It's been irking me since she said those words to me. On top of a majority of other fucked up things she's said. Let me start at the beginning I guess. I never expected it to go as far as it did and turn into what it did. I just said my peace, because honestly, it's been one of those things that's been tearing me up from the inside out.
The kids have been calling Will daddy. We got that far. I talked to Kendall about it a week ago and she said that she's neither denied it or officially confirmed it. Last night, after talking to the kids on the phone, I wanted to talk to her. Kylie and Lori, both said something along the lines of Will-Step-daddy, something... and I need to stop hearing that from my children, who've known this man for 4 months... and been living with them for almost 2. I told her how upsetting it was the hear something like that, constantly, when both of them really don't understand the meaning of it. That it hurts and I don't really appreciate the disrespect of her allowing it. That became an argument. Probably because of the fact that, I was a bit aggressive with it. Lets be honest... I'm tired of being hurt. I'm tired of her words cutting through me... I'm tired of being discluded and I'm tired of being accused of this, that or the other. But one thing, became the next thing... that became the next thing... until she said it. "Sperm Donor".
The honest to god's truth, is that I don't want to give up on the idea of Kendall. While, I am pushing myself to try other things and to see what dating is like out there... I still want to fix things with my ex. How can anyone ever truly believe they love someone, if they can easily snap out of it. I can't. I don't know any man who can... and those who do, don't really love someone. Apparently, I didn't care enough for her or love her enough to do anything. I was never around and never involved. But, every time we fight, there's always something new I have to overcome within the situation. It was... "You didn't work... you're not a man... da da da..." This time, it's I didn't care enough... I was selffish and da da da. I was listening and I can tell you pretty much the whole conversation word for word. BUT... most of it doesn't matter. Most of it, is exactly what I knew I'd be hearing. Painful things, that lead into her opening her floodgates of words and unleashing it's wrath on me.
But there was a few things I didn't expect to hear. I heard the typical. I'm delusional, because my heart wants to believe I can change enough to bring back my wife and my kids. She says I should give up on that hope. I won't ever... I just think there will come a time, where I won't say it anymore. That's what she claims. Maybe she's right, maybe I am delusional, to believe that everything I went through with her was worth something in the end. Maybe I am crazy, because I BELIEVE in what's in my heart and it's not just something I can "get over" in 5 months.
In the heat of the argument, she tells me that I'm basically just a sperm donor. And brings up my past relationship, as a failure in my book. "She must have left you for a reason John... are you seeing a pattern?" I'm not ever saying I didn't make mistakes. I'm not ever saying, I didn't fuck up... or act selfishly at times. I'm SAYING... I love Kendall... and that because of that, I want to fix and better myself. I'm saying that despite my fuck-ups, I'm willing to work them out however they may be.
It just still sticks out in my head. She said it as a passing, ignorant joke almost... but still the words, rock my foundation. "What, a sperm donor?" How dare you... How fucking dare you.
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