Since January, it's been a constant challenge to my integrity and patience. I've had to question things about myself and my surroundings that I never imagined and those I once trusted, I feel I cannot anymore. It's been a constant rollercoaster of emotions that has me back and forth. And still... in all of my rage, hate, anger, pain and anything I've been unfortunate enough to feel... I still think about her. In the greatest moments of our lives. The look of exhaustion on her face, after giving me beautiful babies. Holding her hand as her strength. It doesn't hurt to think about those moments. It reminds me that what I felt was more real than anything I read in a book. It's hard to get over... and still... I don't want to look at her the same as the rest.
I'd still adore and be head over heels, if it wasn't for the growing realization of what I've lost. Of the reminder that, now consumes the life I once lived. They're calling him daddy. If it's her causing this or not, is unknown... but I know that she knows its happening and isn't or hasn't stopped it from happening. It's been eating at me. I'm their father, irreplaceable even in the event of death. I love them and always have... and that's why it is that way. I've taught them and raised them, teaching them a majority of the knowledge they have today. Singing songs, counting, letters, jokes, manners and disciplines. I did the best I could, under the circumstances I had.
That's what hurts. Besides loving a person who doesn't love you anymore... hearing my children call another man daddy hurts. It was an accident before, but lately it seems its been encouraged. Alora told me that, mommy said it was okay. Kendall says that Alora, asked her if she could... Regardless... wouldn't you discourage that, if he is not indeed their father?? It would be like me, leaving Kendall... bringing a new woman into my life in no-time and then teaching or allowing the kids to call this new woman, "mommy". How would Kendall feel?
I'm currently awaiting the kids to call me. I have a really bad headache and have been thinking about them all day. And yes, her too... I really hope she didn't forget, after I reminded her yesterday, called and left a message tonight and was basically promised that I would get to talk to them. I had hoped they could spend the night, but last night they went to some event at Dorian's mom's house. I went to one of the events and actually had a lot of fun. This is just so weird. It's hard even now, with all this time gone by... that it's over. Maybe it's the changes that seem to work less and less in my favor when it comes to her life and being involved in the kids lives. She calls the space we share awkward. I couldn't agree more. But, I also won't accept any of the blame for it. It's a reaction, based on the circumstances she's created. I never give up. But, I know that time will change many things. That like everyone else in my life, our paths will cross again and the world will become topsy-turvy again.
For now, I'm trying my luck on dating sites. I feel ridiculous, but looking for a date. Someone to meet, talk with and find some sort of connection. I doubt much good will come from it, but it's worth a shot.
~John
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