Not normally...

  Now, normally I don't post so close to another day... but I had yet another fucking dream with Kendall... and I need to write it down.  It's been looming in my head all day and it's getting rather annoying on what the fuck it means and WHY I must continue on this path of dreaming about her.  I actually, tried to go back to bed, so I could jump back into my dream.  I failed in that effort, only laying awake missing her.  Yes, 9 months later.

  Now my dream, which I remember as vividly as I remember the other dreams.

  We were somewhere...  festive.  Citywide, something.  Parades and music.  Dancing in the streets.  We weren't out in it...  we were inside an old Victorian home.  It sorta resembled Baltimore house, without all the ghetto and shit.   But, it was beautiful, just as she was.  We're arguing.  Over what, I have no clue...  then people come into the house.  People I don't know.  We stop fighting.  Then out of nowhere, I feel it.  This overwhelming sense to kiss her.  So, I lean in and she kisses me back.  I can literally feel her lips pressed against mine as my heart hits the floor.  I wrap my arms around her and suck her into me, just as I used to.  I feel the love...  passed back and forth between her and I.  I love her.  I'm immersed with her in my dream as I am not able to anymore.  I feel like she is going to be there forever.  We walk outside, hand in hand... almost forgetting why we were arguing.  We sit and she rests her head on my shoulder.  I feel so needed.  We listen to the world around us as the world celebrates whatever it's celebrating.

  Her finger grasp mine tightly.  (Yes, I remember all of this from my dream.)  We sit while the sun goes down.  Then it gets dark... I turn, look into her beautiful blue eyes and kiss her.

  Then I wake up.

  Why...

  Why do you continue to torment me with the love I have for you.  God damnit.  Do you have any idea what you've done to my heart?  My mind?  Fuck....

  Well, I wrote about it...  I have nothing more to say without falling to tears.  I can't do that here at work... I can't do it at home.  I don't need people questioning if I am alright.  I'm not alright.  I'm without the 2 things in my life, I needed the most.  You and them.  Damn you for doing this to me.

~John