...Interesting...

...  I haven't had much to talk about in the last week.  It seemed I was running in circles, constantly thinking about Kendall every turn I went to.  And why wouldn't I be?  But something odd has happened, that I never saw coming.  Sarah (Sally) Webb.  Yeah, John... you remember.  The cute young lady you had paint your nails blue for a kiss when you were a kid.  Ooooohh the gay moments in life...

  So, she sent me a message a little less than a week ago.  Maybe last weekend...  she had apologized to me about our past, which has always been shaky.  Her and I haven't spoken in 7 years, but finally... in the midst of my world crashing down around me...  she had broken her silence and talked to me.  Me, being the kind of guy I am... I listened, understood and returned.  In the week since, we've joked, reminisced and thought about everything that has made us, us.  We talked about our lives now and the things and changes that her and I have both endured over the years, that we've lost contact.  It's been a very odd week indeed...  and to top it all off...  I've felt better than I've felt in months.  I've laughed more than I thought I could...  and I embraced her.  Her friendship at the least, has been something I have needed.

  I don't know if this means I am ready.  I don't know if it means I am losing for what I feel for Kendall...  and if I will be able to admit it right now.  I don't know what tomorrow brings, though I know that the children will be visiting and hopefully Sarah will be staying overnight (again...)

  Ohh, I guess I should explain that.  She came over yesterday.  We hung out all day, laughing and discussing our worlds and how we've changed.  I made an awesome spaghetti dinner and we spent the night, watching movies and cuddling.  We stayed up all night.  Talking...  caressing one another and just falling into a vulnerable state between the both of us.  Bright and early in the morning, I finally did it...  I moved in the kiss.  A kiss I've had a few times before, but felt very brand new.  We kissed throughout the night, which was awesome.  A person who can kiss and enjoy it for all of it's worth.  I didn't let it go further than that, because I don't know how far I am able to push myself, beyond everything that has happened to me recently.  Despite the occasional female swap that Kendall had asked me to do... the only person I felt okay having sex with was Kendall.  The idea of someone else so quickly, isn't what scares me...  but the idea I could hurt someone elses feelings over an urge in my pants isn't enough to do something without thinking about it, or being ready for any of the consequences that are to follow any actions that take place.

  I'm human.  Not perfect... make mistakes...  but I'm working hard to become more of an adult and controlling my actions so that I'm not making a million mistakes.  I care about Sally...  always have.  We just had a conflict of perception in our past...  which seems to be a growing trend in women I meet.

  It's been a good day.  A strange one, but good never-the-less.  Makes me wonder, how to cross the paths in my life and still retain a piece of who I am and what I am capable of.  Can I change like I need to?  Can I be someone worthwhile to someone who wants to love a good man?  After Kendall and extending myself as the same home father, she wanted me to be... I question if I am capable.

  I had a job interview a few days ago... and will have a phone interview for Monday.  Hoping all goes well.  Wish me luck.  Until another day.

~John