... I'm barely standing up.

  This past month has seriously crippled my soul.  I am down further inside myself than I ever imagined I could be.  It's a few little things and one big thing.  I guess I should start somewhere in the beginning.

  A month ago, I had the kids.  For all Thanksgiving weekend.  Johnathan's haircut and birthday party, which wasn't the best... but still a great night.  Beth came over and spent some time with us.  It felt really nice.

  About a week and a half goes by.  I get a new phone and new number.  I contact Kendall with the new number so that she is not confused about it, when I call to talk to the kids or text her about what's going on with the kids.  I have been calling the kids almost every single night for a year, when they are not with me.  There are few times when I didn't talk to them.  Once in a blue moon, it would be because of me.  Which I can account 1 date in July when I wasn't able to answer... and a few times later, when changing phone carriers.  All the rest of the missed calls were Kendall.  Which is usually once a week.  And it depends on what she's doing in her life and whatever other plans she has going on.  Half of the time I don't get a call, I don't get any warning.  No message... no consideration.  Just ignored.  It's the first week of Decemeber still.  I call.  3 nights, all around 5:30 to 6:30.  I leave a message and no return.  I'm starting to worry and Beth is asking me to ask Kendall when I am getting the kids.  Believe it or not, I had a lot of big plans, set for my weekends.  I always do.  Camping, swimming, popcorn and scary movies and glowstick rave.  I always plan something exciting for the kids and I spend ALL my time with them.  My mom has offered to watch them a few times so I could go out and see friends, but honestly, I would have rather spent my time with my kids.  I lay with them and just enjoy the time, I've been denied all of this year.  I don't want to miss a second.

  I ask Kendall about seeing the kids the upcoming weekend.  "Am I going to have the kids this weekend?"  I got a reply that basically said, that plans were made.  I can understand the time constraint and even being around Christmas, things got busy.  Might not have had another day to plan this...  but, shouldn't I know that in advanced, when this "visition" isn't going to accure on the typical schedule we'd been adhearing to?  I got upset.  While she might have had plans, so did I.  I didn't think I'd have Lori for her birthday, so I told her that my present was to take them all to the movies.  Including Beth's daughters.  Just because I wanted to spend more time with her and the kids to get to know one another better.  I heard some of the things the kids were saying...  but it wasn't a situation I wasn't aware of until later. (refering to the girls as "sisters".)  (If anything, I felt rushed in having to admit some sort of idea like that once I was told.  Neither good or bad...)  I had a nice talk with the kids, asking what they thought of Beth both girls, since their opinions mattered.  Anyway, getting off track....  I pushed the bar.  I got very upset over being ignored and un-notified about anything going on in the kids lives.  Things were good in the beginning.  All grass roots.  Innocent, 2 adults trying to raise their children.  At least that's what I thought in the beginning.  And then little things started popping through, like the "daddy" thing.  God that irks me.  Just out of simple respect alone...!  The lies about abuse, kill my soul when I know nothing like that ever accured and things are being embelished or not talk.  And now this.  It just never seems to end.  The constant barage of shit I get from this.  First, it was my love.  Then my home, not once... but twice.  Less time with my children, than I ever imagined as a father.  (I realize that this shit has just been building.)  Humiliation, heartache and constant tourture from someone I loved and trusted.  This incredible emptiness that I feel.  Friends leaving and choosing sides, which I haven't asked a single one of mine to choose.  And the only time I even get a happy glimpse into my life is when I spend my time with my kids.  And now there's now.  It pushed and pushed and now I am, exactly where I don't want to be. 

  The constant, cryptic formular that I'm somehow supposed to follow in order to live happy.  I'm backed into a corner.  I told her I am getting a lawyer.  This isn't fair to me.  It hasn't been fair since they moved to NJ.  It's been just enough for them to look like it's making an attempt.  Sincere, but unforgiving of time or inconvience.  It's always on her time.  She's asks what time to get here, but it's mainly steering my words into something convient.  I know.  I didn't see the kids for those 2 weeks.  I missed Alora's birthday.  It bothered me, that I was forced into missing her 2nd in 6 years.  I still called as usual and sang "happy birthday". 

  Christmas was just a few days ago.  I didn't see the kids for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day or the day after.  It was the worst holiday I have ever had.  I talked to Lori the night before.  I asked her what her plans were...  She said "Have breakfast, Open presents and come to your house."  Was this an answer?  After 2 weeks of asking and 1 day of begging to give me an answer.  I thought maybe this was the answer.  I got excited and ran out with mom to do some last minute shopping.  I went right home, unpacked the entire car and ran inside.  Exhausted from work, running around all night and getting home late, I was exhausted.  I was excited.  I couldn't wait to see the kids. 

  Christmas comes and goes.  My question "Lori says they are coming over today?  What time?  My answer?  "Lori was mistaken."  I called and tried to talk to Kendall and gain reasoning behind not seeing my kids on Christmas Day.  I still had no answer for what's going on.  When she wouldn't answer, I talked to the kids about Christmas.  I listened carefully to what all 3 children did.  I could only remember past Christmas's and smile at that.  I thought about going by car to see them, but didn't trust what would happen if I went.  This degree of withholding, meant that they would call the police or not let me see my kids anyway.  It would become drama and I don't want it.  I reminded her that we have had an agreement for a year almost about Christmas and honesly, I think I was more than forgiving up to Christmas morning.  Even not after having the kids for a month.  I could have had them 1 day and been happy.  I wanted them 5.  But, 1 would have been better than none.  I held it in.  I couldn't cry.  For the first time, I couldn't even well up the tears.  I can't think straight, but I can control me.  I just cannot believe this year.  I really cannot comprehend, what the last 365 days has served to me.  Did this just happen in my life.  How the hell do I get through it.  I feel so alone, even with some of my supportive friends.

  Christmas Day goes slow.  My brother tries lifting my spirits, but I know he's trying and I'm not really falling for it.  I was replaced with Roy anyway, within a matter of minutes.  I sit around and watch my phone all day, just trying to take my mind off it.  Angry Video Game Nerd, takes the pain away.  Gives my mind something to think about where I can laugh a little.  I stare at the presents in the room and just remember where I was a year ago.  Around 4 of my favorite people.  And while my mom and dad are oddly fun and annoying at the same time...  I don't feel like I'm at home.  I feel like a constant guest.  I try to goto sleep, which is difficult with cigarette smoke and TV constantly in a household full of smokers.  I wake up, not even remembering a dream.  I pick up my phone almost immediately and ask Kendall when I will see them.  Then I am informed that "we" put in a petition for custody.  We, not including me.  I am told that it is their lawyers advice to withhold the children until the hearing/mediation/trial... whatever it'll be.  I have no idea how long this will take, but it's basically confirmed that I will not be spending the Christmas week/end holiday with them and I just cannot believe it.  I started crying at work.  I walked into the bathroom for a good amount of time, just to catch my composure.  This nightmare, just continues.   

  I talked to a lawyer about 2 weeks ago when this all began, but only asked simple questions like: what are my rights?  Explaining a little of the situation and see what can be done to stop this behavior.  Being taught to call Will daddy.  Having time taken away.  Not being informed information like new doctors.  And if I even got into the things I've read...  jesus.  I wanted to be prepared if I am being taken out of my kids lives against my will.  I find out that papers were sent (which haven't arrived... not by mail nor by server.  Is that the right word?  I won't be able to see the children until court takes place.  Kendall, will more than likely pay for the lawyer with the money from the tax return.  Putting me at a disadvantage.  I either have to find an actual cheap lawyer or probono.  Or, of course being as intelligent as I am, can represent myself.  And while, I think I'm intelligent enough to actually do it...  I'd rather leave that up to a lawyer and increase my chances.  It goes through my mind a million times a day.  "My children?".  God what a mess. 

  I know if I can stick with this, all will end up okay.  I want to be their father.  I never wanted to stop.  A rough passage through our hell, became an alone passage of my hell.  I haven't been able to spit anything out and while I sometimes spout off on Facebook... it's mainly because it's boiling over.  I try to keep it down to a minimum.  Sometimes, I put it up for just perspective and advise.  But mostly, because I'm not fake.  I'm not going to fake what's going on in my life.  Maybe it's only my perspective...  and I'm wrong?  But, I don't feel like I am.  I feel a lot is provoked.  Pushed and swayed.  Everytime its something new.  It just never seems to end.  I'm sure I bring some of it onto myself.  It's just other things don't make sense.  It's harsh and painful every day.

  This weekend is New Years Eve.  My last New Years Eve, was great.  It was NY Day that fucking sucked.  Finding out what Kendall had done and having little to no trust in her after finding out.  God, that day ruined my life.  I knew it was falling apart as soon as I heard it and it followed me until the 9th.  The end.

  I need to walk away into 2012 with this amazing feeling.  I don't know how.  At first, I thought New York City.  I thought who I wanted to take...  Beth.  I asked.  ... ...Anyways.  I think I am going to a party instead.

  I've spent the night at Tom's the last few nights.  And most of last week.  He's odd but, a good friend to have around.  I'd be falling to peices if I didn't have a friend like him. 

