... Where do I begin.
A few days ago, I awoke in the worst way. A nightmare about having my family taken from me all over again. It went through everything that I had gone through in the last 10 months. And then it gave me a glimpse of the future. What scared me the most, was that Alora, Kylie and Johnathan weren't tied to me legally at all. I woke up in complete tears. I know that nothing can be done about Kylie or Johnathan, since they are biologically my children. To have them taken from me, would simply be against the law.
Alora, however... I have taken responsibility for her over the last 5 years and played the role that Kendall wanted me to play in her life. To be her father. To me, it's more than just a title... "Father". It's a legal responsibility I've wanted since the very beginning. In my heart, she's my daughter. To not be included in on the things in her life and have no say as a parental unit kills me. I accept her, as I take care of her medical insurance and have provided a lot of money and time into her school. To be ushered out of her life is so painful for me to deal with. I have literally NO say.
I voiced my concern to Kendall in a very confusing letter, that was written at 4 in the morning. I didn't know how to deal with the dream I had. I was scared, upset and half-asleep when I wrote it. I asked Kendall to ease my mind with this dream. I mentioned and talk a lot about all of the things that her and I had been through and why it scared me to believe and think something like this. I never got a straight answer. I asked her last night about it, hoping to ease the thoughts in my mind about becoming what I truly wanted. Something Kendall and I had discussed for years.
She answered me last night. She told me that, I will not be able to adopt Alora. She told me that she is going to have Will adopt her. I could feel my tears welling up and the shaking in my body. I wanted to just collapse to the floor and turn the phone off and breakdown. I sorta rushed the call, so I could do just that... breakdown. I cried in the bathroom for about 20 minutes, confused on where to even begin. I couldn't believe it. I still can't. It's really amazing how little I knew about this person I loved so much. She claimed to be my soul mate. She claimed to want me to become Alora's father. Now, I'm hearing every excuse in the book as to why I cannot. It's so upsetting and painful to think that I did NOTHING wrong, to get exactly what I've been getting through the last 10 months. I'm really unsure on what I can and should do. Even in the beginning of the end of everything, her and I discussed what was to be done about the kids. She had been telling me that the children are mine and that nothing will change other than the relationship of her and I. Now, I am losing one of those members of my family.
Her and I fought about it for 40 minutes. I more or less defended myself over the issue. She only seemed to unleash a wave after wave of horseshit of everything I did wrong. Basically, trying to justify her decisions, which in no way... can be justified. It's really amazing how far everything has come along and how much I've been forced to give up in all of this. How utterly selffish she's slowly become throughout all of this... and somehow... I'm just supposed to get a life.
I think I lost all the love I had for her. I think it finally escaped me after hearing the answers I heard last night. Hearing her bain my name with crap that's one-sided and all based on her perspective and the coaching of those around her. Sure, I'm flawed. Sure, I've made mistakes... but so has she, that she's not accounting for. She's placing the complete blame on me, so that those who surround her, continue to do so. Even though, if they took a step back and realized that there's another perception. If they knew, HALF of the crap she's saying is just that... crap. Meant to give her new husband pity and keep him close, thinking that somehow he is saving the day. To her friends who somehow think that, they are saving her from me. Which couldn't be farther from the truth.
While I can get mad and upset... while I can be, well... fucking human... I never directly expressed that anger towards her other than frustration. I was a good wholesome man, despite the fact I smoked pot. While, it was a habitual thing, it was far from an addiction. And when I went without, I because just as irate as she was without cigarettes. Another perceptional view that she's very jaded on. She'll do ANYTHING for Will, which is sad that she'll take away Alora's father, just to fulfill the need to feel normal, which is anything but in her life. A mother of 3 baby daddies. 1 whom she never disclosed that he was even a father. Something that may sit well within my favor... or destroy the integrity of the relationship I currently have with Alora. What would Mike think, if he found out that Kendall was going to allow Will to adopt Alora, without his permission. How confusing would that make the entire situation... and is it worth it?
I should contact a lawyer to at least get a point of view on this and if it's worth persuing in court. I have no clue where to begin and it really upsets me that I feel forced to take this route at all. I wanted things to remain civil. I only wanted her to keep the promise that she's made to me over the last 5 years... and now I feel like I am forced to become more of a dick about the situation. I'm unsure what to do, but NOW is the time to start doing it.
~John
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