I couldn't begin...

  I've been realizing more and more as time goes on, how significant my life was.  How important my children were...  the feeling of lost and hopelessness that takes over when I think of you.  I'm confused in what ways, I didn't show enough love.  I have dreams that constantly reply the night everything happened.  I still wake up some nights, almost expecting you to be there.  I've said it before... I know... but still, it happens.  It still has yet to fade.

  More than ever I miss the kids.  I realize, I could end this distance I've accepted by moving to Seattle.  That I could call.  That I could skype.  But more than that, I realize that you want me gone.  You want me to disappear.  So I am.

  Father's Day this year was very difficult.  I couldn't do anything but remember my first Father's Day with Alora in Bellevue Park.  The pen you gave me along with the framed picture of me holding Alora.  I had remembered, meeting you...  the risk I took loving another man's child and trusting you.  And now, I am lost... because you've shown how easy it is for you to take that away.  To take a child, I see as much as my daughter, as I see Kylie and Johnathan.  I couldn't begin to explain to you, how much I miss them.  How much I think about them daily, in everything I do.  How much I wish they would remember everything about me.  I'm their daddy, but you've made sure that I'm not anymore.  I couldn't begin to explain to you, how much my whole life I wanted children... and having them with you was a blessing.  Until you ended it.  Until you cheated, lied and tore my world apart.  Until you flipped the world into believing the worst out of a pothead like me...  a loving father and "husband"... suddenly became the worst thing, after you met "him".  How you could turn the children against me.  How you could use them to hurt me, just like you wanted to.  How you could hand over my family and live this life, happily ever after... that you started with someone else.

  I couldn't begin to explain the hell I went through for you.  The fights I had, just to be by your side.  The people I fought against, because I loved you... and did all I could to prove that.

  I couldn't begin to explain to you... how hard it is to not love someone, who instinctively you want to love.  You've told for many years you've loved and meant every minute from the first moment I said it.  I couldn't begin to explain the torment my heart and mind has gone through, as you've done everything to get what you want out of all of this, promising everything and delivering on nothing.  I couldn't begin to explain how tired of crying, I am.  How tired I am of loving someone, whom seemingly never loved me, if she guided this fate this way.  I couldn't begin to explain how exhausted I feel, confused and careful.  How lonely and afraid I am... to even try again with someone new.

  I couldn't expect you to understand one single word of any of this.  To know how any of this feels.  To watch all of it unravel at your feet and watch literally all the things you love... the best things in your life, to go away.

  I couldn't get you off my mind if I tried.  And I have.  Besides, erasing my mind... I am stuck with memories with you, that remind me every day how amazing and in love I was with you.  Skinny dipping, karaoke, nightclubs, drinking, camping, watching you give birth to my children.  How I wish I could give those memories back.  To someone more deserving of them.

  I couldn't imagine... thinking this way my whole life.  Which seems to go by faster each year...

  I can't imagine... missing you one day more.  But, I will.  I will until I don't anymore.

  I don't want to do this any longer.  I'm not crazy.  I loved someone with everything I had... and well, now... you have everything I love.  If there was a reason to go crazy... I'd say that would be good enough.  But instead, I'm just giving up. 

I'm just giving up.  You win.