  The kids saw my parents today and stopped over the house.  They got pictures and had a good time with the kids there.  Kendall went, all 3 of my kids, her new son and Will.  All to my parents.  Wow.  I didn't go.  I can't go.  For exactly what reason why, I am still baffled on.  They opened the gifts I bought them and loved them according to my mom.  (But, aren't moms supposed to make their sons feel better anyway?)  They spent time with their family and in the long run, that is what is most important to me.  It hurt me every second to not think that I could just go over and see them.  See their smiles open the gifts I bought for them.  I still can't fucking believe it.  How is this fair or even legal?

  ...  fuck.

~John

Awaiting something great...

  This is it.  I can feel it, just disappearing.  Getting used to her being gone.  Losing the feeling I have left for her, that ever made me love her.  It's filling me with pain and exhaustion.  I was jumbled for the longest time, with how I felt... over what I should do with my life, without her.  How was I going to adjust to this?  Somedays are hard.  Somedays I think nothing more, than my family.  Now, it's the time of year I loved the most.  Memories just last year.  It's going to be hard, but I'm proud of the progress I have been making.

  I'm working hard and taking care of almost everything I can take care of.  I am keeping myself busy, smiling more each day and continuing to believe that there is going to be something good is to come my way.  This year has been so difficult, I've got to somehow make up for it.  It could be a new start to my next year.  I could be a good finish to this year.  But, karma has to start making its rounds soon.  I'm optimistic towards a good Christmas.

  I can see the kids miss me.  They talk of wanting to come and see me almost daily.  I miss them.  They truly do light up my life when they come to visit.  Last week I was supposed to have them.  I had planned the time off work and prepared everything around the house for their arrival.  I was prepared, other than having stuff for Johnathan.  And it was canceled.  I don't even want to explain why.  I just know this is a ruse to her.  It's been following her behavior as we get closer and closer to this new year.  It's just such a complicated time and si much, right around the corner.  The holidays and Johnathan's birthday and Lori's birthday...  and then Christmas!  I mean, geez!!

Seriously for Christmas though, I can't wait to see their eyes this year.  I'm really going to enjoy having them.  I think this year, I'm finally going to feel like some use around the holidays.  I used to be so depressed around the holidays, because I wasn't working or getting low hours.  I felt like I couldn't compare to her, who was able to buy whatever.  This year, is going to be a year I know that I'll make more of a difference.

I never thought I would begin to even get used to this.  I still miss her... but there's nothing left.  And I'm getting used to thinking that.  There is just no trace to whatever was there... it's like memories lie.  And rather deal, I need to figure a way to move on.  I need happiness again.  More than smiles.  More than dates.  I need accomplishments.  I need someone who will love me and mean it, no matter what.

  My heart is afraid.  I haven't let anyone get close to me.  No more than a few dates and very little fooling around.  I'm afraid to be vulnerable.  But, somewhere along the way... I'll have to get there if I ever want to find a relationship worth investing myself into again.  Do I have the energy right now...?  No, I don't think I do.  But, talking and meeting people is a good start.  I've only further connected myself to the world. 

  Like through Cathrine...  I met Joey.  I know a few people through Joey too.  Connected.  Connected to the least likely of places.  It's rather interesting.  I'm opening my world to seeing some great things and meeting some great women. 

  I don't plan anything around when I see the kids though.  When they come to me, I clear my whole schedule.  I spend all my time with them and having a lot of fun.  It's nice to be a dad.  I always did love it.  Now, I just miss it.  But, I truly do miss them.  It's hard to deal with things when the kids add so much into it.  SO much into it.  Almost EVERYTHING into it.  Everything I do, I do for them.  And their used against me as ammo.  It hurts me so much.

  *takes a deep breathe* 

  Things will look up.  Right?


John
 

Unbelievable... But, I guess I saw this coming.

...  Where do I begin.

  A few days ago, I awoke in the worst way.  A nightmare about having my family taken from me all over again.  It went through everything that I had gone through in the last 10 months.  And then it gave me a glimpse of the future.  What scared me the most, was that Alora, Kylie and Johnathan weren't tied to me legally at all.  I woke up in complete tears.  I know that nothing can be done about Kylie or Johnathan, since they are biologically my children.  To have them taken from me, would simply be against the law.

  Alora, however... I have taken responsibility for her over the last 5 years and played the role that Kendall wanted me to play in her life.  To be her father.  To me, it's more than just a title... "Father".  It's a legal responsibility I've wanted since the very beginning.  In my heart, she's my daughter.  To not be included in on the things in her life and have no say as a parental unit kills me.  I accept her, as I take care of her medical insurance and have provided a lot of money and time into her school.  To be ushered out of her life is so painful for me to deal with.  I have literally NO say.

  I voiced my concern to Kendall in a very confusing letter, that was written at 4 in the morning.  I didn't know how to deal with the dream I had.  I was scared, upset and half-asleep when I wrote it.  I asked Kendall to ease my mind with this dream.  I mentioned and talk a lot about all of the things that her and I had been through and why it scared me to believe and think something like this.  I never got a straight answer.  I asked her last night about it, hoping to ease the thoughts in my mind about becoming what I truly wanted.  Something Kendall and I had discussed for years.

  She answered me last night.  She told me that, I will not be able to adopt Alora.  She told me that she is going to have Will adopt her.  I could feel my tears welling up and the shaking in my body.  I wanted to just collapse to the floor and turn the phone off and breakdown.  I sorta rushed the call, so I could do just that...  breakdown.  I cried in the bathroom for about 20 minutes, confused on where to even begin.  I couldn't believe it.  I still can't.  It's really amazing how little I knew about this person I loved so much.  She claimed to be my soul mate.  She claimed to want me to become Alora's father.  Now, I'm hearing every excuse in the book as to why I cannot.  It's so upsetting and painful to think that I did NOTHING wrong, to get exactly what I've been getting through the last 10 months.  I'm really unsure on what I can and should do.  Even in the beginning of the end of everything, her and I discussed what was to be done about the kids.  She had been telling me that the children are mine and that nothing will change other than the relationship of her and I.  Now, I am losing one of those members of my family.

  Her and I fought about it for 40 minutes.  I more or less defended myself over the issue.  She only seemed to unleash a wave after wave of horseshit of everything I did wrong.  Basically, trying to justify her decisions, which in no way... can be justified.  It's really amazing how far everything has come along and how much I've been forced to give up in all of this.  How utterly selffish she's slowly become throughout all of this... and somehow... I'm just supposed to get a life. 

  I think I lost all the love I had for her.  I think it finally escaped me after hearing the answers I heard last night.  Hearing her bain my name with crap that's one-sided and all based on her perspective and the coaching of those around her.  Sure, I'm flawed.  Sure, I've made mistakes...  but so has she, that she's not accounting for.  She's placing the complete blame on me, so that those who surround her, continue to do so.  Even though, if they took a step back and realized that there's another perception.  If they knew, HALF of the crap she's saying is just that...  crap.  Meant to give her new husband pity and keep him close, thinking that somehow he is saving the day.  To her friends who somehow think that, they are saving her from me.  Which couldn't be farther from the truth.

  While I can get mad and upset...  while I can be, well... fucking human...  I never directly expressed that anger towards her other than frustration.  I was a good wholesome man, despite the fact I smoked pot.  While, it was a habitual thing, it was far from an addiction.  And when I went without, I because just as irate as she was without cigarettes.  Another perceptional view that she's very jaded on.  She'll do ANYTHING for Will, which is sad that she'll take away Alora's father, just to fulfill the need to feel normal, which is anything but in her life.  A mother of 3 baby daddies.  1 whom she never disclosed that he was even a father.  Something that may sit well within my favor... or destroy the integrity of the relationship I currently have with Alora.  What would Mike think, if he found out that Kendall was going to allow Will to adopt Alora, without his permission.  How confusing would that make the entire situation... and is it worth it?

  I should contact a lawyer to at least get a point of view on this and if it's worth persuing in court.  I have no clue where to begin and it really upsets me that I feel forced to take this route at all.  I wanted things to remain civil.  I only wanted her to keep the promise that she's made to me over the last 5 years... and now I feel like I am forced to become more of a dick about the situation.  I'm unsure what to do, but NOW is the time to start doing it.

~John

Subconsciously. It's specific and painful.

  I woke up today with no idea why I keep having these kinds of dreams.  Kendall is in them.  Always; in one form or fashion.  She's always beautiful in them, understanding and compassionate.  If only it were that way when I see her.  I mean, she is beautiful.  I always thought so...  but now it just fucks with my psyche.  Why can't I just let go.  Why?!  I want to shout it into the air in some unrealistic fashion that I'll actually get an answer!

  I had a dream I, that I  broke in.  A house that was in no way conventional.  BIG, OLD, Victorian.  I frantically looked for Kendall.  Will confronted me and I shouted at him.  He walked away mad.  I met up with Kendall and rested my arm on her shoulder.  Her touch soothed me even in my dreams.  Mostly I talked, complaining about the unfairness of all of this.  About not having the kids enough, being lied to and ultimately taking away everything I loved.  And then I ran.  I didn't harm her or Will, I just ran.  Out of the house and down the road.  I cried of course, as confused and hurt as the first day all of this happened.  It was like reliving that night in Baltimore.  God I wish I could erase my memory.  If I only, never checked her phone...  I wish I never found that email.

  I woke up in tears.  I didn't know how to react.  I couldn't even breathe, I cried for so long, around 45 minutes.  I cried longer than when I heard Kylie refer to Will, as daddy.  I kept it quiet and to myself, crying into Kylie's monkey pillow.  How am I going to get through this?  A year ago, this beautiful intelligent woman was by my side.  Claiming that she loved everything about me... even the things I don't love about myself.  I was lucky enough to wake up everyday by her side.  Our souls were connected from the very beginning...  and then we made souls.

