This is it. I can feel it, just disappearing. Getting used to her being gone. Losing the feeling I have left for her, that ever made me love her. It's filling me with pain and exhaustion. I was jumbled for the longest time, with how I felt... over what I should do with my life, without her. How was I going to adjust to this? Somedays are hard. Somedays I think nothing more, than my family. Now, it's the time of year I loved the most. Memories just last year. It's going to be hard, but I'm proud of the progress I have been making.
I'm working hard and taking care of almost everything I can take care of. I am keeping myself busy, smiling more each day and continuing to believe that there is going to be something good is to come my way. This year has been so difficult, I've got to somehow make up for it. It could be a new start to my next year. I could be a good finish to this year. But, karma has to start making its rounds soon. I'm optimistic towards a good Christmas.
I can see the kids miss me. They talk of wanting to come and see me almost daily. I miss them. They truly do light up my life when they come to visit. Last week I was supposed to have them. I had planned the time off work and prepared everything around the house for their arrival. I was prepared, other than having stuff for Johnathan. And it was canceled. I don't even want to explain why. I just know this is a ruse to her. It's been following her behavior as we get closer and closer to this new year. It's just such a complicated time and si much, right around the corner. The holidays and Johnathan's birthday and Lori's birthday... and then Christmas! I mean, geez!!
Seriously for Christmas though, I can't wait to see their eyes this year. I'm really going to enjoy having them. I think this year, I'm finally going to feel like some use around the holidays. I used to be so depressed around the holidays, because I wasn't working or getting low hours. I felt like I couldn't compare to her, who was able to buy whatever. This year, is going to be a year I know that I'll make more of a difference.
I never thought I would begin to even get used to this. I still miss her... but there's nothing left. And I'm getting used to thinking that. There is just no trace to whatever was there... it's like memories lie. And rather deal, I need to figure a way to move on. I need happiness again. More than smiles. More than dates. I need accomplishments. I need someone who will love me and mean it, no matter what.
My heart is afraid. I haven't let anyone get close to me. No more than a few dates and very little fooling around. I'm afraid to be vulnerable. But, somewhere along the way... I'll have to get there if I ever want to find a relationship worth investing myself into again. Do I have the energy right now...? No, I don't think I do. But, talking and meeting people is a good start. I've only further connected myself to the world.
Like through Cathrine... I met Joey. I know a few people through Joey too. Connected. Connected to the least likely of places. It's rather interesting. I'm opening my world to seeing some great things and meeting some great women.
I don't plan anything around when I see the kids though. When they come to me, I clear my whole schedule. I spend all my time with them and having a lot of fun. It's nice to be a dad. I always did love it. Now, I just miss it. But, I truly do miss them. It's hard to deal with things when the kids add so much into it. SO much into it. Almost EVERYTHING into it. Everything I do, I do for them. And their used against me as ammo. It hurts me so much.
*takes a deep breathe*
Things will look up. Right?
John
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