It's been 2 years, 4 months and 25 days since I've slept next to you... And still I haven't been able to get a full nights sleep. We spent the better part of 6 years only being apart once, more than 24 hours... when I was in the Army at A.P. Hill. The only other time I recall, is the day you punched me in the face and I went and stayed at Jason for the night... when you called me crying to make sure I was okay. Even in those times of you being so completely mad at me... you've never done, what you ultimately did to me.
Not a single day has gone by, where I haven't thought about you. Some days I miss everything I once knew about you. Other days, I am so completely upset and mad that you've done this to me. You've taken away the things that were most important in my life. I've grown to understand why you felt the need to run. It doesn't make it any easier, but harder.
I'm left here with a thousand memories with you. Memories, that I wish I was lucky enough to forget, like so many of the girlfriends I've had... have forgotten so easily. And as the years pass... you'll continue to forget more. You'll forget that I loved you with all my heart. That I never left your side and that I did anything that you wanted me to. That you, besides my children were the most important and amazing person in my life. I wish I didn't have to live with this hurt and pain being without you... but it was worth it to be with you.
It's been a while, so I needed to say that.
My life has been a mess lately. My relationships with friends have fallen in many degrees to areas, I never let happen before. I've grown bitter and mad at the world. I've lost motivation. I've lost the feeling of being a father. Honestly, I miss that the most. I feel like life has become so dull, dry and gray since you've left... and each time I've tried to add life to it... it wilts in my hand. I have no stability, though I've completely quit pot. Haven't touched it in months. I know saying it won't make you believe it... but I just don't need it, I'm not around it... it's gone. Hopefully for good.
I've stayed away from my parents, as everytime I go... they drag me into depression and exhaustion. I was only ever there, because there was no where else to go. I made decisions to do the right things, constantly leading to the wrong thing. As I said before... I couldn't fight you in court. Even knowing what I know today and how this has all played out... I still wouldn't have the heart to try and keep the kids from you. To act, as if there was never anything at all between us. And in those moments in court, I never felt more alone. No one there, to hold my hand and tell me it'll be okay... no one to keep pushing me, for literally it all. And you got it. My whole life... playing at your feet. Learning daily in school. Everything I hold dearest to me... is with you. Funny how that works, when it was always with you anyways.
Why am I going on like this...? I cracked open the broken hard-drive. Full of pictures I doubt you have... videoes of our childrens births... even pictures of the more personal adventurous selves... being completely vulnerable with each other in broad view of the camera... and no... I have never showed anyone.
I found myself, sobbing like I haven't been able to in so so long. It's been more than a year since I have been able to cry and let go. It's been more than a year, since I could allow myself to enjoyable look at your pictures and remember how amazing to me, you once were. And I miss it, though I know there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.
I still love you, though I know I shouldn't. I still dream about you... and some mornings, I awake with the impossible wish that you would be beside me. I forgive you, if you forgive me. For everything. I understand you, if you understand me... And I pray that one day, this will not continue to be.
I know I am not talking to the kids... but it's not because I don't love them. I love them more than I love myself... more than I love you. But, I need to take this time to better myself, until I can see them again. I need to take this time to fix the broken things in my life, since you've left. I need to fix the broken man I've become, as I'm hearing it more and more.
I am going to hang this up. I've said enough... but Kendall... I miss you. I miss you so ungodly bad, it hurts so incredibly much... I just want this pain to end. I want to feel alive again. I want this to stop.
~John
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