  Had all this taken a different turn, I might not be falling apart.  Maybe, if I had a chance...  rather than such an abrupt end.  I had her everyday in my life and then no days.  And the days I am lucky enough to see her face, I'm reminded of the baby in her belly.  I'm greeted with kindness and patience.  A glimpse of the woman I love/d.  And when she returns, she rude, rush and runs.  There is no us.  Something that was so important and special to me.  Something I had waited for, 25 years.  Fate.  (Which I never truly believed in all those years.  Never once)   It ended in the worst possible way.  It kills me inside.  It's a cruel fucked up joke, to whomever is controlling my fate.

  I know one day I will get over this.  I'll grow strong enough to keep going forward with no need to dwell.  But with my dreams now... how can I not forget?  It pushes me to my very edge.  It turns a wonderful "not think about Kendall day"... into a depressive, tiresome, worn out state, where crying in the corner would be sufficient.  My dreams are having such a profound affect on me.  They tease me with her while I sleep.  It's like standing in a dungeon cell, seeing her... but never allowed to touch her.

  They trick me into what I want and what my soul needs to be strong... and then I wake up and reality kicks in.  My brain during the day, tells me to move on.  To keep pushing hard at doing good and accomplishing things.  And while I sleep, it fills itself with arguments and love, strife and pain, sensuality and happiness and all of the little things.  The smell of her hair, feeling her heartbeat right next to mine and the notion that she loves and needs me.  My dreams are specific and it's painful.  How  could I loose you?  My best friend?

  Urgg, there's just no hope for this post.

  I'll feel better tomorrow.

~John

Getting used to it.

  I'm getting used to, something I don't want. 

  I'm getting used to looking at the woman I loved for so long, put me down, accuse me or complain to me.  Everything from her mouth is usually negative except the "talk to daddy" and seldomly, "Good."  I don't know why I still think about her when she's not here, dream about her and find myself in so many conflicts.  My intentions OF course, are never bad.  Just sadness, frustration, jealousy and loss.  I am still moving forward and those feelings will fade.  But, what's in my heart won't.  It'll never fade.  It hasn't yet.  Despite everything... up to this point, I will still try to find a way to work all of this out.  At least that's what my heart says.  It's not to fill a void, it's not to replace what's gone...  it's to make me happy.  To change my mindset to make it easier for me to do the things I want and need to do.  I know it'll never happen, but I know why I would want it back.  I'm not confused as to what my heart says.  I asked to marry this woman.  To have my 2 beautiful children with her, by her side.  She was my best friend.  Wouldn't you give your best friend another chance.  I'm not pursuing her.  I'm not making passes at her.  I'm trying to swallow hard and work cooperatively and in conjunction with my childrens lives.  There's a lot of things I have to overcome... and I'm getting used to that too.

  I'm getting used to seeing the kids in small visits.  I hate this.  I truly do miss my children everyday.  I love the 3 days I do get with them...  I love spending all of my time with them.  I love to teach, play, sing, dance, tickle, laugh and the conversations we have.  Sure, I'm tired, exhausted, worn and still have to face the one person in the world I don't think I can.  But, when we're all sitting on the couch, watching a movie... and I can reach down to 3 little heads, resting on their father...  I melt.  I happily tilt my head up to "a god" and thank them for getting me to this moment again.  It's my only drive.  Otherwise, I wouldn't be here.  I'm not an idiot...  but I know that if I didn't have children, I would have done something stupid to myself.  Seeing Kendall go through what's changed in her life in the last 9 months, I probably would have ended my life.  It's so soon.  So, I thank my children.  That you for giving me a reason to continue on going.  You have no idea how hard all of this is for me and you're father is working so very hard to become closer to you.  I'm sorry for everything that's happened in your life so far, but I do love you and you are the best people to ever happen to me.  I'm doing the best I can.

  I'm getting used to, work.  It's been a rough month, but it's improving.  We're pushing to bring in more contractors and generate business.  We're working directly with customers and contractors alike.  Work has been slow.  Only making the time go slower and more time to think about all the problems in my life.  I try to get myself fairly involved.  It'll get better.  Dunno what to do when I move, but I'll figure something out.  Maybe, I'll take the train everyday.  I'll figure it out.

  I'm getting used to, dating blunders.  Welcome to the internet.  Where you can meet women from your computer.  Right out of some cheesy soft-core pron.  The girls come in many varieties, but usually ignore.  Sure, I have lots of things that just go completely against what I've got and working for.  I don't have a car, I hardly have a home, I have 3 children (which isn't baggage to me, but it is for some women.)  It's nothing against my children, but I also understand too.  I'm getting used to being single.  And I totally don't like it.  I don't want a relationship either...  and to be even more honest...  I don't even want to have sex.  I just want someone to talk to.  Someone to spend time with.  Someone to have fun with.  And I'm just not finding that.  It sucks.  I'm lonely.  Just even for some companionship.  It just makes me think about Kendall even more.  Every moment I was ever lucky enough to hold her hand.  I really do miss her.

  I'm getting used to the ongoing drama here in the house.  Luckily days the kids come over, people keep it to a real minimum.  But, once their gone... it's a Jerry Springer show.  My sister, argues with her man all day, while she does menial things around the house.  Really, she has 1 or 2 chores at best and complains about it, when she doesn't work... goto school or even pay her portion of the rent.  My mom has given me a break for the last 2 weeks, because of the smaller paychecks.  I have 1 sitting, 1 I am getting Friday still 30 bucks in my wallet.  I'm no closer to saving for a car, with all the tugging at my wallet.  Roy wants another 15, 75 for rent, storage unit, with houses Kendall's pictures and junk from the house that she never picked up and her mothers piano.  120 for that, 100 per week for child insurance.  I'm hardly saving.  I spend little on myself.  And money for the bus and lunch.  I need to move.  I know I can find an inexpensive place...  but do I want to try and make it to Philly or look for another place here in Wilmington?  I want to move to Collinswood, not far from the kids.  I'm thinking that's not a good idea or to choose a place that isn't far, but far enough.  I don't want to be involved in Kendall's life.  She's hurt me so bad...  I have to resist how I feel in my heart and remember how she just walked away.  It's all about the kids.

  I'm getting used to, the dreams.  About 50% of my dreams involve in one way or another Kendall.  The situation is always better than what it is now.  It's confusing.  I wish I didn't miss her.  I thought not seeing her for a while, would help me stop thinking about her.  But it didn't.  I was sorta forced to do it anyways.  It kills me inside.  Soon, I am going to have to do more than I can handle.  Johnathan's Birthday is coming up.  I am going to throw the party.  She'll be there and so will all of the people who agreed with her decision.  It'll be hard to overcome, but I have to do it for my son.  I have to swallow hard.  Christmas is coming up.  It's Kendall's due date.  Well, Christmas Eve.  I know, because she told me.  Fucking joy.  Is she rubbing it in?

  I needed this.  After almost 2 weeks of shit on my mind...  problems, issues and of course, Kendall.  How can someone love someone and hate someone at the same time?  I think it's I love her... but hate what she did.  I just didn't think it was like her.  Someone I knew so well...  who knows me so well...  flipped.  Held this all from me.  Lied to me, time and time again.  And has enjoyed her new found freedom of speech, that belittles me and baffles me.  Shouldn't I be, mad at her??  Not the other way around?  I dunno.  I just don't know anymore...

  I'm getting used to confusion.
  I'm getting used to disappointment.
  I'm getting used to hearing "The other adult".
  I'm getting used to this void.
  I'm getting used to my local bar.

  I'm not drinking much.  Maybe once a week I pop in after work.  I talk with some of the regulars.  Pretty dynamic people.  And still, somehow I bump into people connections.  I've been teaching a kid there, only 28 how to play darts.  Funny... we both went to Brandywine.  I don't make it a habit.  But it is nice to sit and talk, enjoy a beer and watch a little news.  And it keeps me away from the loonies at home.  It's a nice little escape, but it's not forever. 

  I'm getting used to all this crap.  I want to get used to something happy.  Besides spending time with the kids, I don't have much on this list.  And there's lot of other things I haven't even mentioned yet.  My mind is just so jumbled.  What the hell do I do?

~John

Boiling over...

  I could feel it lately.  I woke up this morning, with Kendall on  my mind.  I don't remember if it's from a dream or just habit.  Which hasn't been replaced yet, with the absence now.  Little things.  Her smile.  Her mole, that sits oddly beautiful on her face.  Just how she made me feel every day of our lives.  Baltimore was so hard...  I really wish it was different.  I can't believe this is what it did to us.  I can't believe this is what it did to me.  I miss her.  Just her sitting next to me or holding my hand on a car-ride.  I miss her nagging at me about my inconsistencies, mistakes and blunders.  I'm just sad.  Sad that this all happened this way.  I believed that I had found the one I truly wanted to spend the rest of my life with.  It was impossible, but even after all the years of tireless struggle, we had gotten far on our own.  It just became too much for her.  She had lost her love for me.  Further back than I had ever anticipated.  She meant everything to me... and little by little, I was meaning less to her.

