Well, it's been a week... well... of craziness.
A day or two from Memorial Day. I went to the rents, because the kids were supposed to go over and spend some time with my parents with the wonderful additional me. I worked all day and then took the bus or was picked up by a family member, to get back to the kids. I loved all the time I got with them, not wasting a single minute. Everything from camping to swimming. Playing games and making smores. I didn't waste a single second I got with my kids. I would wake up the next morning get them dressed, fed and watched while I went to work. I spent the time before work, making them smile and giggle. We woke up in the tent, which was stuffy and uncomfortable for me... but just right for them. We'd call mommy. We always do. Can't say the same for mommy though. I take what I can get.
On Memorial Day, I had family over. Extended. Shane, my aunt Ronnie, my Uncle Tony, Uncle Franny, Shawn and Shannon, Che-rea and Ed. I worked all day. I sent Kendall a message asking to spend more time with the kids by having them spend the night again, after asking her what the kids plans were for the evening. I asked this, because Kendall told my mother that the kids had Memorial Day plans and needed to get home that night for them. When really, the kids were only going home to goto bed. Kendall made a big deal about Alora needing to be on a schedule for school (in the fall). I understood her, but I really just wanted more time with my kids, especially having the next day/morning off. I had only seen them 3 days in a total of 2 1/2 months. It's tearing me up inside. She responded back with attitude and ignorance. It's the same thing I've been getting, regardless how cool and candid I act towards her. She only got worse, when I said that I don't get that much time with them and that this is very unfair to me. She stood her ground. She always did. It's what I liked about her... but like this? I threatened a lawyer. I've been robbed my time, my position and my need to be in their life. I need to be in hers too, but I know it's pointless. The harder I try, the harder she pushes back.
I went back to my parents steaming and upset. I cried, pulled myself together instantly, walked a few steps and could feel the tears well up as I thought about this person in a manner that I truly didn't want to. I still want to love her and forgive and fix. But, the anger is building as I am ripped from everything I truly love and cannot live without. I'm not stupid and am moving on. But the realization of this completely different life I wanted to have with my kids is just being taken. I scratch at the walls and no one hears me. I don't know heads or tails what my friends think... but I don't think it would be any easier on them. I lost everything I love. It didn't die or disappear... it just replaced me... and I'm still here.
She showed up to my parents with Will. I wanted to lash out and I wanted to hide. Why?
My mom and I drank later that night. I chewed back all the feelings I wanted to scream into the dark. I held in how much I still care and how my mind, while okay... misses her. I realize evenmoreso that she's gone because of me. I had the ability to love her, more than I was. I thought I was full of love. I thought about her constantly. And while we fought, it made me care even more. She fell out of love, while I fell more into love.
God, I'm pathetic.
I went to Lori's school on Wednesday. I went through great lengths to be there, as I promised Alora I would be. I showed up early and waited by, excited to be doing something I had been dreaming for a while. Kendall showed with Will in arm. Alora ran to me and I scooped her up. I got tears in my eyes a little, but wearing sunglasses hid a lot of that. It meant the world to me to be there. We went inside and I sat with Alora, who colored while the teachers, nurse and principal spoke. Then the children stood in a line and walked away to see the rooms and classroom. It took me back to my first day of school. I followed the other parents into the room, squished entirely too close to Will, but in front of him, closer to Kendall and Alora. Then we departed from the school and I said my goodbyes. It wasn't long. 45 minutes.
I got home the same way I got there. 2 trains and a bus. I woke up early, dad dropped me off at the train station, took it to Philly, hopped on one there and took it to Jersey. Then a short bus to the area to where the school was. Eventually the kids went back to my parents house. I spent the night again.
I was outside having a very important heart to heart with my sister. Who I love with all my heart, but is totally a du-pa. My mom came out and said something about putting the girls on the floor for bed. I wasn't really happy with this and said I didn't want them on the floor and if they could sleep somewhere else. That started an argument which ended with my mom shouting "And that's why your wife left you...!"
I couldn't believe it. I wanted to cry even then. To low-blow me like that. I wanted to leave and I didn't want the kids staying. I called Kendall to get permission, but she denied them leaving, even after explaining to her that my mother went totally overboard and right in front of the kids. Things calmed down... and when they did, I couldn't stop crying. It rang through my head with every other ignorant comment I've heard from people I love, especially the women in my life. Every word Kendall has ever said to me. This distance from my kids. My mother telling me I'm a loser and "why my wife left me".
I couldn't hold it in, as much as I thought I needed to. It went on for an hour, before my mother took notice or grew the courage to appologize for that totally fucked up comment. I listened to her and she listened to me. I cried. She cried. Talked about her cancer and why my dad stays away from her. How I miss Kendall and need her in my life. I don't know if she'll ever understand how I feel. My mother or Kendall. They take for granted too much. I have too, but in a very different way.
I just dunno.
The next morning I had work. I had a full 2 hours with the kids, in which I spent playing, dressing, tickling, breakfast and cartoons. It was the best morning I've had in months, I swear. I awoke to my kids and felt on top of the world, how I have missed them.
Friday I went to a party. I went with Tom and Buddy. Buddy brought a girl. Mary. She's nice. We all went to Joe's house warming party, which had a wicked DJ. We got drunk off Jager, Rum and beer. I woke up with a bad hangover and still went into work. Great night though.
I found out that I have to move. Gary the landlord of this house, died back last summer. He was murdered. By the contractor who worked on this house, years ago when Kendall and I, and Dave lived here. When we were raising the kids. Anyways, eventually the house went through the bank and decided to evict us. It sucks... I'm leaving the only memories I have left of the life I wanted so much. The days I saw my kids grow up here are going to be gone and I will be officially be starting all over. I'm preparing for it. Looking for room for rents until I can find a way to get a real apartment or house.
I dunno how I am going to do it. I have so much pressure on me. I just wish you were here. You were my best friend and my soul mate. I feel so lost without you. I hope you never read this.
~John
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