I could feel it lately. I woke up this morning, with Kendall on my mind. I don't remember if it's from a dream or just habit. Which hasn't been replaced yet, with the absence now. Little things. Her smile. Her mole, that sits oddly beautiful on her face. Just how she made me feel every day of our lives. Baltimore was so hard... I really wish it was different. I can't believe this is what it did to us. I can't believe this is what it did to me. I miss her. Just her sitting next to me or holding my hand on a car-ride. I miss her nagging at me about my inconsistencies, mistakes and blunders. I'm just sad. Sad that this all happened this way. I believed that I had found the one I truly wanted to spend the rest of my life with. It was impossible, but even after all the years of tireless struggle, we had gotten far on our own. It just became too much for her. She had lost her love for me. Further back than I had ever anticipated. She meant everything to me... and little by little, I was meaning less to her.
I thought about every little thing and 1000 I love yous. I thought about everytime I had ever touched her skin. I had remembered everytime I saw her smile. In just a few moments, I had relived for a glimmer... a portion of the happiness I had with Kendall. And what am I now? A man, still wound up over the woman he is head over heels for. A man, still in awe of the speed and context of the end. I liked the beginning much better. And this will never go away. My pain may become livable... but my love will sit inside my soul for as long as I intend to live.
I'm hopeless... but it's just the way I am. I'm not dangerous... I'm not crazy... I'm still just in love. I'm okay with that... I loved her and love to me, isn't something that can be easily replaced. It doesn't just fade. You may not like someone, but can still love them. You may hate someone and still love them. It just all depends on how it comes out. Right now, it's kindness and patience. It's all I have.
Things will improve... and maybe one day, I'll be able to fill my heart with Kendall again. But, I'll never know unless I try to live life, right? I just pray, somewhere in her soul... she misses me and loves me still. I can wait. I waited this long for fate to bring her and I together. I honestly, believe that's what it is.
~John
After crying and then a long sit on the stoop outside the back door... I took some deep breathes and realized... I had the greatest thing. She has the opportunity to be really happy, even without me. But, I don't have to give up how I feel or my understanding. I just hope one day, I get a chance again. I wish it didn't become this, but it is what it is. I love you Kendall. I'm sorry I ever let you down.
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