  I thought about every little thing and 1000 I love yous.  I thought about everytime I had ever touched her skin.  I had remembered everytime I saw her smile.  In just a few moments, I had relived for a glimmer... a portion of the happiness I had with Kendall.  And what am I now?  A man, still wound up over the woman he is head over heels for.  A man, still in awe of the speed and context of the end.  I liked the beginning much better.  And this will never go away.  My pain may become livable...  but my love will sit inside my soul for as long as I intend to live. 

  I'm hopeless...  but it's just the way I am.  I'm not dangerous...  I'm not crazy...  I'm still just in love.  I'm okay with that...  I loved her and love to me, isn't something that can be easily replaced.  It doesn't just fade.  You may not like someone, but can still love them.  You may hate someone and still love them.  It just all depends on how it comes out.  Right now, it's kindness and patience.  It's all I have.

  Things will improve... and maybe one day, I'll be able to fill my heart with Kendall again.  But, I'll never know unless I try to live life, right?  I just pray, somewhere in her soul... she misses me and loves me still.  I can wait.  I waited this long for fate to bring her and I together.  I honestly, believe that's what it is. 

~John

After crying and then a long sit on the stoop outside the back door...  I took some deep breathes and realized...  I had the greatest thing.  She has the opportunity to be really happy, even without me.  But, I don't have to give up how I feel or my understanding.  I just hope one day, I get a chance again.  I wish it didn't become this, but it is what it is.  I love you Kendall.  I'm sorry I ever let you down.

The Musical of My Life.

This is the musical of my life.
The show that just died.
It lives in my memories.
In anytime I've cried.

The show was the greatest,
It started up so bright.
We all knew our lines,
And never once did fight.

I bet you've never seen better,
I bet you've never seen great.
I bet you never knew...
What really was at stake.

Everything has happened.
Blurry in my eyes,
I can't hold the tears back,
Or stop asking why.

We bowed gracefully to the audience,
Abruptly the musical ends,
Not with the hopes and loves,
It is tragedy that this production defends.

We inprov-ed and missed,
The sets were just paint and holes,
With imagination and faith,
We played our best roles.

Too much at stage,
Preforming before crowd.
Exit stage left,
Try not to be too loud.

My life is the paper,
A scripted, words torn,
Words I wrote, from my soul,
In a condition; forlorn.

I try to start the story over,
Try to rewrite all the pages,
Can't get my thoughts etched,
A new act for the stages.

With confusion of a loss,
I beg to the "aboves"
"Don't Stop the Show!"
"The Cast is Loved!"

The stage is now gone,
In a fierce fiery slow burn,
To watch all the props and sets die,
Promising never to return.

This show has shut down,
The guests won't come back,
Where there once was light,
Has become dusty and black.

The greatest show in the world,
Created life and admiration,
Gold trimmed theater walls,
Heard throughout the nation.

Just a memory.
Just a blow.
Just my life...
What a show...




My day has been rough.  I was going to write about how I thought about her all day long.  I felt sick to my stomach this morning... and for the rest of the day, I thought about Kendall and the kids.  Damn, I miss them.  So, rather than writing essays of my "undying" love and affection...  I wrote a poem.  It sorta flowed.  Took me about 15 minutes to write.

Night.
~John

I can remember everything...

  Now, I try to throw some stuff in about daily life...  but obviously this journal is here to mostly get out my feelings.  Hopelessness and dispair.  Pain and sorrow.  All in an effort to just clear my head.  Losing my bestfriend/lover/wife was definitely the hardest thing I've ever had to endure.  Being without my children on a constant basis... is unbearable.  I only look forward to each and every bit of time I get with them.  I talk about work and dating, but really it still all revolves around what my heart and mind are constantly wrapped up in.  I'm I lost?  Sure...  What else is there right now.  Everyone will continue to tell me things that I just don't see eye to eye on...  their perspective.  But my perspective?  Well...  I'm hurt and feeling lost.  I utterly confused.  But, I love her.  I'd work on things to be with her...  I'd figure out life and all of its broken peices just to have a chance with her.  Yes...  even like this.  She was my best friend.  Someone I shared every secret with, never told a lie to and imagined would be a continuous light in my life.  She made me believe that.  I remember.

  My days press on.  I struggle to find the effort to want to do anything sometimes...  but make the effort to try and better my life and situation.  I've fallen backwards completely... to a degree, where I don't know where to stand or how to start making my life as fantastic and special as it once felt.  Will I propose to another woman again?  Create that above and beyond proposal I gave to Kendall in the rain almost 5 Christmas's ago?  Got on my knees and had her choke me, after she embraced my proposal.  I was so scared that night.  I remember.

  The world continues to fall apart.  I wonder where I'll be.  Will I be with her when it's collapse finally happens?  Will there ever be something that brings us back together?  Is my time over... and this just be another thing in my life that I have to let go and walk away from?  Constantly....?  Walking away from Lola was easy...  right into Kendall's arms.  I knew instantly that I loved her.  She was so strong and fiesty.  She didn't care about anyone else, but us.  The first 2 weeks were magical.  I never wanted to leave.  Meeting her and Alora was the best thing in my life.  I remember.

  And now...  when all the chunks that made my life are in complete disarray.  I have no direction, protection, selection or perfection... to go on.  I have what's left.  I have my thoughts.  My visits.  My whatevers...  that still feel very incomplete.  It's 9 months.  I still miss her.  The fights, disagreements, troubles and struggles.  Through the emotions, pain, crying, suffering and misery.  There's still that light that continues to shine so brightly in my heart.  It's the love I have for her.  Not an obsession.  A memory of every greatest moment of our lives.  The birth of our children.  The rollercoasters.  The vacations.  The cold nights keeping each other warm.  The warm baths with my arms around her, in the candle light.  Nights in the Army, where I'd talk to her every night and miss her every day.  This person who constantly filled in my voids, every day...  I still remember.

~John

A struggle... a fight... second guessing me...?

  Well, this post will start by pointing out a tough week.  Not as if my entire year, hasn't been hard... but this week has had me going back and forth and still the thoughts run through my mind.  I still love her.  I hate saying that, considering I am the only one who feels this way.  She doesn't love me.  I still try to recount what exactly it was that made her stop.  If only I had a time machine.  I'd go back to every moment...  and just relive it.  Even every fight as stupid as that sounds, because even during those arguments, she still loved me.  I'm a fool for allowing the best thing to walk out of my life.  I thought being an adult and awaiting on her patiently would bring her back, when really I should have fought more... than just words.  It's all I had though.  She was all I had.

  I still dream.  She's in most of them.  Clouding my mind every single day, reminding me of when she was a big part in my life.  The part I loved the most.

  This week was rough.  I still have been dating.  I met my date.  Her name is Sasha.  A fantastic woman with a 3 year old named Natalie.  We met up for lunch at the mall and talked for quite a bit.  We had plans to goto the Peek-a-boo Revue last night, but she sorta stood me up.  Talk about depressing. 

  This is the second time this has happened.  Sucks ass...

  Leading me right back to the beginning.

  I had some issues with Kendall at the beginning of this week.  It was NOT fun...  and bothered me quite a bit, considering.  After she picked the kids up, not only did I deal with her ranting of me doing their laundry... but also Alora and Kylie both somehow told her, that if  they told her what goes on at my house... that I would "beat" their butts.  Now...  while I don't have any issues with smacking my childs behind, after repeating myself 5 or 6 times to stop something...  I would NEVER beat them, because they're telling Kendall things.  If anything, I sorta want them to tell her stuff...  like how much fun they're having...  how we did all these things...  etc.  To be honest, I keep them very busy with "fun".  And I have a lot of fun when they are with me.  Why would I want anything different.  Well, instead of asking me if I had said this...  she assumed and plastered it all over Facebook, telling everyone what I had "apparently" said, which was just TOTALLY not true.  And it hurt.  Because people were commenting about it left and right, all behind my back.  I found out from a good friend, who is also a good friend of Kendall's.  I was truly hurt.  Seriously.

  I'm not sure where this life is going to lead me...  but I'm tired of the beaten path.  I'm tired of never making it out on top... put to the side by the people I love... and hurt with words that cut deeper than any knife.

Not normally...

  Now, normally I don't post so close to another day... but I had yet another fucking dream with Kendall... and I need to write it down.  It's been looming in my head all day and it's getting rather annoying on what the fuck it means and WHY I must continue on this path of dreaming about her.  I actually, tried to go back to bed, so I could jump back into my dream.  I failed in that effort, only laying awake missing her.  Yes, 9 months later.

  Now my dream, which I remember as vividly as I remember the other dreams.

  We were somewhere...  festive.  Citywide, something.  Parades and music.  Dancing in the streets.  We weren't out in it...  we were inside an old Victorian home.  It sorta resembled Baltimore house, without all the ghetto and shit.   But, it was beautiful, just as she was.  We're arguing.  Over what, I have no clue...  then people come into the house.  People I don't know.  We stop fighting.  Then out of nowhere, I feel it.  This overwhelming sense to kiss her.  So, I lean in and she kisses me back.  I can literally feel her lips pressed against mine as my heart hits the floor.  I wrap my arms around her and suck her into me, just as I used to.  I feel the love...  passed back and forth between her and I.  I love her.  I'm immersed with her in my dream as I am not able to anymore.  I feel like she is going to be there forever.  We walk outside, hand in hand... almost forgetting why we were arguing.  We sit and she rests her head on my shoulder.  I feel so needed.  We listen to the world around us as the world celebrates whatever it's celebrating.

