I keep having the same dreams. Kendall and I are talking. Things are somehow fixed. I accept her and everything that has happened. It feels so real. We tuck the kids in for bed and then lay down together. No sex... just my arm around her and the biggest smile on my face. She's with me. She loves me. The woman I would do anything for... is here in my arms.
Then I wake up.
It puts tears in my eyes. Always. I lay awake thinking for another 45 minutes to an hour about everything in my dream and then recapping all the bullshit that's happened to us over the last 9 months. How the fuck did this happen? I then lay and think about everything we had been through over the last 5 years and I still ask... How the fuck did this happen? I always loved her and I knew that then, as much as I know it now. I never saw her out of my life. I never told her and I would never admit it, but I guess she was my soulmate. I was never really sure what to call it or her... I just knew that I wanted to be with her and only her always.
Now, we're not even friends. At first, it's because I didn't want it. Not to say that's the same now... but she's so settled in her new life, new baby coming, new marriage... everything new... she'll never turn back. She'll never see in me, what made her love me so much at one time. It's a lost cause and it's best if I get to the point where I am moving on. I am TRYING... I really am. But daily, I think about her. For the last 9 months, she has been the main thing running through my mind constantly. Then in a VERY close second, its the kids. Possible because, I spend time with them, I don't feel I'm at a total loss... I wish I could just breathe her. Just put my arm around her and tell her once more... I love you.
Its like she's died. I said that before and it's not a clue in to something I want... but honestly everywhere she was in my life, she is now completely erased. The feelings I have, are still here... while I grieve with being without the one I love. And still, my dreams fucking haunt me. Pictures, memories, feelings and emotions still float throughout my brain, while I am drained on reality. Still in a state of shock. When... ohh fucking when... will this go away?
I work to take my mind off it. Still, it does nothing. I drink to take my mind off it. Still, it does nothing. Sometimes and I mean RARELY anymore... I smoke... and still... it does nothing. I write and while I feel clarity by the time I reach the end of these entries... I am still wondering, what our future will hold for us. The world works in VERY crazy ways. Katrina left me once for Travis. In 3 years, she was divorced. Will this happen with Kendall... will I ever have a chance again? Will I ever be able to show her the strength I have now? Can I prove it to her? With Katrina, I quickly grew hate, just to get over the love. I still feel love for Katrina, but not in that way anymore. It would take me falling in love with her all over again for me to get back to the way I was. But, it's not the same with Kendall. I have only hated the things she's said to me. Not her. I can't even force myself to act that way. I just don't understand...
Lord, help me.
~John
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