, I am really capable of doing without hurting someone else. I stopped talking to the kids. I'm ashamed of myself... but I'm crying more lately and I don't want them to see it. I hear her voice and I want to cry. I want to just talk to her... though I don't. I want to tell her I'm sorry for everything. That I was shitty to her and that my love wasn't enough. I want to get mad because of the distance. Lori is going to girl-scout camp in the summer. It's her way of making sure I never get Alora for the summer. I raised and loved Alora with all my heart. I can't bear the idea of her not coming along... so I decided that I am not taking Kylie and Johnathan. It wouldn't be fair. It's not fair to me.
I'm so ashamed of myself. How could I just give up on them?
I have to.
~John
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