  Her finger grasp mine tightly.  (Yes, I remember all of this from my dream.)  We sit while the sun goes down.  Then it gets dark... I turn, look into her beautiful blue eyes and kiss her.

  Then I wake up.

  Why...

  Why do you continue to torment me with the love I have for you.  God damnit.  Do you have any idea what you've done to my heart?  My mind?  Fuck....

  Well, I wrote about it...  I have nothing more to say without falling to tears.  I can't do that here at work... I can't do it at home.  I don't need people questioning if I am alright.  I'm not alright.  I'm without the 2 things in my life, I needed the most.  You and them.  Damn you for doing this to me.

~John

My dreams are great, until I wake up...

  I keep having the same dreams.  Kendall and I are talking.  Things are somehow fixed.  I accept her and everything that has happened.  It feels so real.  We tuck the kids in for bed and then lay down together.  No sex...  just my arm around her and the biggest smile on my face.  She's with me.  She loves me.  The woman I would do anything for... is here in my arms.

  Then I wake up.

  It puts tears in my eyes.  Always.  I lay awake thinking for another 45 minutes to an hour about everything in my dream and then recapping all the bullshit that's happened to us over the last 9 months.  How the fuck did this happen?  I then lay and think about everything we had been through over the last 5 years and I still ask...  How the fuck did this happen?  I always loved her and I knew that then, as much as I know it now.  I never saw her out of my life.  I never told her and I would never admit it, but I guess she was my soulmate.  I was never really sure what to call it or her...  I just knew that I wanted to be with her and only her always.

  Now, we're not even friends.  At first, it's because I didn't want it.  Not to say that's the same now...  but she's so settled in her new life, new baby coming, new marriage...  everything new... she'll never turn back.  She'll never see in me, what made her love me so much at one time.  It's a lost cause and it's best if I get to the point where I am moving on.  I am TRYING...  I really am.  But daily, I think about her.  For the last 9 months, she has been the main thing running through my mind constantly.  Then in a VERY close second, its the kids.  Possible because, I spend time with them, I don't feel I'm at a total loss...  I wish I could just breathe her.  Just put my arm around her and tell her once more...  I love you.

  Its like she's died.  I said that before and it's not a clue in to something I want...  but honestly everywhere she was in my life, she is now completely erased.  The feelings I have, are still here... while I grieve with being without the one I love.  And still, my dreams fucking haunt me.  Pictures, memories, feelings and emotions still float throughout my brain, while I am drained on reality.  Still in a state of shock.  When...  ohh fucking when... will this go away?

  I work to take my mind off it.  Still, it does nothing.  I drink to take my mind off it.  Still, it does nothing.  Sometimes and I mean RARELY anymore...  I smoke...  and still...  it does nothing.  I write and while I feel clarity by the time I reach the end of these entries...  I am still wondering, what our future will hold for us.  The world works in VERY crazy ways.  Katrina left me once for Travis.  In 3 years, she was divorced.  Will this happen with Kendall...  will I ever have a chance again?  Will I ever be able to show her the strength I have now?  Can I prove it to her?  With Katrina, I quickly grew hate, just to get over the love.  I still feel love for Katrina, but not in that way anymore.  It would take me falling in love with her all over again for me to get back to the way I was.  But, it's not the same with Kendall.  I have only hated the things she's said to me.  Not her.  I can't even force myself to act that way.  I just don't understand...

  Lord, help me.

~John

The best dreams = the worst wakeup.

It so hard to believe that I am still running through the emotions of Kendall being gone. I wish I wasn't, but also glad I am. It validates what I felt for her. I never hid it, but now I have to. My dreams lately have been getting the best of me. Some so real... It's hard to want to wake up.

One I can remember is arguing with her. Then we make up... Kiss and go to bed. I can almost feel her next to me. She falls asleep. I stay awake. I'm crying, because I'm so happy. Then I wake up and realize she's not there. Those tears of happiness turn to sorrow and it eats me alive. On top of it, I remember the dream. We have tons of dreams we forget... But this one I remember crystal clear and I think that's why it hurts so much. Almost a week later, through a hurricane and earthquake... This dream still sticks out. I wish I could go back to bed and have it again... But I don't want to wake up. I'd rather live in the dream. I still miss her. I need to stay away from her. Every time I see her, I want to tell her I love her and how much of a fool I was. It'll never do me any good. She's gone. Who am I kidding. Anyway, I love her still despite what she's done and what I did. I never stopped and I doubt I ever will.

Someone someday may come and capture my heart..: but it'll never be the same. It won't be her.

~John

Does it truly ever end?

  I had hoped by now that you'd be lost from my mind.  I've seen you more than I can take, but I quickly hold my feelings back when I don't want to.  I still want to act that childish ridiculous manner, that pushed you further from me than I can comprehend.  My mind can't handle being away from you, when I've spent so long training my mind to be with you.  It still wants to be there.  It still tells me that someday you might be back, when I know honestly you won't.

  No longer Kendall (edited and deleted).  It's Kendall (edited and deleted) now.  Glowing with pregnancy...  preparing to make Will a very happy husband and a father.  It's too much for my brain to handle.  I said it last post...  I'm happy your happy.  I'm not happy being without you.  I'm not happy missing you.  I'm upset with myself for letting you go.  Maybe, I didn't try hard enough.  Maybe it was my fault...  maybe it wasn't.  I just wish I had one more chance.  One more chance to change our lives.  To fulfill all the dreams I ever had with you.  My mind doesn't want to let you go.

  I'm dating.  It's not working.  Progress though, right?  I'm not sure.  I'm still thinking about you, when I'm with them.  I've never gone through this with anyone.  Sure, women have come and gone in my life...  and I thought for a short time that I would be with them forever...  but honestly...  I believe fate brought you to me.  We had children...  we made a family...  and it's one that I miss as much as I miss you.  Will these journal entries ever stop?  I don't know.  Some are good days.  Some are bad.  I think about you during all of them.

  You gave me the kids for a few days.  I loved having them.  But, it's still a grim reminder that they will leave.  They will go "home" and away from daddy.  I'm forced with so much, that I just cannot handle.  You've gotten the girls used to calling Johnathan - Jana.  Why?  Does it bother you to call him after his father, that you have to replace his name with a nickname?  How long can I expect that to go on?  Alora updates me on your pregnancy.  I don't know why... let-a-lone can I take, hearing it.  Nothing against you...  or her...  just the ugly truth.  The pain in my heart that cries out, being without you.  Your new life.  Your new family and my absence from it all.

  I thought about running away.  So far away that I'd never see any of you again.  I thought about suicide.  I have never thought about harming you or the kids.  Never.  Not once.  Not even Will, though the advice I was given, was.  It's not in me, as it never was.  But in the end, I cannot do any of those things.  I can't leave the kids.  I love them too much.  I'm doing what I need to do to be closer to them.

  I still wipe the tears from my eyes.  I still dream about you... and somehow hope that you'll call me and talk to me.  Even if it's about nothing at all.  I'm pathetic and I know it.  And I'm hiding it well, so others are constantly asking me...  "Are you okay?"  I'm not okay.  I'm still in love with you.  I'm still crushed that you're not in love with me anymore.  That every thing we've ever done together is all gone.  Will this ever end?  *sigh*

  I stared at the stars for hours last night, making wishes on stars that have never come true.  Still...  I can't give up.  Especially on something as simple as a wish.  I still love you.  I remember every moment I was ever lucky enough to spend with you.  And even moreso, I drown myself in them, because it's all I have left.  I'm sorry.

Goodbye my love.
~John

8 months today...

I remember what you said...  I remember how you made me feel.  I thought I was your one and only... your soulmate... your true love.  Then I found out differently.  Despite everything I've had to go through and the feelings I've had to battle daily as I think about the person you are, I am still left with the constant reminder of how you chose someone else over me.  You gave up on me, like many people give up playing a game or higher education.  You quit.  And on top of quitting, you left me for someone else, almost instantaniously.  You broke me.  You didn't just leave me...  you left me asking why...  why this way.

Didn't you know the feelings I had for you?  Didn't you understand how much we've gone through together to make this, so utterly difficult for me to just accept.  You think I am not a man, but the fact that I am still standing here in some degree or fashion professing my love, is a shear testiment to how much I truly did love you.  At first I thought it was just proving it to myself.  But, after antilyzing the situation a million times in my head, thinking about you constantly, dreaming about you...  hell...  even reminising about our love has been able to get me this far.  Do I think you're coming back.  No...  does it stop me from loving you...?  No.

I've spent a lot of time with Catherine.  She is currently getting ready to move in about a week or so, to the West Coast.  California.  I've spent much time with her and done things I never dreamed I would do with anyone.  New exciting things I, really enjoyed doing.  I waited 7 dates, before sleeping with her and even then... I've had some issues.  Personal ones, but never-the-less I am okay with talking about here.  We have had sex, if that's what you can call it.  I can get hard and an erection, but cumming is an entirely different issue.  I just can't.  I haven't yet, counting the dozens of times that we have slept with one another.  I have yet to cum.  It's been raw...  it's been dirty...  hell, I even thought some anal might do it... but still here I am, clouded mind thinking about the woman I truly want to be with.  The one I fantasize about constantly and imagine that I am somehow still connected with.  I'm pathetic I'm sure.  Perhaps I am just still adjusting.  But, then again... why should I.  Why should I settle on this.  I love Kendall, even still...  I still do, despite.

