I woke up today with no idea why I keep having these kinds of dreams. Kendall is in them. Always; in one form or fashion. She's always beautiful in them, understanding and compassionate. If only it were that way when I see her. I mean, she is beautiful. I always thought so... but now it just fucks with my psyche. Why can't I just let go. Why?! I want to shout it into the air in some unrealistic fashion that I'll actually get an answer!
I had a dream I, that I broke in. A house that was in no way conventional. BIG, OLD, Victorian. I frantically looked for Kendall. Will confronted me and I shouted at him. He walked away mad. I met up with Kendall and rested my arm on her shoulder. Her touch soothed me even in my dreams. Mostly I talked, complaining about the unfairness of all of this. About not having the kids enough, being lied to and ultimately taking away everything I loved. And then I ran. I didn't harm her or Will, I just ran. Out of the house and down the road. I cried of course, as confused and hurt as the first day all of this happened. It was like reliving that night in Baltimore. God I wish I could erase my memory. If I only, never checked her phone... I wish I never found that email.
I woke up in tears. I didn't know how to react. I couldn't even breathe, I cried for so long, around 45 minutes. I cried longer than when I heard Kylie refer to Will, as daddy. I kept it quiet and to myself, crying into Kylie's monkey pillow. How am I going to get through this? A year ago, this beautiful intelligent woman was by my side. Claiming that she loved everything about me... even the things I don't love about myself. I was lucky enough to wake up everyday by her side. Our souls were connected from the very beginning... and then we made souls.
Had all this taken a different turn, I might not be falling apart. Maybe, if I had a chance... rather than such an abrupt end. I had her everyday in my life and then no days. And the days I am lucky enough to see her face, I'm reminded of the baby in her belly. I'm greeted with kindness and patience. A glimpse of the woman I love/d. And when she returns, she rude, rush and runs. There is no us. Something that was so important and special to me. Something I had waited for, 25 years. Fate. (Which I never truly believed in all those years. Never once) It ended in the worst possible way. It kills me inside. It's a cruel fucked up joke, to whomever is controlling my fate.
I know one day I will get over this. I'll grow strong enough to keep going forward with no need to dwell. But with my dreams now... how can I not forget? It pushes me to my very edge. It turns a wonderful "not think about Kendall day"... into a depressive, tiresome, worn out state, where crying in the corner would be sufficient. My dreams are having such a profound affect on me. They tease me with her while I sleep. It's like standing in a dungeon cell, seeing her... but never allowed to touch her.
They trick me into what I want and what my soul needs to be strong... and then I wake up and reality kicks in. My brain during the day, tells me to move on. To keep pushing hard at doing good and accomplishing things. And while I sleep, it fills itself with arguments and love, strife and pain, sensuality and happiness and all of the little things. The smell of her hair, feeling her heartbeat right next to mine and the notion that she loves and needs me. My dreams are specific and it's painful. How could I loose you? My best friend?
Urgg, there's just no hope for this post.
I'll feel better tomorrow.
~John
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