I avoid writing in here, everything I want to write in here. It's been 5 months and while I could go on and on and on about my changes... It's not why I write here. It's a release. Almost a way to talk to you, without talking to you.
I'm no different than the last 3 years that I've spent Christmas alone. I hide, shelter myself from the joy and excitement that goes on around me. Bury any Christmas spirit in the fact that you're not here and neither are they. It's amazing how 3 years I ago, I never would've imaged during Christmas, that I'd be very alone. I never saw any further than my box and those that I thought would be in it forever. Considering divorce rates, I shouldn't be surprised... but, I am. I guess I had really believed that you were the only one for me. It takes 2 to think that way though... and I was unaware and confused when it all came to light. Immediately, every memory flashed before my eyes and the want to be closer to you was stronger and at the same time weakening me.
I still think about you every day of my life. It's so painful to even think about, that most of the time I am doing what I can to ignore it or get past it. As I said back in April... I really do wish I could erase my memory. I wish I could erase you as you erased me.
I'm beyond the stage of bitterness and a love that will never die nor never bloom. I am beyond the level of missing everything and more or less, questioning if I ever really knew you. I mean, let's get over the fact that you're not with me any more. Something I've had to swallow hard on and still I wish it wasn't true. But... what you did with the kids... well... that speaks for itself. You took a dad that loved his kids and made him disappear. Just like you wanted. You moved far away, broke all of your promises and did everything to lie and deceive me the whole time. When there's never been an ounce within our 6 year (5 years and 10 months) relationship that deserved that. Maybe some stretching of the truth... but always honest, even when I knew you'd raise your hand to me.
You can't blame the pot, when you were such an advocate for it for years, not to mention the environment I met you in. Let-a-lone try to explain to the children that the smokers they see commonly on the streets in Seattle... that's why you left and took them from their father. It's ultimately my fault to giving up... for dying as their dad and not keeping up with my hopes and dreams. I am utterly ashamed of myself because of it. But... and a big but... I didn't just get here by myself. I was pushed. I was pulled. I had court against me while I sat alone, praying that the courts wouldn't take away the people I loved most. I had, being alone in that court room... on my shoulders. No husband... or his family that came in to stick up for a woman that was cheating and lying the whole time. Making stories and tales up about a man who never put his hands on his "wife" in anger and passing them throughout the community, like it's a justifiable reason to cheat. I had you... the person I loved the most... hating me. And for what?
You took my life Kendall. And everyday when I wake up... that's what I realize. I gave you all I had. My trust, my patience, my love... and well... I don't have it anymore.
Merry Christmas
~John
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