I've had to overcome many things and in a lot of ways have been backed into a corner with this.  From everything I have commented about with the kids and the things I've had to personally overcome, I just don't see this as being something that's going to be easy for me to do.  When it comes to the kids, I've had things held against me, so that I haven't been able to see them as often as I'd like.  I'd had things restricted against me.  I've missed phone calls with the kids with little or no warning.  Just made to figure things out.  Over the past week, I can say that things have slightly improved, but in the long run... not much has changed.  I am still striving to find what little time I have to spend with them, while I continue to repair my life.  Will this get me to a point where, she will see the man I am and accept the fact that deep down she still loves me, or am I honestly wasting my time hoping for something that'll never come true.  Who knows.  I just know that no amount of advice or help will help me see any light.  Call it stubborness...  call it foolishness...  I call it being hopelessly romantic.  Not giving up on what I truly believe.  I love her.  And there's isn't a .00001% that will believe otherwise.  Not a doubt in my mind that I'm full of shit.  Just the realization that I am wasting my time, loving someone more than life itself, than she could even show an ounce to me at this point in time.  Hell... not even consideration is at this point.  She hates me... and I'm pretty convinced of that.  She hates the fact that she ever was with me... or wasted time on me.  She doesn't have to say it... in fact, she'd probably deny it... but overall... I know.  She doesn't love me.  Not in any sense of the word, LOVE.  But it still, won't kill my love.  Not yet.  There's too much invested.  And while no good will probably come from this, it won't stop me from loving her any less.

I've crossed some lines lately, trying to gain some ground over my children.  I've said things I certainly don't mean... but damnit, what the fuck else am I supposed to do when she basically denies me from spending time with the souls I raised over the last 3 years.  It's heartbreaking...  it's painful.  How can she...  replace me so easily as their father... when I am not a deadbeat, abusive or angerfilled father.  I'm a father hurt and trying to do the best I can.  Nothing more can be said.

Anyways, I feel that this is somewhat a good update.  I will try to add more at a later time to gain more perspective and to try and figure some things out within myself.

I've wanted to tell you for months...

I love you.  I still love you with everything within me.  I miss you.  You were my bestfriend... my lover and the greatest woman I have ever had the pleasure to have children with.  I wish you could see that... and understand the things I didn't always have the chance to show you, but always felt.  I truly hope your life is happy, even if its without me... I just wish I was that lucky man to get you there.  Please forgive my wrongs, as I have done to you so easily over the years.  Goodnight my love.  Here's hoping I can live another day without going crazy, without your love.

~John

So much to do, so little time.

Where to begin. I am using a new app from my phone that allows me to post from my phone. A lot has happened lately. Ive been dating though its been a little hard to change my heart. Overall I just see it as a good thing that I have been getting out more and trying new things. I met a woman named Catherine. Shes pretty cool. Intelligent and unique in a lot of new refreshing ways. I like her a lot, but have been taking my time. Shes moving to LA in a month or so, so Im afraid to get invested into her.

So far we've gone to a Burlesque show, a womans roller derby and a few other places in which we've had a lot of fun with. Shes got 2 adorable kids. Max and Audrey. I have yet to meet them, but all in due time I guess. Ive been speading a good amount of time with Catherine. We've seen each other almost every weekend for coming on... The 3rd week. We've kissed goodnight, but really no further than that. Personally, Im just not pushing it. If it happens, it'll happen. :)

Kendall apparently got married. Her friends told me. At first it didnt bother me... But the next morning when I actually had time to think about it... It caused me to break down. I cried for about 45 minutes on and off throughout the day. I just couldnt believe it. I was replaced fairly quickly... But this fast? I just dont get it. How could she ever claim that she loved me . It hurt. It really hurt. I mean, Im okay that she wants to be happy... But this was just plain insulting.

My life feels like she was almost never part of it. It saddens me to feel that way, when I was proud to love her and honored that she loved me. I stood by her side, watched her give birth to my kids... Everything. And now, I am to go on pretending that she was not important to me at all. Id be lying to myself. Ive also been seeing the kids, less and less. That hurts even more. I need them in my life. Like I need water on a hot day. Like I need air. I miss them.

I want to fight and take this to court. But I feel Im losing touch with who I am, in doing so. Im not that kind of man. But I also feel like shes hurting me on purpose. Shes taking the kids from me more and more. I just feel so much like I need to fight back. *sigh*. I wish I could wake up from this dream. I wish I could just wake up from this nightmare.

Gnight.
~John

Breaking the streak...

  Well...  there's been something wrong with me.  I know this is a little more than I even need to explain, but I must.  Let me explain.  Ever since Kendall, I haven't had sex with anyone else.  At first, it was a moral choice.  I felt like despite the fact that we were over... it still felt like cheating.  I had been with this woman for the last 5 years and never once felt something for someone else.  I had a brief feeling for Tracy, but just that childish puppy love I had years ago.  I have fooled around.  Don't confuse that.  I am however, only human...  but full sex, I could not do.  I'm not sure why.  If fact, I should go as far as saying I wasn't aroused by anyone else other than my ex.  She was everything I wanted and thought I would need out of a woman.  Trying new women, just hasn't been completely done it for me.  Seriously.  It's been 7 months and 18 days, since I've been with Kendall.  I miss it to be honest... but doubt VERY much, after having whatever go on now.  And not like there weren't men before me...  It's just disrespectful.  She lost me.  And that ability too.

  Anyways...  like I was saying.  I dropped my streak.  With Catherine last night and earlier today.  Last night, I was too tired to really keep myself aroused.  This morning I couldn't concentrate and was embarrassed for the second time about my malfunctioning penis.  Any girl prior, I've had to go through extensive measures to get myself to the point of "Bang".  I tried a 3rd time, hoping that I would go.  It was the first time in a long time since I had SEX sex with anyone.  Hard to keep it hard.  Personally, I think it was more psychological than anything else.  I do feel better...  much.  But, still dealing with what's in my brain.  I guess it'll get easier.  I used to think, that it had a lot to do with Kendall and loving her...  but it's been long enough and I need to get back to trying to have a simple relationship with a woman.

And it's been a while...

  A year ago...  I couldn't remember a time where I looked past my life.  My immediate life.  The life of Kendall...  the life of my children...  the things that would someday come true to me.  I couldn't remember a time, when I was alone or lost.  I could only think of those things that occupied every moment in my life.  To me, I had cherished them.  Maybe outside, it was different...  but in my heart, it was alive and vibrant as each day changed and blossomed.

  A year ago...  I couldn't imagine where I am today.  Stronger, but in pieces.  Willful, but empty.  Searching...  but for what, I couldn't say.  It's an endless rollercoaster of unknowns.

  A year ago...  I had everything, despite having nothing.  Living in desperation and struggling to make it through...  but not taking for granted.  Accepting of all of the worlds cracks and faults and assuming, that it was okay.

  A year ago...  I saw my best friend.  Standing by my side.  Holding my hand, with the ring that takes me back to the most nervous night of my life.  I saw a person who I loved to touch and feel close to me.  Who knew me.  Who loved me.

  Today...  I ask why.  I know I won't get an answer.  I never have.  That's just my luck.  In times, where the question is so utterly important...  I never got my answer.

  Tomorrow...  I don't know what to do.  I go with the flow and I tell myself to just go.  I fight against the tides.  I stand my ground, but for what?  What am I gaining?  What am I losing?  What have I already lost.

  Tomorrow...  I want to run.  I want to escape.  I want to cry.  It'll get me nowhere to do any of those things.  It'll make me as pathetic as I am today.  I'll have no courage to take on the world that I am left to live in.  But, still I ask.

  Kylie...

  She turned 4.  My precious daughter.  2 of 2 daughters.  No legal right to number 1.  Nothing more than a simple name, I've gotten used to being called.  Nothing more than her dependency on me to be her father, unchanging as I've always been and the love I truly have for her.  But Kylie, I remember.  The shocking feeling to know that I helped create this child.  The life it brings to me, to see me in her.  My smile in her.  My silliness in her.  Will she remember me as this great man?  Will she hear the negativity that surrounds my name now, relentlessness... believing I am that man?  Or will she see the real father behind these eyes, hugs and hopes?

  I just don't know.  Not knowing scares me.  Did I do enough?  Could I have done more?  Was there a point, I could've saved us?  I wish I knew then, what I know now.  I believe every word I say.  I'd stake my existence on it.  I know now, how extraordinarily important it was to me.  I knew then...  but now I know.

  When will my heart stop this?  When can I let go?  Be strong.  Press on.

~John

A proud week, however...

    Well, it's been a week...  well...  of craziness. 

  A day or two from Memorial Day.  I went to the rents, because the kids were supposed to go over and spend some time with my parents with the wonderful additional me.  I worked all day and then took the bus or was picked up by a family member, to get back to the kids.  I loved all the time I got with them, not wasting a single minute.  Everything from camping to swimming.  Playing games and making smores.  I didn't waste a single second I got with my kids.  I would wake up the next morning get them dressed, fed and watched while I went to work.  I spent the time before work, making them smile and giggle.  We woke up in the tent, which was stuffy and uncomfortable for me...  but just right for them.  We'd call mommy.  We always do.  Can't say the same for mommy though.  I take what I can get.

