I think that there is more going on than I can just contain to Kendall. Or to the "Wow"... which isn't. I think it's becoming more than what I could say about the children, their absence from my parents and family... and what's been going on with my mom. And still, I am standing. I went to work, held back the tears and bit the fucking bullet.
Where to begin. I guess my mom. She has cancer. At least, from what I am told. I don't believe my mom to be lying about it... but, it's almost too much right now. There's a mess going on in her bits and pieces area. They don't know how bad, but that it is... bad. Causing bleeding, discomfort and a lot of other scary things to my ears. It's too much. We got into a typical argument the other day... and when I say we... I mean her... and when I say argument, I mean her saying hurtful things to me. Almost over nothing... I let it slide, knowing her condition and how sick she has been feeling, but I still can't say it doesn't hurt.
My mom did see the kids though, on Tuesday. Kendall took them by to see their grandparents, which is very important to me. I still haven't seen them in a month. It's really bothering me. When I get to talk to them on the phone, I have a hard time holding myself together. Alora is usually a joy to talk to, but Kylie always says the wrong thing. "Mommy and Will are getting married" "Daddy was mean to mommy" "I love you Will...." I hung up once, because of this. It hurt so much, it brought me to tears. It brings me to tears now. But, I'm still doing my best, with everything inside of me, to be there for them. It's almost impossible from my end of the deal. I have to rely on her to bring them to me.
I asked for Kendall's help with getting a few things fixed. It's probably wrong of me to ask for a loan, to take care of a few things... but there was a time that we were a family. And I'm trying to do everything possible to help lessen the load and be around more for my kids. I know she got a big tax-return from all the work she did and money back for the kids... It'll probably go towards creating her new life. I still think it was a little greedy of me to even ask, but when we talked about it months ago, she was okay with it. But immediately shot me and the idea down.
It's not about the money or help. I just know I'm trying to do everything I can to prove to her, that I'm a worthwhile man. That she didn't give me the chance as much as she thinks she did. That I deserve better than the rumors that have been sprouting and her cold heartless tone over the phone. That if anything else... to help me see my kids. More than anything, that's what I miss. Their pictures litter my room in places I often look. Drawings and paintings that remind me of that greater days. Proof to myself, that I'm very lucky to have them.
I've come to the point where, while I miss her... I don't want her back. While, I love her with all my heart, I'm beginning to hate her for her lies and deceit. If I didn't have to, I wouldn't see her. But, with Lori, Kylie and Johnathan in the picture, I'm forced to. What can I really do?
Finally... the "Wow"... Well... after staying the night at a friends house. I thought about the "wow" all day. Not consumed, but certainly well, wowed. Knocked off my feet, thinking maybe... just maybe, she was feeling as alive as I was. I called a friend for advice. He knows her, I want to know her better, I ask him what to do. In the middle of asking, she texts me, asking if I told anyone. I'm curious. She's blunt. "I'd really like to keep this between us." "I wasn't thinking clearly" and "the most we can ever be, is friends." Ouch... burned. And another woman does it again. And it only took her 36 hours this time.
Besides starting my new job... my week has been rough. I will try to talk more about my job at another time. But, lets give it some time to stew and I'll make it a whole post. If it wasn't for starting work this past week, this weekend would have really sucked. I am tired from work, but it's overall evened out my week. A positive against the negative. Here's praying to making it to next weeks grind.
~John
No comments:
Post a Comment