I remember what you said... I remember how you made me feel. I thought I was your one and only... your soulmate... your true love. Then I found out differently. Despite everything I've had to go through and the feelings I've had to battle daily as I think about the person you are, I am still left with the constant reminder of how you chose someone else over me. You gave up on me, like many people give up playing a game or higher education. You quit. And on top of quitting, you left me for someone else, almost instantaniously. You broke me. You didn't just leave me... you left me asking why... why this way.
Didn't you know the feelings I had for you? Didn't you understand how much we've gone through together to make this, so utterly difficult for me to just accept. You think I am not a man, but the fact that I am still standing here in some degree or fashion professing my love, is a shear testiment to how much I truly did love you. At first I thought it was just proving it to myself. But, after antilyzing the situation a million times in my head, thinking about you constantly, dreaming about you... hell... even reminising about our love has been able to get me this far. Do I think you're coming back. No... does it stop me from loving you...? No.
I've spent a lot of time with Catherine. She is currently getting ready to move in about a week or so, to the West Coast. California. I've spent much time with her and done things I never dreamed I would do with anyone. New exciting things I, really enjoyed doing. I waited 7 dates, before sleeping with her and even then... I've had some issues. Personal ones, but never-the-less I am okay with talking about here. We have had sex, if that's what you can call it. I can get hard and an erection, but cumming is an entirely different issue. I just can't. I haven't yet, counting the dozens of times that we have slept with one another. I have yet to cum. It's been raw... it's been dirty... hell, I even thought some anal might do it... but still here I am, clouded mind thinking about the woman I truly want to be with. The one I fantasize about constantly and imagine that I am somehow still connected with. I'm pathetic I'm sure. Perhaps I am just still adjusting. But, then again... why should I. Why should I settle on this. I love Kendall, even still... I still do, despite.
I've had to overcome many things and in a lot of ways have been backed into a corner with this. From everything I have commented about with the kids and the things I've had to personally overcome, I just don't see this as being something that's going to be easy for me to do. When it comes to the kids, I've had things held against me, so that I haven't been able to see them as often as I'd like. I'd had things restricted against me. I've missed phone calls with the kids with little or no warning. Just made to figure things out. Over the past week, I can say that things have slightly improved, but in the long run... not much has changed. I am still striving to find what little time I have to spend with them, while I continue to repair my life. Will this get me to a point where, she will see the man I am and accept the fact that deep down she still loves me, or am I honestly wasting my time hoping for something that'll never come true. Who knows. I just know that no amount of advice or help will help me see any light. Call it stubborness... call it foolishness... I call it being hopelessly romantic. Not giving up on what I truly believe. I love her. And there's isn't a .00001% that will believe otherwise. Not a doubt in my mind that I'm full of shit. Just the realization that I am wasting my time, loving someone more than life itself, than she could even show an ounce to me at this point in time. Hell... not even consideration is at this point. She hates me... and I'm pretty convinced of that. She hates the fact that she ever was with me... or wasted time on me. She doesn't have to say it... in fact, she'd probably deny it... but overall... I know. She doesn't love me. Not in any sense of the word, LOVE. But it still, won't kill my love. Not yet. There's too much invested. And while no good will probably come from this, it won't stop me from loving her any less.
I've crossed some lines lately, trying to gain some ground over my children. I've said things I certainly don't mean... but damnit, what the fuck else am I supposed to do when she basically denies me from spending time with the souls I raised over the last 3 years. It's heartbreaking... it's painful. How can she... replace me so easily as their father... when I am not a deadbeat, abusive or angerfilled father. I'm a father hurt and trying to do the best I can. Nothing more can be said.
Anyways, I feel that this is somewhat a good update. I will try to add more at a later time to gain more perspective and to try and figure some things out within myself.
I've wanted to tell you for months...
I love you. I still love you with everything within me. I miss you. You were my bestfriend... my lover and the greatest woman I have ever had the pleasure to have children with. I wish you could see that... and understand the things I didn't always have the chance to show you, but always felt. I truly hope your life is happy, even if its without me... I just wish I was that lucky man to get you there. Please forgive my wrongs, as I have done to you so easily over the years. Goodnight my love. Here's hoping I can live another day without going crazy, without your love.
~John
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