  On Memorial Day, I had family over.  Extended.  Shane, my aunt Ronnie, my Uncle Tony, Uncle Franny, Shawn and Shannon, Che-rea and Ed.  I worked all day.  I sent Kendall a message asking to spend more time with the kids by having them spend the night again, after asking her what the kids plans were for the evening.  I asked this, because Kendall told my mother that the kids had Memorial Day plans and needed to get home that night for them.  When really, the kids were only going home to goto bed.  Kendall made a big deal about Alora needing to be on a schedule for school (in the fall).  I understood her, but I really just wanted more time with my kids, especially having the next day/morning off.  I had only seen them 3 days in a total of 2 1/2 months.  It's tearing me up inside.  She responded back with attitude and ignorance.  It's the same thing I've been getting, regardless how cool and candid I act towards her.  She only got worse, when I said that I don't get that much time with them and that this is very unfair to me.  She stood her ground.  She always did.  It's what I liked about her...  but like this?  I threatened a lawyer.  I've been robbed my time, my position and my need to be in their life.  I need to be in hers too, but I know it's pointless.  The harder I try, the harder she pushes back.

  I went back to my parents steaming and upset.  I cried, pulled myself together instantly, walked a few steps and could feel the tears well up as I thought about this person in a manner that I truly didn't want to.  I still want to love her and forgive and fix.  But, the anger is building as I am ripped from everything I truly love and cannot live without.  I'm not stupid and am moving on.  But the realization of this completely different life I wanted to have with my kids is just being taken.  I scratch at the walls and no one hears me.  I don't know heads or tails what my friends think... but I don't think it would be any easier on them.  I lost everything I love.  It didn't die or disappear...  it just replaced me... and I'm still here.

  She showed up to my parents with Will.  I wanted to lash out and I wanted to hide.  Why?

  My mom and I drank later that night.  I chewed back all the feelings I wanted to scream into the dark.  I held in how much I still care and how my mind, while okay... misses her.  I realize evenmoreso that she's gone because of me.  I had the ability to love her, more than I was.  I thought I was full of love.  I thought about her constantly.  And while we fought, it made me care even more.  She fell out of love, while I fell more into love.

God, I'm pathetic.

I went to Lori's school on Wednesday.  I went through great lengths to be there, as I promised Alora I would be.  I showed up early and waited by, excited to be doing something I had been dreaming for a while.  Kendall showed with Will in arm.  Alora ran to me and I scooped her up.  I got tears in my eyes a little, but wearing sunglasses hid a lot of that.  It meant the world to me to be there.  We went inside and I sat with Alora, who colored while the teachers, nurse and principal spoke.  Then the children stood in a line and walked away to see the rooms and classroom.  It took me back to my first day of school.  I followed the other parents into the room, squished entirely too close to Will, but in front of him, closer to Kendall and Alora.  Then we departed from the school and I said my goodbyes.  It wasn't long.  45 minutes.

  I got home the same way I got there.  2 trains and a bus.  I woke up early, dad dropped me off at the train station, took it to Philly, hopped on one there and took it to Jersey.  Then a short bus to the area to where the school was.  Eventually the kids went back to my parents house.  I spent the night again.

  I was outside having a very important heart to heart with my sister.  Who I love with all my heart, but is totally a du-pa.  My mom came out and said something about putting the girls on the floor for bed.  I wasn't really happy with this and said I didn't want them on the floor and if they could sleep somewhere else.  That started an argument which ended with my mom shouting "And that's why your wife left you...!"

  I couldn't believe it.  I wanted to cry even then.  To low-blow me like that.  I wanted to leave and I didn't want the kids staying.  I called Kendall to get permission, but she denied them leaving, even after explaining to her that my mother went totally overboard and right in front of the kids.  Things calmed down...  and when they did, I couldn't stop crying.  It rang through my head with every other ignorant comment I've heard from people I love, especially the women in my life.  Every word Kendall has ever said to me.  This distance from my kids.  My mother telling me I'm a loser and "why my wife left me".

  I couldn't hold it in, as much as I thought I needed to.  It went on for an hour, before my mother took notice or grew the courage to appologize for that totally fucked up comment.  I listened to her and she listened to me.  I cried.  She cried.  Talked about her cancer and why my dad stays away from her.  How I miss Kendall and need her in my life.  I don't know if she'll ever understand how I feel.  My mother or Kendall.  They take for granted too much.  I have too, but in a very different way.

I just dunno.

The next morning I had work.  I had a full 2 hours with the kids, in which I spent playing, dressing, tickling, breakfast and cartoons.  It was the best morning I've had in months, I swear.  I awoke to my kids and felt on top of the world, how I have missed them.

Friday I went to a party.  I went with Tom and Buddy.  Buddy brought a girl.  Mary.  She's nice.  We all went to Joe's house warming party, which had a wicked DJ.  We got drunk off Jager, Rum and beer.  I woke up with a bad hangover and still went into work.  Great night though.

I found out that I have to move.  Gary the landlord of this house, died back last summer.  He was murdered.  By the contractor who worked on this house, years ago when Kendall and I, and Dave lived here.  When we were raising the kids.  Anyways, eventually the house went through the bank and decided to evict us.  It sucks...  I'm leaving the only memories I have left of the life I wanted so much.  The days I saw my kids grow up here are going to be gone and I will be officially be starting all over.  I'm preparing for it.  Looking for room for rents until I can find a way to get a real apartment or house.


I dunno how I am going to do it.  I have so much pressure on me.  I just wish you were here.  You were my best friend and my soul mate.  I feel so lost without you.  I hope you never read this.

~John

Work.

  So, I recently got a job.  I like it.  It's tough, but I like it.  I work in a Cabinet store.  We sell, kitchen do-it-yourself cabinets.  They are very nice to be honest.  I work with a woman named Heather.  She's pretty cool.  35, mother and wife.  Pretty easy-going and cool to work with.  I'm learning a lot with her about the job.  Half of the job, is selling to the customer and working plans on the computer.  We reach out and get to know the customer on a semi-personal basis.  I remember a lot of my clients names.

  On top of a pretty decent paycheck...  I get an early start with the benefits package, which is very important to me.  Right now, the children aren't covered by any insurance since Kendall quit Rosetta Stone.  Here I am, working full-time and starting to save money, also covering the childrens insurance.  It should go into effect by June 1st, but also requires some other measure to be made, before it goes into complete effect.  But still, I am very excited with being able to do this for my children.  I haven't seen them in a week.  A lot of it, unfortunately is because I've been working almost every day.  I take an hour and 1/2 busride to work.  The 22 and the 1.  I hop off at the very last stop on the 1 and walk to work.  It takes 5 minutes.  3, if I jog... and I have jogged before.  I walk up a very steep hill and find refuge in a pink building.  Weird.  The showroom is quiet.  Sometimes I use my phone for music, while I clean-up or check orders and call customers.  (I lower it when speaking directly with customers.)

  Then usually, I get out around 6.  I walk another 5 minutes.  (Today I ran.  2 minutes... On Sunday's I literally catch the very last bus.)  I hop on the bus and then another hour and a 1/2 home.  Meet feet kill me.  I'm usually hungry.  And it's when I start missing the kids.  It when I start missing her.  Some days she's so intolerable.  Others she still amazes me.  How I wish I didn't know her right now.

  Work is good, but I know there is room for me to improve.  It's been almost 3 weeks and I think I'm getting better daily.  And that's all that is important to me.  I have realistic plans.  I signed up for help siminar for Wilmington University.  Get some help with financial aid and take some classes.  Graduate with a degree.  I'm going out to engagements.  Hitting up some bars.  Trying to date.  I'm planning on going skydiving sometime this year.  I have a lot of goals.  I will have a car soon.  :)  Just one day at a time.

~John

<--- Sperm Donor...

  It's been irking me since she said those words to me.  On top of a majority of other fucked up things she's said.  Let me start at the beginning I guess.  I never expected it to go as far as it did and turn into what it did.  I just said my peace, because honestly, it's been one of those things that's been tearing me up from the inside out.

  The kids have been calling Will daddy.  We got that far.  I talked to Kendall about it a week ago and she said that she's neither denied it or officially confirmed it.  Last night, after talking to the kids on the phone, I wanted to talk to her.  Kylie and Lori, both said something along the lines of Will-Step-daddy, something... and I need to stop hearing that from my children, who've known this man for 4 months... and been living with them for almost 2.  I told her how upsetting it was the hear something like that, constantly, when both of them really don't understand the meaning of it.  That it hurts and I don't really appreciate the disrespect of her allowing it.  That became an argument.  Probably because of the fact that, I was a bit aggressive with it.  Lets be honest...  I'm tired of being hurt.  I'm tired of her words cutting through me...  I'm tired of being discluded and I'm tired of being accused of this, that or the other.  But one thing, became the next thing... that became the next thing... until she said it.  "Sperm Donor".

  The honest to god's truth, is that I don't want to give up on the idea of Kendall.  While, I am pushing myself to try other things and to see what dating is like out there...  I still want to fix things with my ex.  How can anyone ever truly believe they love someone, if they can easily snap out of it.  I can't.  I don't know any man who can... and those who do, don't really love someone.  Apparently, I didn't care enough for her or love her enough to do anything.  I was never around and never involved.  But, every time we fight, there's always something new I have to overcome within the situation.  It was...  "You didn't work... you're not a man...  da da da..."  This time, it's I didn't care enough... I was selffish and da da da.  I was listening and I can tell you pretty much the whole conversation word for word.  BUT... most of it doesn't matter.  Most of it, is exactly what I knew I'd be hearing.  Painful things, that lead into her opening her floodgates of words and unleashing it's wrath on me.

