The understanding...

  I did something I never thought I would do.  I decided, that I simply cannot do anymore.

  I didn't give up.  But I did.
  I didn't erase...  but I am.
  I'm doing exactly what you did.  An operation that erased all the good about me.  The things that you fell in love with first and then left me alone for.  The things that created much of who I am today.  6 years of laughs, arguments, thoughts, dreams, ideas and complications that slowly consumed our lives.  Nothing fades, regardless of the time that flies.  While many things may takes its place, upon concentration of said things...  I still feel little different.  Am I awaiting for something to change all of this and at some point for you to somehow magically wonder back into my life?  I doubt it...  I don't even think I hope for it.  I've accepted what is, to be what is.  I've become mad and bitter at the constant feeling from the way  that things have molded themselves into my life.  Under the hardest drugs, I've never felt more disconnected than from myself.  Perhaps it's no one elses fault other than my own.  I am in control of me and my fate after, all right?

  Still...  when I close my eyes, my dreams cloud me.  Always your hair.  Your smile.  Your impractical way of thinking.  I'm past admiration.  I'm past remembering how we became... though I still remember the first few moments of when we met.  The first moments of intimacy and vulnerability.  It' as if it were yesterday, I slept and today I am simply reflecting on what was.  It's not 6 years ago to me.  It's yesterday morning... and between the time of sleep to wake, a whole life happened before my eyes.

I went on a date Saturday.  So much of her reminded me of you, yet... still things differed to the point where I found admiration for her easily.  She was amazing...  fantastic...  and because my mind had a difficult time leaving you and the kids, she could notice this within me and realize that I have something that will be difficult for her to pass.  Not my job, finances or anything relevant...  but because she could sense the emotions of the kids and you, that have drained my smile and tainted everything I've ever come to know.

I don't blame you.  Well, some things I certainly do.  The overbearingness of emotion and impulsiveness.  It reminded me so much of the women I dated when I was a kid.  You ability to ignore whatever once was...  to become a list reassured of things that used to be.  The kids no longer think of me in the manner of father, but only know me as such through biological means.

I've been made to feel that the only way to come through this, whole, motivated and patient. though none of those things have a stone tablet.  They're liable to chance as each days passes and they continue to fade with the age.  Like a bad grape in wine.  After 30 years of aging, it'll be unnoticeable.  It'll be long and forgotten.

Also, by no means could I ignore such things.  This is life and I need to do what I can to smile my way through it.  Through the mistakes I've made and the ones that others have made for me.  This is the fate, I didn't believe I'd ever have.

I gave up.  I sent you a message that 2 years ago, I would have been ashamed of myself for.  I quit.  I let you win and wake from my life, what you wanted to take.  I have tucked down the pride and created little than air, as it's outcome.  It's quite the difficult thing to do.  I always imagined myself as being moral and proper, extending to know what I claim to know.

I am not perfect.  I know here my loyalties lie as I stride to find myself able to find an ounce of someone new.  Who knows...  I'm no expert and neither are you.  I can only pray that the things that I do turn out for the best.  That someone will understand them and give me the push I need to fight hither neither...

I loved you, but anymore I'm not sure what I do.  I pray to be done...  so erase what I have and go away with it. Provide it to someone willing to build my pieces.  Alright with my inconsistencies and ignore the importance.  Assume, she's different.  Experience sun shines and rain.  Imagine a work, where nothing is nothing...  would you still think of me.  Would it really matter?

Kylie.  I love you.  Amazing you'll always be in my eyes.
Johmathan, you share more than similarities.
Lori.  I did my best.  I love you.  Forgive me.

This will be my end of trying.  After this day, I'll be doing what I know I can do.  So forgive me of my discrepancies.

I love you all...  and never forget for a second that I am not thinking of you.

~John