Getting used to it.

  I'm getting used to, something I don't want. 

  I'm getting used to looking at the woman I loved for so long, put me down, accuse me or complain to me.  Everything from her mouth is usually negative except the "talk to daddy" and seldomly, "Good."  I don't know why I still think about her when she's not here, dream about her and find myself in so many conflicts.  My intentions OF course, are never bad.  Just sadness, frustration, jealousy and loss.  I am still moving forward and those feelings will fade.  But, what's in my heart won't.  It'll never fade.  It hasn't yet.  Despite everything... up to this point, I will still try to find a way to work all of this out.  At least that's what my heart says.  It's not to fill a void, it's not to replace what's gone...  it's to make me happy.  To change my mindset to make it easier for me to do the things I want and need to do.  I know it'll never happen, but I know why I would want it back.  I'm not confused as to what my heart says.  I asked to marry this woman.  To have my 2 beautiful children with her, by her side.  She was my best friend.  Wouldn't you give your best friend another chance.  I'm not pursuing her.  I'm not making passes at her.  I'm trying to swallow hard and work cooperatively and in conjunction with my childrens lives.  There's a lot of things I have to overcome... and I'm getting used to that too.

  I'm getting used to seeing the kids in small visits.  I hate this.  I truly do miss my children everyday.  I love the 3 days I do get with them...  I love spending all of my time with them.  I love to teach, play, sing, dance, tickle, laugh and the conversations we have.  Sure, I'm tired, exhausted, worn and still have to face the one person in the world I don't think I can.  But, when we're all sitting on the couch, watching a movie... and I can reach down to 3 little heads, resting on their father...  I melt.  I happily tilt my head up to "a god" and thank them for getting me to this moment again.  It's my only drive.  Otherwise, I wouldn't be here.  I'm not an idiot...  but I know that if I didn't have children, I would have done something stupid to myself.  Seeing Kendall go through what's changed in her life in the last 9 months, I probably would have ended my life.  It's so soon.  So, I thank my children.  That you for giving me a reason to continue on going.  You have no idea how hard all of this is for me and you're father is working so very hard to become closer to you.  I'm sorry for everything that's happened in your life so far, but I do love you and you are the best people to ever happen to me.  I'm doing the best I can.

  I'm getting used to, work.  It's been a rough month, but it's improving.  We're pushing to bring in more contractors and generate business.  We're working directly with customers and contractors alike.  Work has been slow.  Only making the time go slower and more time to think about all the problems in my life.  I try to get myself fairly involved.  It'll get better.  Dunno what to do when I move, but I'll figure something out.  Maybe, I'll take the train everyday.  I'll figure it out.

  I'm getting used to, dating blunders.  Welcome to the internet.  Where you can meet women from your computer.  Right out of some cheesy soft-core pron.  The girls come in many varieties, but usually ignore.  Sure, I have lots of things that just go completely against what I've got and working for.  I don't have a car, I hardly have a home, I have 3 children (which isn't baggage to me, but it is for some women.)  It's nothing against my children, but I also understand too.  I'm getting used to being single.  And I totally don't like it.  I don't want a relationship either...  and to be even more honest...  I don't even want to have sex.  I just want someone to talk to.  Someone to spend time with.  Someone to have fun with.  And I'm just not finding that.  It sucks.  I'm lonely.  Just even for some companionship.  It just makes me think about Kendall even more.  Every moment I was ever lucky enough to hold her hand.  I really do miss her.

  I'm getting used to the ongoing drama here in the house.  Luckily days the kids come over, people keep it to a real minimum.  But, once their gone... it's a Jerry Springer show.  My sister, argues with her man all day, while she does menial things around the house.  Really, she has 1 or 2 chores at best and complains about it, when she doesn't work... goto school or even pay her portion of the rent.  My mom has given me a break for the last 2 weeks, because of the smaller paychecks.  I have 1 sitting, 1 I am getting Friday still 30 bucks in my wallet.  I'm no closer to saving for a car, with all the tugging at my wallet.  Roy wants another 15, 75 for rent, storage unit, with houses Kendall's pictures and junk from the house that she never picked up and her mothers piano.  120 for that, 100 per week for child insurance.  I'm hardly saving.  I spend little on myself.  And money for the bus and lunch.  I need to move.  I know I can find an inexpensive place...  but do I want to try and make it to Philly or look for another place here in Wilmington?  I want to move to Collinswood, not far from the kids.  I'm thinking that's not a good idea or to choose a place that isn't far, but far enough.  I don't want to be involved in Kendall's life.  She's hurt me so bad...  I have to resist how I feel in my heart and remember how she just walked away.  It's all about the kids.

  I'm getting used to, the dreams.  About 50% of my dreams involve in one way or another Kendall.  The situation is always better than what it is now.  It's confusing.  I wish I didn't miss her.  I thought not seeing her for a while, would help me stop thinking about her.  But it didn't.  I was sorta forced to do it anyways.  It kills me inside.  Soon, I am going to have to do more than I can handle.  Johnathan's Birthday is coming up.  I am going to throw the party.  She'll be there and so will all of the people who agreed with her decision.  It'll be hard to overcome, but I have to do it for my son.  I have to swallow hard.  Christmas is coming up.  It's Kendall's due date.  Well, Christmas Eve.  I know, because she told me.  Fucking joy.  Is she rubbing it in?

  I needed this.  After almost 2 weeks of shit on my mind...  problems, issues and of course, Kendall.  How can someone love someone and hate someone at the same time?  I think it's I love her... but hate what she did.  I just didn't think it was like her.  Someone I knew so well...  who knows me so well...  flipped.  Held this all from me.  Lied to me, time and time again.  And has enjoyed her new found freedom of speech, that belittles me and baffles me.  Shouldn't I be, mad at her??  Not the other way around?  I dunno.  I just don't know anymore...

  I'm getting used to confusion.
  I'm getting used to disappointment.
  I'm getting used to hearing "The other adult".
  I'm getting used to this void.
  I'm getting used to my local bar.

  I'm not drinking much.  Maybe once a week I pop in after work.  I talk with some of the regulars.  Pretty dynamic people.  And still, somehow I bump into people connections.  I've been teaching a kid there, only 28 how to play darts.  Funny... we both went to Brandywine.  I don't make it a habit.  But it is nice to sit and talk, enjoy a beer and watch a little news.  And it keeps me away from the loonies at home.  It's a nice little escape, but it's not forever. 

  I'm getting used to all this crap.  I want to get used to something happy.  Besides spending time with the kids, I don't have much on this list.  And there's lot of other things I haven't even mentioned yet.  My mind is just so jumbled.  What the hell do I do?

~John