  But there was a few things I didn't expect to hear.  I heard the typical.  I'm delusional, because my heart wants to believe I can change enough to bring back my wife and my kids.  She says I should give up on that hope.  I won't ever...  I just think there will come a time, where I won't say it anymore.  That's what she claims.  Maybe she's right, maybe I am delusional, to believe that everything I went through with her was worth something in the end.  Maybe I am crazy, because I BELIEVE in what's in my heart and it's not just something I can "get over" in 5 months. 

  In the heat of the argument, she tells me that I'm basically just a sperm donor.  And brings up my past relationship, as a failure in my book.  "She must have left you for a reason John... are you seeing a pattern?"  I'm not ever saying I didn't make mistakes.  I'm not ever saying, I didn't fuck up...  or act selfishly at times.  I'm SAYING... I love Kendall... and that because of that, I want to fix and better myself.  I'm saying that despite my fuck-ups, I'm willing to work them out however they may be.

  It just still sticks out in my head.  She said it as a passing, ignorant joke almost... but still the words, rock my foundation.  "What, a sperm donor?"  How dare you...  How fucking dare you.

This rollercoaster blows.

  Since January, it's been a constant challenge to my integrity and patience.  I've had to question things about myself and my surroundings that I never imagined and those I once trusted, I feel I cannot anymore.  It's been a constant rollercoaster of emotions that has me back and forth.  And still... in all of my rage, hate, anger, pain and anything I've been unfortunate enough to feel...  I still think about her.  In the greatest moments of our lives.  The look of exhaustion on her face, after giving me beautiful babies.  Holding her hand as her strength.  It doesn't hurt to think about those moments.  It reminds me that what I felt was more real than anything I read in a book.  It's hard to get over... and still...  I don't want to look at her the same as the rest.

  I'd still adore and be head over heels, if it wasn't for the growing realization of what I've lost.  Of the reminder that, now consumes the life I once lived.  They're calling him daddy.  If it's her causing this or not, is unknown... but I know that she knows its happening and isn't or hasn't stopped it from happening.  It's been eating at me.  I'm their father, irreplaceable even in the event of death.  I love them and always have... and that's why it is that way.  I've taught them and raised them, teaching them a majority of the knowledge they have today.  Singing songs, counting, letters, jokes, manners and disciplines.  I did the best I could, under the circumstances I had. 

  That's what hurts.  Besides loving a person who doesn't love you anymore...  hearing my children call another man daddy hurts.  It was an accident before, but lately it seems its been encouraged.  Alora told me that, mommy said it was okay.  Kendall says that Alora, asked her if she could...  Regardless...  wouldn't you discourage that, if he is not indeed their father??  It would be like me, leaving Kendall...  bringing a new woman into my life in no-time and then teaching or allowing the kids to call this new woman, "mommy".  How would Kendall feel?

  I'm currently awaiting the kids to call me.  I have a really bad headache and have been thinking about them all day.  And yes, her too...  I really hope she didn't forget, after I reminded her yesterday, called and left a message tonight and was basically promised that I would get to talk to them.  I had hoped they could spend the night, but last night they went to some event at Dorian's mom's house.  I went to one of the events and actually had a lot of fun.  This is just so weird.  It's hard even now, with all this time gone by... that it's over.  Maybe it's the changes that seem to work less and less in my favor when it comes to her life and being involved in the kids lives.  She calls the space we share awkward.  I couldn't agree more.  But, I also won't accept any of the blame for it.  It's a reaction, based on the circumstances she's created.  I never give up.  But, I know that time will change many things.  That like everyone else in my life, our paths will cross again and the world will become topsy-turvy again.

  For now, I'm trying my luck on dating sites.  I feel ridiculous, but looking for a date.  Someone to meet, talk with and find some sort of connection.  I doubt much good will come from it, but it's worth a shot.

~John

50/50

  I think that there is more going on than I can just contain to Kendall.  Or to the "Wow"... which isn't.  I think it's becoming more than what I could say about the children, their absence from my parents and family... and what's been going on with my mom.  And still, I am standing.  I went to work, held back the tears and bit the fucking bullet.

  Where to begin.  I guess my mom.  She has cancer.  At least, from what I am told.  I don't believe my mom to be lying about it... but, it's almost too much right now.  There's a mess going on in her bits and pieces area.  They don't know how bad, but that it is... bad.  Causing bleeding, discomfort and a lot of other scary things to my ears.  It's too much.  We got into a typical argument the other day...  and when I say we... I mean her... and when I say argument, I mean her saying hurtful things to me.  Almost over nothing...  I let it slide, knowing her condition and how sick she has been feeling, but I still can't say it doesn't hurt.

  My mom did see the kids though, on Tuesday.  Kendall took them by to see their grandparents, which is very important to me.  I still haven't seen them in a month.  It's really bothering me.  When I get to talk to them on the phone, I have a hard time holding myself together.  Alora is usually a joy to talk to, but Kylie always says the wrong thing.  "Mommy and Will are getting married"  "Daddy was mean to mommy"  "I love you Will...."  I hung up once, because of this.  It hurt so much, it brought me to tears.  It brings me to tears now.  But, I'm still doing my best, with everything inside of me, to be there for them.  It's almost impossible from my end of the deal.  I have to rely on her to bring them to me.

  I asked for Kendall's help with getting a few things fixed.  It's probably wrong of me to ask for a loan, to take care of a few things... but there was a time that we were a family.  And I'm trying to do everything possible to help lessen the load and be around more for my kids.  I know she got a big tax-return from all the work she did and money back for the kids...  It'll probably go towards creating her new life.  I still think it was a little greedy of me to even ask, but when we talked about it months ago, she was okay with it.  But immediately shot me and the idea down.

  It's not about the money or help.  I just know I'm trying to do everything I can to prove to her, that I'm a worthwhile man.  That she didn't give me the chance as much as she thinks she did.  That I deserve better than the rumors that have been sprouting and her cold heartless tone over the phone.  That if anything else... to help me see my kids.  More than anything, that's what I miss.  Their pictures litter my room in places I often look.  Drawings and paintings that remind me of that greater days.  Proof to myself, that I'm very lucky to have them.

  I've come to the point where, while I miss her... I don't want her back.  While, I love her with all my heart, I'm beginning to hate her for her lies and deceit.  If I didn't have to, I wouldn't see her.  But, with Lori, Kylie and Johnathan in the picture, I'm forced to.  What can I really do?

  Finally...  the "Wow"...  Well...  after staying the night at a friends house.  I thought about the "wow" all day.  Not consumed, but certainly well, wowed.  Knocked off my feet, thinking maybe... just maybe, she was feeling as alive as I was.  I called a friend for advice.  He knows her, I want to know her better, I ask him what to do.  In the middle of asking, she texts me, asking if I told anyone.  I'm curious.  She's blunt.  "I'd really like to keep this between us."  "I wasn't thinking clearly" and "the most we can ever be, is friends."  Ouch...  burned.  And another woman does it again.  And it only took her 36 hours this time.

Besides starting my new job...  my week has been rough.  I will try to talk more about my job at another time.  But, lets give it some time to stew and I'll make it a whole post.  If it wasn't for starting work this past week, this weekend would have really sucked.  I am tired from work, but it's overall evened out my week.  A positive against the negative.  Here's praying to making it to next weeks grind.

~John

What was that? Holy shit.

Wow...  I just want to start off that way.  Wow.  Now, this post, isn't going to be the same as the usual stuff goes.  Nothing has really changed on my perspective about Kendall...  But, why ruin a good mood, talking about how I miss a person who has literally destroyed me and is trying to erase me from her new life.

I don't want to use her name.  Not Kendall's...  the "Wow" woman.  We'll just keep it that way for right now.  I'll have to be vague too, but still describe it enough to read this and remember how awesome it was.  Now, I've known this wow woman for a long time, but never pursued anything with her other than our friendship...  and while I've thought about it, I never thought it was possible.  We went dancing.  I drank, probably more than I should have.  I let her drink and drive which is the dumbest thing I've done in a long time...  had I been more coherent.  We got back to her place, talked for a while and then she thrust herself onto me and starts making out with me.  Then immediately the shirt and the pants come off.  I can't remember how aggressive I was, but I know that she was the more aggressive one there.  Things went to the bedroom.  And more cloths came off.  She wanted to fuck.  Totally.  Whispering it in my ear, taking the pants off...  Wow.  Right?

I don't know why.  I'd like to think it was partly because I was pretty intoxicated... and also because I wanted to move a little slower than this.  Not at all for my sake... but hers.  I don't want her to do something and then somehow regret it later.  So I slowed things down...  tucked her into bed and fell asleep on the couch.  Well, not completely nude.  But from the waist down.  Hmmm...  We woke up.  She "can't remember" what happened the night before.  And went about it, I guess like it almost never happened.  I wish that wasn't the case.  I find her irresistible and just wish there's a different way to go about this.  Can I fix this, in some way that will allow me to pursue her without it getting weird or have we passed the point?

Does she see anything in me?  She knows I'm pretty damaged, as she has gone through something similar.  But, is there anything that could come from it and if there is, how do I get to that point?  I guess the only way to find out is to pursue her.  Not immediately of course... but soon.  :)

But...  Wow.

~John