I had hoped by now that you'd be lost from my mind. I've seen you more than I can take, but I quickly hold my feelings back when I don't want to. I still want to act that childish ridiculous manner, that pushed you further from me than I can comprehend. My mind can't handle being away from you, when I've spent so long training my mind to be with you. It still wants to be there. It still tells me that someday you might be back, when I know honestly you won't.
No longer Kendall (edited and deleted). It's Kendall (edited and deleted) now. Glowing with pregnancy... preparing to make Will a very happy husband and a father. It's too much for my brain to handle. I said it last post... I'm happy your happy. I'm not happy being without you. I'm not happy missing you. I'm upset with myself for letting you go. Maybe, I didn't try hard enough. Maybe it was my fault... maybe it wasn't. I just wish I had one more chance. One more chance to change our lives. To fulfill all the dreams I ever had with you. My mind doesn't want to let you go.
I'm dating. It's not working. Progress though, right? I'm not sure. I'm still thinking about you, when I'm with them. I've never gone through this with anyone. Sure, women have come and gone in my life... and I thought for a short time that I would be with them forever... but honestly... I believe fate brought you to me. We had children... we made a family... and it's one that I miss as much as I miss you. Will these journal entries ever stop? I don't know. Some are good days. Some are bad. I think about you during all of them.
You gave me the kids for a few days. I loved having them. But, it's still a grim reminder that they will leave. They will go "home" and away from daddy. I'm forced with so much, that I just cannot handle. You've gotten the girls used to calling Johnathan - Jana. Why? Does it bother you to call him after his father, that you have to replace his name with a nickname? How long can I expect that to go on? Alora updates me on your pregnancy. I don't know why... let-a-lone can I take, hearing it. Nothing against you... or her... just the ugly truth. The pain in my heart that cries out, being without you. Your new life. Your new family and my absence from it all.
I thought about running away. So far away that I'd never see any of you again. I thought about suicide. I have never thought about harming you or the kids. Never. Not once. Not even Will, though the advice I was given, was. It's not in me, as it never was. But in the end, I cannot do any of those things. I can't leave the kids. I love them too much. I'm doing what I need to do to be closer to them.
I still wipe the tears from my eyes. I still dream about you... and somehow hope that you'll call me and talk to me. Even if it's about nothing at all. I'm pathetic and I know it. And I'm hiding it well, so others are constantly asking me... "Are you okay?" I'm not okay. I'm still in love with you. I'm still crushed that you're not in love with me anymore. That every thing we've ever done together is all gone. Will this ever end? *sigh*
I stared at the stars for hours last night, making wishes on stars that have never come true. Still... I can't give up. Especially on something as simple as a wish. I still love you. I remember every moment I was ever lucky enough to spend with you. And even moreso, I drown myself in them, because it's all I have left. I'm sorry.
Goodbye my love.
~John
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