Re-occuring...

I went through some old letters in my Yahoo...  I was surprised to see a letter from Lola (Laura) a girl I had a relationship with for about 7 months.  She was a really good friend, before we ever started our relationship.  We haven't spoken once in 6 years.  I went through this conversation I had years ago with her sister, just after our breakup.  It sounded so much like the same bullshit I am hearing now.  Well, was hearing.


Is that just my luck?  I mean, I know that I wear my heart on my sleeve, but do I only meet women who are going to dump me in the meantime?  And I change...  quite a bit between relationships, constantly trying to be a better newer guy.  With Katrina, I was very romantic, devoted and loving.  Lola, much of the same, but changed slightly.  Now Kendall, who I truly believed to be my wife, my better other half.  Someone who is/was just as damaged as I was.  It feels like a horror movie.  Constantly being attacked by your fear.  Loneliness and abandonment.  And wishing, dreaming and praying for something never makes it come back.  It's a bullshit love story cliche.  Real life is full of painful heartache and disappointment in love.  But there's always a turn-about.  I just don't know when it's supposed to happen...  but soon, things will change.  I don't know how easy it'll be or the outcome... but it'll get better as it feels like it's getting worse.  My feelings are long and lost for Lola.  Once in a while I peered at the idea, but because I had someone like Kendall in my life, I never dwelled on it.  Kendall though, is going to take some time.  And Will, probably will not last forever as she predicts.  But by then, I don't think it'll matter.  I will always love her though.  I will always see her, in my children.  And I will love, being in love with her still then.

Turning 30 is just around the corner.  It's amazing that I don't have a CLUE on what I am going to do for my birthday.  Hope I figure it out soon.

My trip was cool.  I spent a good amount of time partying and getting it all out of my system.  Dana and James were awesome hosts and I couldn't be more thankful for their help.  It's nice to be back at home and got to get back to business.  Finding a job!

~John