There are a lot of emotions and feelings that I harbor for Kendall. She, just like me is full of faults and issues. One of them, being the need to push onto others. It happened with her and I in the beginning of our relationship. I knew it even then... but with this amazing person, I allowed it. I allowed her to take the control she wanted.
Alora... is not my biological daughter. She is only connected to me, through mannerisms, personality and memories. But honestly, I don't see her any differently then I see Kylie. Johnathan, I see differently than both the girls... but I think it has to do with 2 things. Things I can relate to... Thanksgiving... And him being a boy. :) I don't love him anymore than the girls, but just happier knowing I have a son. I love all 3 of my children. I miss them very much right now. More than I could even begin to type...
Despite my relationship with the kids, it was often something that I took on because I was handed or made to tend to them in some form or another. Even upon Kendall and I's first encounter... she plopped a baby in my lap and went outside to smoke. I allowed it often, because I wanted to get to know her better. Kendall pushed her feelings onto me quickly too. I tried my hand at a few other women at the time, just to weigh my options a little as bad as it sounded. Kendall's aggressiveness scared me a little in the beginning... so I just wanted to make sure before I dove into the pool. After spending a lot of time, I made my decision to stay with her.
Even through our roughest times, I was there by her side. The times that she would cry, I'd hold her. I cared and loved her greatly. It was hard sometimes to have to go through such hell... but I couldn't have chosen a better woman for it.
But later, I took on more of a prolific role for the kids. I spent days and nights; teaching, playing, painting and games. I invested a lot of my personality and love into everyday with them. And when she ended it, I almost knew that, that would be the end of me.
It feels like it is. I'm sure even now, Kendall is convincing Will to play the daddy role, if he hasn't taken it upon himself. I'm sure she steamed the idea. She told me I would never be replaced and here I am, being replaced as the one thing I should never be replaced as... Daddy. I wasn't a bad father. I probably wasn't the best... but I don't ever think I was a bad one. I've my share of mistakes... and I've invested moreso than my mistakes, into improving myself as a father. From a man who was smoking every 2 hours - to once a night, even under depressive states. From sleeping a lot - to waking up in the morning, every morning.
I have changed a lot over the years. While there are things I regret doing in my past... I've allowed it's experiences to change me for the better. I was growing up a lot and I just don't think Kendall was around enough to see it. Despite her major flaws and drawbacks... I still love her. Which is why, I am still keeping my distance at this point.
I wish I didn't have to. But I hate hiding inside what I am feeling. And that's what I have to do when she is around.
~John
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