Now, I try to throw some stuff in about daily life... but obviously this journal is here to mostly get out my feelings. Hopelessness and dispair. Pain and sorrow. All in an effort to just clear my head. Losing my bestfriend/lover/wife was definitely the hardest thing I've ever had to endure. Being without my children on a constant basis... is unbearable. I only look forward to each and every bit of time I get with them. I talk about work and dating, but really it still all revolves around what my heart and mind are constantly wrapped up in. I'm I lost? Sure... What else is there right now. Everyone will continue to tell me things that I just don't see eye to eye on... their perspective. But my perspective? Well... I'm hurt and feeling lost. I utterly confused. But, I love her. I'd work on things to be with her... I'd figure out life and all of its broken peices just to have a chance with her. Yes... even like this. She was my best friend. Someone I shared every secret with, never told a lie to and imagined would be a continuous light in my life. She made me believe that. I remember.
My days press on. I struggle to find the effort to want to do anything sometimes... but make the effort to try and better my life and situation. I've fallen backwards completely... to a degree, where I don't know where to stand or how to start making my life as fantastic and special as it once felt. Will I propose to another woman again? Create that above and beyond proposal I gave to Kendall in the rain almost 5 Christmas's ago? Got on my knees and had her choke me, after she embraced my proposal. I was so scared that night. I remember.
The world continues to fall apart. I wonder where I'll be. Will I be with her when it's collapse finally happens? Will there ever be something that brings us back together? Is my time over... and this just be another thing in my life that I have to let go and walk away from? Constantly....? Walking away from Lola was easy... right into Kendall's arms. I knew instantly that I loved her. She was so strong and fiesty. She didn't care about anyone else, but us. The first 2 weeks were magical. I never wanted to leave. Meeting her and Alora was the best thing in my life. I remember.
And now... when all the chunks that made my life are in complete disarray. I have no direction, protection, selection or perfection... to go on. I have what's left. I have my thoughts. My visits. My whatevers... that still feel very incomplete. It's 9 months. I still miss her. The fights, disagreements, troubles and struggles. Through the emotions, pain, crying, suffering and misery. There's still that light that continues to shine so brightly in my heart. It's the love I have for her. Not an obsession. A memory of every greatest moment of our lives. The birth of our children. The rollercoasters. The vacations. The cold nights keeping each other warm. The warm baths with my arms around her, in the candle light. Nights in the Army, where I'd talk to her every night and miss her every day. This person who constantly filled in my voids, every day... I still remember.
~John
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