A year ago... I couldn't remember a time where I looked past my life. My immediate life. The life of Kendall... the life of my children... the things that would someday come true to me. I couldn't remember a time, when I was alone or lost. I could only think of those things that occupied every moment in my life. To me, I had cherished them. Maybe outside, it was different... but in my heart, it was alive and vibrant as each day changed and blossomed.
A year ago... I couldn't imagine where I am today. Stronger, but in pieces. Willful, but empty. Searching... but for what, I couldn't say. It's an endless rollercoaster of unknowns.
A year ago... I had everything, despite having nothing. Living in desperation and struggling to make it through... but not taking for granted. Accepting of all of the worlds cracks and faults and assuming, that it was okay.
A year ago... I saw my best friend. Standing by my side. Holding my hand, with the ring that takes me back to the most nervous night of my life. I saw a person who I loved to touch and feel close to me. Who knew me. Who loved me.
Today... I ask why. I know I won't get an answer. I never have. That's just my luck. In times, where the question is so utterly important... I never got my answer.
Tomorrow... I don't know what to do. I go with the flow and I tell myself to just go. I fight against the tides. I stand my ground, but for what? What am I gaining? What am I losing? What have I already lost.
Tomorrow... I want to run. I want to escape. I want to cry. It'll get me nowhere to do any of those things. It'll make me as pathetic as I am today. I'll have no courage to take on the world that I am left to live in. But, still I ask.
Kylie...
She turned 4. My precious daughter. 2 of 2 daughters. No legal right to number 1. Nothing more than a simple name, I've gotten used to being called. Nothing more than her dependency on me to be her father, unchanging as I've always been and the love I truly have for her. But Kylie, I remember. The shocking feeling to know that I helped create this child. The life it brings to me, to see me in her. My smile in her. My silliness in her. Will she remember me as this great man? Will she hear the negativity that surrounds my name now, relentlessness... believing I am that man? Or will she see the real father behind these eyes, hugs and hopes?
I just don't know. Not knowing scares me. Did I do enough? Could I have done more? Was there a point, I could've saved us? I wish I knew then, what I know now. I believe every word I say. I'd stake my existence on it. I know now, how extraordinarily important it was to me. I knew then... but now I know.
When will my heart stop this? When can I let go? Be strong. Press on.
~John
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